Hi! I'm a woman whose been married 20+ years to a man. We have 2 kids. I have been open about the fact that gender does not play a role in who I find attractive. My immediate family and some friends know I self identify as bi or pansexual. I also have felt committed to my marriage, often happy, and I do not feel it was a lie. Lately I have been more strongly identifying as a queer person, and have fallen hard for a woman. She is absolutely amazing and I'm confident that she does not reciprocate my feelings. She is in her late twenties, in a stable relationship, and much more fit than I am. Still I see her at work, and I want to be near her, keep thinking about her, which is kinda killing me...and the greatest thing at the same time. My husband is being supportive and is being very nice about this, but he hopes this is a passing fancy. I feel bizarre that I am coming home crying to my husband about how much I like this person and crying. I don't want to hurt him, or upset my family. I have never had a relationship or sex with a woman. Actually I have only had sex with my husband. I feel so old to make a huge change like this, and like a fool not knowing myself better by now or knowing what exactly I want. I'm not sure what will lead to greater happiness in the long run. I'm not sure how much my issue is surrounding this specific amazing person or an underlying unfulfillment that should try to change....I saw another post refer to a trigger crush, and I would like to hear more about that term. (Google didn't yield good results), that it sounds like what I am going through. Thanks for listening! I would love to talk to people who have experienced similar issues. N
Welcome to EC. I think "trigger crush" is a term coined here somewhere. Basically, it refers to the person who got you started questioning your sexuality. It may have started in this thread, which in itself is a good "primer" you might like to read anyways. http://emptyclosets.com/forum/sexual-romantic-orientation/143948-has-never-happened-before.html
Thank you both for replying! I can talk to him...some. Otherwise the crying just seems like maybe I'm a crazy person. He says he has a lot of sympathy for my situation. But I know he isn't thrilled i am into someone else, and I don't want to rub it in and I do not want him to know how constantly I am thinking about it, so can't just hash it out like I feel like I need to. Still, I am glad he is choosing to react the way he is. He is a nice guy
Dear Nancy1, Thank you for sharing your story. I've never been in your situation, but I feel for you, and I know what it's like to experience the rush of emotions and confusion that comes with—precisely—the trigger crush. I'm so sorry to hear about your pain, but also glad to hear that you find support in your husband. And @Really: Thanks for that link! That thread is so sweet!
Ah, the trigger crush. Hurts so good. Happy to hear your hubby is understanding. Now to figure out where you stand... You've found a great group.
Welcome! You'll find the beginnings of my story on that (very very long) thread that Really posted from last summer/fall. I'm much more stable after almost 18 months of trying to figure out what I really want out of my life, even though I'm not a ton closer to actually getting there. We are a friendly bunch and always happy to answer questions. Just so you know, when you get to 10 posts, you can write on people's walls, which is public, but lets someone know you have a question or comment directed at them.
Thank you all for the warm welcome!! I enjoy reading the posts and getting some support here. I cried while writing the first post, but already feel SO much better. I am sure that as things evolve, I'll be a wreck again, but it is interesting how a even a few days perspective can change the tenor of my feelings. I may be a roller coaster in the near future, glad i'm here =)
welcome! you are in good company. Don't expect much from your trigger crush (there is a thread on excatly that recently, and yours has all the hallmarks of trigger crushes that don't go anywhere). But decide what you want in your marriage and realistically admit to yourself that a separation could be on the table if you keep at your husband with your feelings. Don't fail to contemplate that---know the reality of a mixed orientation marriage depends a lot on what your outside options are. It's crass to say it out loud but true. There are a lot of people here who have to wait to fulfill their queer side, be it like bi2me because they want to wait until they have more time, or like cate1515 or me who can't afford a divorce, etc. It doesn't mean you HAVE to get divorced! Not at all. Just that you have to realize it's a real possibility. Open marriages are not common for a number of reasons, not the least because they don't often work.
In my defense CC, ) ) I'm only waiting on the physical part... I feel like I'm making a fair amount of progress on the identity bit
Of course, sorry. Wasn't meant as a criticism at all. Yes, you have to figure out the identity part first. But finding that out and being able to ACT on it are totally separate things, sadly. And the second part involves other people as well, people over whom you may have little control. In fact, I read on the forums here that once you come out to yourself, your marriage is over the way you knew it. You just have to figure out how much to rebuild of what you have---and that sometimes means keeping very little of it. That's maybe a strong statement for some bi people, especially those whose partners knew beforehand (like rach and you) but for a lot of other people, it's basically totally true.
I think, too, that there is acting, and then there is having a sexual relationship. I feel like I've made some action steps as well, but choosing (for a multitude of reasons) to wait on trying to find a woman to have sex with.
Certainly true. I definitely wasn't throwing shade---you remain my role model on the site. I was speaking of simply the difference in timing between knowing you want something and being able to pursue it. I had myself and other people in mind at that point, actually, as you do seem to be moving to the beat you've set.
I agree. I am definitely considering leaving. I doubt an open relationship will work.... He just came in and spoke to me while I was writing this. (I shut the screen) I am breaking his heart and I so do not want to do that
Well, just to let you know, a lot of bi people DO stay in their het marriages. The majority of coupled bi people are in opposite sex marriages (Recent pew survey). But only you can decide what's best for you.
