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At an impasse

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by baristajedi, Nov 17, 2015.

  1. baristajedi

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    Hi there everyone, i haven't been posting as much in the last few days. But I've been around reading your posts, trying to keep up.

    As I posted about before, my husband and I came to an arrangement for a temporary marriage rules "time out". In the talking stage, my husband seems to be scared but accepting of it, but now that ive mentioned upcoming things I might want to do, he seems to be wanting to back out.

    I can't tell you how free and relaxed our arrangement has made me feel, and weirdly closer to my husband. I don't want to throw this idea away. My husband and I can't force or expect eachother to do anything either of us feels wrong about, so now I'm just feeling like, we've reached a point where we may have to make harder decisions...separation?

    I have been realising some things since we started making these arrangements. It's not just about being bi anymore and my need to explore my feelings for women. A lot of it is about healing from the pain of our marriage/relationship troubles, which have been constant and intense for the last 6 years.

    I also realise that while dating is crucial to my journey in coming out, meeting women, but even the freedom to date men if I want to, and see where my feelings lead me, I don't know that the focus has to be on this like whirlwind of dating. So much of it is simply about me, nurturing myself.

    I don't know where to go from here. Just reaching out to you guys, it always helps to do that.
     
    #1 baristajedi, Nov 17, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2015
  2. OnTheHighway

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    i have a theory and approach in times like this. If others have heard it before, I apologize of the redundancy:

    Imagine you are a horse about to run a race. You have trained for a long time for the race, you have approached the the starting gate and have settled in waiting for the race to start. you have blinders on so that you can no longer see either to the left or the right, but only ahead of you. Then, the buzzer goes off and the door opens, and its time to run. You start running fast, there are distractions to each side of you but the blinders keep you focused on the goal, winning gate race, so you simply look ahead. Rest assured, those distractions are trying to stop you from winning as they want to win as well, but you keep pushing ahead of the pack.

    Imagine you are that horse........
     
  3. Distant Echo

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    It's one thing in theory, it's another in practice. Your husband is starting to realise that and he's scared.
    Be strong.
     
  4. baristajedi

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    I like that analogy.... I think on some level, I'm behaving like that horse, but it's hard to know how to keep the blinders on.

    I've decided internally, I think, this is my path, I'm stubbornly sticking to the idea that I need space and I need to nurture me, somehow. My husband's points and worries and feelings play into how I do it and that's fair. But I guess where I get pulled away from my drive and focus on this path is, all the anxiety, fear, frustration and worry that come with making decisions together with my husband...

    It's hard to stay focused on me and nurture me when I feel his very palpable pain, fear and his intense desire to fix us and focus on us.

    He's surprisingly understanding and strong about supporting this arrangement much of the time, but still very determined to keep things good between us, trying to be romantic, get time together, getting a sitter so we can be together. Sweet, wonderful, but it's often confusing to my emotions.

    ---------- Post added 18th Nov 2015 at 08:25 AM ----------


    Thanks for the encouragement (*hug*).

    I really feel more emotionally strong lately, the knot in my chest is largely disappearing, I'm feeling less pain and more happy, exciting, fun feelings.

    It's hard to see my husband sad and scared :frowning2:. I wish it could be easier on him. It's the only path that has made me feel good for a long time. And I haven't even gone out to meet people yet, just planning and searching so far.
     
  5. Orchidea123

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    Looking at your posts, you are going through a lot, and all seems to be very dynamic.

    I can understand why your husband may be backing out.. On one hand he wanted this to work, make some adjustments and compromise. However, that's a commitment for a long time and at some point, whether now or later he may want to remain true to his standards/idea of healthy marriage relationship or at least strive for it.
    This is kind of serious matter, follow your gut feeling, if you have good reason for something I would try it out.
    I don't know if I have good reason to quit my marriage or at least separate. If I did have a reason(big marriage issues), I would definitely act upon it.
    At this point I can not imagine how I would feel though if my husband found someone else while separated..
     
  6. bi2me

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    Hi hon, (*hug*)
    I can really relate to your feeling closer to your husband as you are working through everything.

    POSSIBLE TMI BELOW:
    Ironically, we tend to have our best sex (with me being more active) when I'm somewhere that I'm interested in a woman. We were at a wedding last weekend, and I couldn't get enough of him. It wasn't him being a substitute for the woman I though was cute and curvy; it was that I was able to share that with him, and he was able to accept it (actually wanted to know who I thought was cute) and still love me that is part of what I find so sexy about him.

    I hope you guys are able to figure out your way through what seems to me to be an impossible mine field. I have a feeling we may be headed down that path at some point in the fairly distant future. Keep us posted!