Internal dialogue

This is some of the internal dialogue I've got going on inside me daily. It's a push-and-pull.

Subpersonality A: "Beautiful. She's beautiful."
Subpersonality B: "All women are beautiful. You're not gay 'cause you can see that."
Subpersonality A: "To think that... there might be a girl out there for me, like someone wrote in a reply to one of my posts... I feel like I've got flowers blooming in my chest."
Subpersonality B: "I don't want to be a lesbian."
Subpersonality A: "..."
Subpersonality B: "Curves? Boobs? Menstruation? Cellulite? Hips? Bras? Panties? No."
Subpersonality A: "Moans in the dark..."
Subpersonality B: "Oh come on! That's such romantic make-believe. Real life is gross. You're on drugs."
Subpersonality A: "Yeah. I can't touch the word 'lesbian'. That's wrong."
Subpersonality B: "Exactly. ...what's that - what did you say? You say you're a Martian? No... lesbian. Oh..."
Subpersonality A: "I'm not a lesbian."
Subpersonality B: "Not a lesbian."
Subpersonality A: "I don't like men."
Subpersonality B: "Then who do you like?"
Subpersonality A: "Noone."
Subpersonality B: "Of course you like men! What's not to like?"
Subpersonality A: "How am I supposed to feel about them?"
Subpersonality B: "Go ask a straight or bisexual woman. Or a gay man. You could compare notes."
Subpersonality A: "I'd like that."
Subpersonality B: "You've been with a number of guys. There's been a total of 9."
Subpersonality A: "I had relationships with 3 of them."
Subpersonality B: "Good for you."
Subpersonality A: "I prefer it if they don't take their shirts off."
Subpersonality B: "Why?"
Subpersonality A: "Because their chests are flat."
Subpersonality B: "Oh come on!"
Subpersonality A: "It's this smooth surface like... a mammal? a fish? a whale? a baby?"
Subpersonality B: "What?"
Subpersonality A: "Once I grabbed a girl's boobs when I was drunk, it came out of nowhere."
Subpersonality B: "You are trying to be gay. Get real."
Subpersonality A: "Some of those guys I only kissed."
Subpersonality B: "Why did you dream about men when you were a teenager?"
Subpersonality A: "I don't know. Can't I like men?"
Subpersonality B: "Of course you can like men. Why are you scared of them? Why can't you be like the other girls?"
Subpersonality A: "Um. I have a sense of self I can't explain. I'm too independent to buy into the rosy red fantasy of boy-girl love."
Subpersonality B: "Don't like the word 'boy'. Can't sing along with songs that have the word 'boy' or 'boyfriend' in them."
Subpersonality A: "I'm like a guy, who's saying: 'Come on, girl... My girl, my girl...' etc."
Subpersonality B: "Always got that 'yeah I know'-feeling when some guy would sing about their girl."
Subpersonality A: "One time in my mind, actually several times, I took my imaginary girlfriend out to the park near the church under the full moon, and slow danced with her. The tiny hairs on her upper arm were divine, she looked at me like she knew something, I could find many answers to many questions in her eyes, and I took my time to find her lips with mine, because I wanted to be present for each detail of the experience, the tiny sensations, the tiny seconds, that kiss which was very light and delicate must have lasted 15 minutes. After spending all evening only getting to know her politely I finally got to kiss her. It was the most beautiful thing that ever happened. In my mind."
Subpersonality B: "Baaaeeh! The real-life consequences of your daydreaming would include: unsexily dirty underwear, petty arguments, unsexy bodies, awkward attempts at sex, embarrassment, doubt, regret, shame (seriously your friends and family would think you've lost it), and lesbian bed death."
Subpersonality A: "Yes the lesbian bed death..."
Subpersonality B: "I feel like... there's a wall in front of me like a tunnel... with a wall inside of it..."
Subpersonality A: "Why would a tunnel have a wall inside of it?"
Subpersonality B: "It's like an invisible line, holding me back, I can't step forward, but I can see past the wall..."
Subpersonality A: "Yet I'm stepping forward everyday, carrying my bags home from the grocery store..."
Subpersonality B: "...bringing my things and my lunch box to work..."
Subpersonality A: "...googling lesbian bars in my city..."
Subpersonality B: "I don't know why I do it..."
Subpersonality A: "I really have no idea..."

 

I'm sitting in a café right now and there's a woman next to me talking over coffee with her friend about her ex girlfriend, some gay club (here in town!), her bi friend etc. I'm so concentrated on eavesdropping right now!! Hearing no commentary in my mind from B - simply holding my breath - omg omg omg real life queer woman - she exists - this is the most fascinating thing...