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Was it all in my head?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Soundofmusic, Nov 18, 2015.

  1. Soundofmusic

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    Throughout my developmental years, I'd been attracted to girls just as I had to boys, but I never thought much of it and just chalked it up to admiration.

    It was winter 2014 and I had just started a new job - my dream job to be exact - and I was dating a cute boy. Life was good! On my first day of work, I met her. She seemed like the epitome of "cool" from afar, but I didn't pay much attention to her. Hours later she clung to me like a moth to a flame. She invited me to lunch with her, asked me to come on her cigarette breaks with her and when we got paired with other people at work to do an assignment, she tried switching partners to be with me. I was excited! Who knew I would make a work friend so easily?

    As the months progressed, so did our friendship. I was having the time of my life at work and hanging out with her, and I had dumped the cute boy because I had "no time" for a relationship. I was spending all my time with her and I always kept looking for excuses to hang out more with her. She always claimed she was "busy" but the minute I said I was making plans with my other friends or was doing something without her, she'd insist on hanging out with me. By March, we had become inseparable. She came over almost every day, slept over at least twice a week and the next day she wouldn't leave until midnight and she would come to all my family gatherings and even to my lifelong friends' parties. My friends and family began to suspect that something was going on, and so did I. I knew my friendship with her wasn't normal, but I was enjoying it so much that I didn't really think much of it. I realized I had a crush on her but just let it go because a) I thought I was straight, b) she had a long distance boyfriend and c) she had told me she was straight and had had to break off friendships with girls in the past because they'd fallen in love with her.

    Meanwhile, she had begun to say comments that fueled my crush further. Comments that perhaps all friends say, but that made me a tiny bit hopeful. She would always wonder how I was single, constantly saying I was so gorgeous and had a personality that anyone would fall in love with. She would say: "I dont see how someone wouldnt want to spend every minute of every day with you, because I do". These were things that no one had ever said to me before, except maybe my mom. No friends and certainly no one I had dated had said such lovely words to me, so to hear that from her was music to my ears.

    We drank a lot together. Most of our nights were spent with bottles of wine or hard liquor. Sometimes we would just hang out, dance and be silly. But other times, things would get awkward. She'd massage my back and my feet, say more crush fueling comments and we would often end up hours on my couch, resting against each other. One night, while we were out, our mutual work friend began to ask "jokingly" if we were lesbians. We laughed it off but later than night, I told her I wouldn't be opposed to the idea of kissing a girl. She told me stories about how girls had begged to kiss her but she had only pecked their lips. Finally, she said: "you're hot, Id make out with you". I figured she was just joking and just laughed and said Id kiss her too.

    She began to get more possessive. If I would greet someone at work with a hug, she'd get annoyed and ask me to stop hugging everyone. She was always wondering how I had so many best friends and even admitted to me one night that she got jealous when she saw me with other people. I just always explained that I have many friends and Im capable of loving them all, and that would never change.

    One night, after an excessive amount of drinks had been consumed, she became very vocal. Slurring her words, she filmed a video of me where she asked me if I would be her friend forever and live with her on the beach. Her phone later dropped and the video filmed for about 20 minutes without us noticing. We ran around, wrestled, she bit me in the butt as I tried to push her off a chair, and then we went swimming as the sun rose on the next day. Before going to bed, she asked again how I was single. She said any man would be lucky to have me, and if she was a man, she would kiss all the birthmarks around my mouth and then she would kiss me. These words shocked me and she was very drunk, so I changed the subject and went to bed. The next day, when I mentioned I had a bruise from her bite, she was shocked and was frustrated with herself for having bit me, saying: "ugh Im such an idiot".

    I left on a work trip the next day and when I came back, she picked me up at the airport. We went to my house and she brought out her phone with the video that had been filmed without us noticing and said we should listen to it. She wanted to know what "poison" was on it. I remembered everything from that night and knew that nothing would be on the video, so I just said I didn't want to listen to it because it was 20 minutes of none sense. She just said: "whenever we get drunk, Im the one always saying things to you. You never say things to me". Looking back, I wonder what she wanted me to say.

    I began to wonder why she was saying all these things and to test the waters, I told her I was considering dating girls. She was shocked but then cool about it. After that, her comments completely intensified. She began saying things like: "sometimes you smile in a certain way that is so cute, I just want to kiss you" or "You have such sexy lips, Im so curious about what it would be like to kiss you". Finally, I told her to just kiss me if she was curious. She thought it would be awkward because we worked together, so I just let it go. A week later, she brought it up again and insisted that she really wanted to kiss me and that it was weird for her to be begging a friend to kiss her because its usually the other way around. I just said: "if you want to do it, do it". At the end of the night, so as to not make it awkward, she said she would give me a peck, like the ones she gives her family, because that wouldn't mean anything. We touched lips and when a group of boys walked by, she insisted we do it again so they could se. We did - two more times. Then we never spoke of it again.

    A week later, her boyfriend booked a ticket to come visit for an indefinite amount of time. It was already summer and he was off school. One night, going through her phone, she said: "if my boyfriends sees all the pictures of us, he's going to think something is going on". The next day, she told me she had erased them all. Ouch. Another night, we were joking around and I said I would break up with her. She just said: "well when my bf comes, Im breaking up with you". Double ouch.

    I decided I needed to keep my distance from her because I knew the minute her boyfriend arrived, Id be forgotten and my heart couldn't take it. And so it was. From hanging out 24/7 with me, she suddenly only paid attention to me twice a week. I stopped looking for her and taking her calls because I couldn't bear to listen to her brag about her sex life with her boyfriend and to see them together. I was in love and I was crushed.

    A month went by and we didn't hang out at all. No lunches, coffee dates, cigarette breaks, movie night, nothing. One day at work, she said; "you never have time for me anymore". I just scoffed and walked away.

    So this was heartbreak, huh? I became a shell of myself. I couldn't eat, drink water, sleep, or even listen to the radio. I lost 25 pounds in a month and cried almost all day, every day. Somehow my work never got affected, but my personal life did. I told my family and friends what had happened because they were so worried, and thankfully they were very accepting and understanding. They said they suspected all along because of the way she looked at me and because I had never brought anyone home until her.

    As my sadness and coldness toward her grew, she confronted me one day and asked why I was so dry with her. I came clean. I said: "Im sure you've suspected but Im confused about my feelings for you and I need space". She acknowledged that she knew, said she understood and told me she just wanted me to be happy and wanted everyone to see how special I was.

    After this, she began to overcompensate. Inviting me to lunch, helping me with work, etc. Where was the space I had asked for? I felt I hadn't said everything I needed to say to her, so I wrote her a letter saying that what hurt me the most was how disposable I was to her even as a friend, how all the things she said led to our friendship lines being blurred, and advising her not to open doors she doesn't plan on walking through in the future. I said I hoped we could be friends in the future but everything was too fresh now. It was a long letter and after that she barely looked at me for two weeks. Finally, she asked me to talk and crying, said the words that truly crushed me: "if I had known how you felt, I would have never said any of the things I said. I thought I was being funny. I cant be your friend anymore because I don't know if lines will blur again". Triple ouch.

    I began to question if everything that happened had been misinterpreted by me and if it had all been in my head - I still do. Am I crazy? Did I really misinterpret all of this so much?

    Our interaction was awkward, short and rare. We became mere acquaintances. Almost three months had passed and the person who I had been so close to months before had suddenly become a complete stranger to me. Who was she?

    Her boyfriend was still in town and she was planning his birthday party. Despite knowing how I felt and after telling me she couldn't be my friend, she invited me to the party. Obviously I didn't go. She even brought a stack of pictures of their relationship to my office so I could help her pick out some for a collage she was making him. I just walked away. I felt like she was just rubbing her relationship in my face and this just hurt so much more. I was starting to do better though. I could now eat, I was sleeping better and I was finally beginning to enjoy life again. I had gotten used to not having her in my life again.

    And then the best thing ever happened. Work transferred her to a different state and I didn't have to see her anymore. In her last days, we hung out, laughed together and said farewell on good terms. Finally she was out of my life and I could really move on. But then she started to call me every week. We would talk for an hour about everything except our personal/love lives. And I began to question again if it had all been in my head. All the progress I had made suddenly vanished. And when my friends realized this, they took my phone and unfriended her from my Facebook. Within 24 hours, she had realized this and blocked me. I was destroyed, but I knew in order to move on I needed to cut all ties with her. So I sent her a message saying just that and closed that chapter of my life.

    My heart is still broken, mostly because I don't understand half of what happened and I don't know if it was actually all in my head. But the good thing that came out of it is that I now know I am capable of really loving, and Im hopeful to find someone that will love me back - boy or girl.
     
  2. bi2me

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    Welcome! I'm sorry your heart has been broken. I hope being here can help you sort through your feelings.

    I don't think you were crazy. I think she led you on and she might have been interested but too scared to start a relationship with you. I hope you find someone who can be with you the way you want to be with him/her.
     
  3. myloveralice

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    I'm sorry too that you are heartbroken. It is so hard to get through losing someone like that and as cliche as it to say that it will get easier, it does. Time will get you some perspective on the relationship and on yourself.

    I fell in love with my best friend. And it was a very brief and passionate affair. We were inseparable for months and then it was torn apart, and I didn't think I was going to make it through being broken. I couldn't understand how we could be apart when we loved each other so much. I feel for you. Be kind to yourself. (&&&)
     
    #3 myloveralice, Nov 18, 2015
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  4. Soundofmusic

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    Thanks bi2me! I don't know many lgbt people outside of work and Ive been dying to talk to people who have gone through similar experiences and can be sounding boards through this, so Im glad I found EC. its reasurring to hear im not crazy.

    ---------- Post added 18th Nov 2015 at 01:50 PM ----------

    Thanks for your kind words myloveralice. Were you ever able to be friends again?
     
  5. YeahpIdk

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    Wow, this was a heartbreaking read, because I've been through something so similar. It's not all in your head, you are not crazy. This person wanted to kiss you and did! In a scared, I want to see how it feels, way. That's not friendly. I mean, it's friendly, but like, REALLY friendly. And talking about wanting to kiss all of your beauty marks around your mouth? That gave ME chills. I can only imagine what it did to you. Not "just friends" talk, my dear.

    The circumstances were very different and we didn't get nearly that close, but I had this with my trigger crush. A very intense, lovely, confusing, short lived sorta romance. She didn't have a boyfriend, but was clearly terrified to be in a relationship, and was also openly queer. But her signals were so confusing, and even though I fell for her from the moment I started talking to her, she's the one that pushed our relationship and blurred the lines so much that it lead to me writing her an email that I will always be slightly scarred for sending.

    I don't know what this is. If it's just the universe showing us something we weren't paying attention to before; run-ins with people who have issues, just want to mess with people's heads, or are too afraid to live what they feel. She could have a personality disorder. Who knows. I also feel kind of thankful for it in the end, because now I know what real caring and attraction feel like. Nothing was ever that intense, and I'll always look for that same affection, protection, patience and kindness I had for her. That's what truly caring about someone is. Well, anyway, just wanted to relate and tell you you're not crazy. (*hug*)

    But they might be a little...:thumbsup:
     
    #5 YeahpIdk, Nov 18, 2015
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  6. myloveralice

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    No, but not because of desire on either end. Just too many circumstances in the way of being friends (like two husbands). I can look back and smile at it now, because we had some really great times and it taught me so much about myself and what it is I want. I hope she found happiness in her marriage, but something still makes me thinks not. Not for me to say though, I don't even know her anymore...
     
  7. Soundofmusic

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    Thanks for your comment! Yes I think it might just be the universe sending us signals. Had this not happened, maybe I would have never realized that I just might not be straight after all. Im not sure if I fell for her because she was a woman, or because of who she was, or both. I guess thats the part I need to figure out now. But despite the intense heartbreak I learned so much.

    Its so nice to read that Im not alone in this. Not having anyone to relate to makes me think Im even crazier at times. People in my life claim I just fell in love on my own and sometimes I just refuse to believe that.

    It definitely sounds like our situations are similar in that she was the one who pushed boundaries. Im sorry you too had to go through something like this. (*hug*)

    ---------- Post added 18th Nov 2015 at 02:57 PM ----------

    Isnt it just sad when others cant accept themselves and find happiness? I wish everyone could just embrace themselves and go for it. But I understand situations can be very complicated. I too hope I can look back on this and smile some day.
     
    #7 Soundofmusic, Nov 18, 2015
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  8. Orchidea123

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    You shared an amazing story - I truly enjoyed reading it.
    My suspicion is that she may have felt what you felt at some point, but once boyfriend got in the picture she completely went to different side. She may have been bi and due to society norms and expectations decided that going with hetero relationship was the thing to do. Once decided, she was unable to keep your friendship cause it was more than that.
    I honestly think you are so brave to go through all of this - honest with yourself and strong to recover.
    Continue as you are now, you are strong and on the right track. Just remember, you've done the right thing for yourself by cutting all contact with her, and in no way you were imagining the intensity of blurred lines in your friendship. I believe some day you should meet a person who will take full responsibility for what they say and do for you.
     
    #8 Orchidea123, Nov 18, 2015
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  9. idsm

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    OMG! What a story!!!

    A part of me wants to believe that perhaps she really liked you (always the romantic one wishing for happy endings) but her bragging about her sex life and how a lot of her former friends were ´begging her for a kiss´... well, that´s a red flag.

    I think she just enjoyed the attention, unable to realize the harm she was doing to you. Until she got a glimpse of it through your letter and came crying. But then, instead of taking a step back and trying to maintain a healthy friendship, she went back to her usual thing trying to recreate the previous fulfilling (to her) state.

    Whatever was going on inside her head will probably remain a mystery, but rest assured that you are not the crazy one!! It definitely wasn´t in your head. Hell, even half of what she did was not friendly..

    Time to move on, unfortunately. Hopefully someday, when you will have someone else to love and to love you back, you will be able to laugh at this story and even maintain some sparse contact with her.
     
  10. Julietta

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    Wow that was a heartrending read.

    I feel so sorry for you having your emotions toyed with like that. I definitely don't think you're crazy but maybe SHE is? She sounds a little sociopathic even, like just a clear inability to show regard for your feelings and no empathy. Also, just doing what suited her and not a worry in the world if harm was caused.

    Thank goodness you have good friends. I think it's really important you try to forget her and cease all communication. Whatever the attributes she had that you like, try to find them in your next lover. And walk away = the desire to seek an explanation or to get answers from her could mess with your head a bit, but as if unfinished business but you need to accept you cannot get those. As hard as it may be.

    You sound like a lovely person and I hope you find a great partner sometime soon. Brush yourself off and chalk it up to life experience. You did nothing wrong.
     
  11. YeahpIdk

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    You totally didn't fall in love on your own. Like someone else mentioned here, I do sometimes think these people are slight sociopaths. Because where is the acknowledgment for other people's feelings? I just don't get it. Either way, you seem like a really strong, smart person. You've got a really great outlook. Just continue to keep it. Even in the hard times.
     
  12. Thirdtimecharm

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    Soundofmusic, I read your story and can completely relate except my situation spanned twenty years. You did not make anything up, it wasn't all in your head. She led you on but because of her own fears and unwillingness to accept her feelings for you, you unfortunately became collateral damage. Believe me hun, u know your situation all too well. If you ever want to talk let me know. My situation opened up my eyes to the fact that I can love anyone make it female....and now in fact I prefer females. Sorry she broke your heart, I know so very well how that feels. But she was in your life for a reason...to open your heart up to other opportunities. Time does help. And believe me you cannot be friends with her Bc she will toy with ur heart forever if you let her. It's obvious to me that she has feelings for you but fear and who knows what else stops her. For twenty years I believed I could be friends with my friend and Bc if it in "let"her break my heart over and over...no contact is the best route to take. Hugs my friend. I am here to talk if you ever want too.
     
  13. CapColors

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    You are not crazy. That girl was in love with you but couldn't accept it. From the way she talked about her other friends, it's clear that she's done this sort of thing before.

    So either she's a cruel manipulator, a desperately confused personality, or a horrible closet case (probably the last one) but regardless she's not worth your time.

    I hope you can take away from this what you need to, and I hope you can find a girl (or boy, if you decide you are bi) who deserves you. I urge you to test the waters with both genders while you are still unmarried to find out what you want most.

    Best wishes!
     
    #13 CapColors, Nov 19, 2015
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  14. Sorrel

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    Welcome to EC, Soundofmusic!

    I agree with what most others are saying here too.

    Reading your story, I come to think of someone in my life who had a smaller, yet similar impact on my life. She's a sunny, positive, sexy woman, she's my colleague, and I believe she is an attention seeker. She's got a special little place in my heart and is very dear to me, even if I can see that she probably shouldn't be. I had no say in the matter, it was my heart who took her in.

    She talks a lot about herself and her life, and loves the attention of men. She likes to flirt, and takes the flirting a long way. An inappropriately long way, I would say. She has wives worrying at the other end of the line, because their husbands are engaging in very advanced flirting with her, yet she doesn't draw the line as long as she gets to be validated as a sexy woman.

    If someone is talking about how "people usually do or feel X about me" - in your case, "many girls have fallen in love with me before and asked to kiss me" - that would be a red flag in my book. It doesn't sound like your friend is a person who's interested in dealing with the consequences of her actions / behaviour.

    It seems like a "have your cake and eat it too" kind of mentality. Sounds like your friend did have feelings for you, but also wanted all the great things she loved about her straight relationship, and somehow decided she should be able to have both - on her terms only.

    I also take it that she's lovely and wonderful and that's why you fell for her.

    There are people in this world who are amazing, gorgeous, very special and make us feel so good, but they're not automatically healthy for us just because we love them. Love is blind, right?
     
  15. Soundofmusic

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    Thank you for your support. Cant stress enough how much better I feel knowing that others can perceive that this wasnt all one sided on my part. It kind of makes moving on easier. I hope!

    ---------- Post added 19th Nov 2015 at 07:34 PM ----------

    Red flags indeed and I cant believe I didnt realize it until now. I was so wrapped up in how happy I was. I jump between thinking it was all for attention and thinking she had feelings for me. I think it was probably a bit of both when I rationalize it. But I'll never know. Like you said, it will remain a mistery. I think thats the part that is making it so hard to move on. But yeah, time to move on!

    ---------- Post added 19th Nov 2015 at 07:37 PM ----------

    Ive actually been going to a therapist for the last months to help me sort through this and he too has used the word sociopath!

    Very lucky to have my friends. Tonight I told them flat out that Im not straight and that Im not going to hide it and they were so cool. I had told them the story about the girl before but I think they just thought it was a one time thing.

    Thank you for your warm wishes. I hope I find a partner soon too because Im so ready to love but Im also so happy to just fall into my true self. :icon_bigg

    ---------- Post added 19th Nov 2015 at 07:39 PM ----------

    20 years?! This destroyed me in just 6 months. Cant imagine 20 years! Are you doing well? Thank you for offering an ear. I might take you up on that!

    ---------- Post added 19th Nov 2015 at 07:41 PM ----------

    DEFINITELY did this before. Going through her pics on facebook I saw she had a few girls kissing her cheek and I remember she had showed me pics of the girls that had to "cut ties with" and they were the same girls! She's a serial tease.

    ---------- Post added 19th Nov 2015 at 07:44 PM ----------

    Wow sounds just like her!

    Shes definitely wonderful in some ways and Ive never clicked so well with anyone, which is part of the reason I love her. But now that Im removed a bit from the situation, I wonder how I fell in love with someone so egotistical. Love IS blind.

    ---------- Post added 19th Nov 2015 at 07:47 PM ----------

    So I was just fixing the settings on my fridge - which is one of these smart fridges with music, TV, notepad, etc, and I found a note from her she wrote me in april. Said: "I love you". She never told me she wrote this and She knew I didnt know how to work the settings on my fridge and never checked it... Shot to the heart :frowning2:
     
  16. bi2me

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  17. CapColors

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    Aw. Hugs.

    It's not your fault she's in a toxic place. I hope you can escape and date better women in the future.

    I hope she either can come out some day or (if she's a sociopath or a tease), gets what is coming to her.

    But she's not worth your time anymore. It's not your duty to drag her out of the closet.
     
  18. Soundofmusic

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    Thanks! Took me a while after the fact to realize that it wasnt up to me to decide what she needs to do with her life. Her relationship is awful and I know shes not actually happy, but thats none of my business. Moving on!