Been thinking about some of the things that really surprised me after I came out to myself and then broadly to those around me: 1. I always thought I was struggling alone, I did not appreciate how others were going through similar struggles; 2. I perceived other openly gay members of society as having more courage and conviction than I ever did. Turns out, even so many of them have stories of their own; 3. Life does not stop after you come out. There are a few road blocks, but my life kept moving forward; 4. I truly did not appreciate how low my self esteem was previously, how much I mistrusted people previously, and how I withheld my emotions and built a wall; and the impact all that was having on me as a person. Now free of the weight with the wall down, being truly myself, I feel like I am wearing a perfectly sized suit every day! 5. Boy, was I an angry person perviously, and I never understood why. 6. Things that I thought were important before (materialism, consumerism, professional prestige), seem so irrelevant now. True happiness exists when one is content with themselves. Anyway, just a few thoughts I wanted to share.
I connect with ALL of these. Still working on so much of this, still a baby queer, really . But still at this stage I'm seeing so much of this in myself and in what I find when I connect with others . Thanks for articulating this in a post.
That's awesome!!! I really hope I can relate to all of those some day. The one thing I have noticed is the following: people are way more accepting than I would have ever thought. Ive been so afraid to come out to each person and most of them react like I just told them I ate a slice of pizza...nbd
I think 4 and 5 resonate with me the most. I can look back and see times in my life where I was trying to be out as some of the best times for me. I was more bold during those times, felt more confident, and just felt more "me". But then out of loneliness or maybe trying to live a normal life, I ended up in relationships that over time just stifled me. Now, I'm starting to get some self-esteem back and just finally feel more complete as a person. There was always such a disconnect before. And the anger, yeah I've had a lot of problems with that too. Since ending ltr and just deciding to be out, my oldest daughter told me one day how I just seem so much calmer now. So yeah, those are wonderful parts of me to be getting back.
That's the thing about the closet. It fundamentally isn't about fooling others, it's about fooling yourself. The thing that makes it so insidious is that we tend to assume that the closet doesn't actually affect us--we tend instead to assume that that actually is just who we are. It's only in hindsight that you can really see what it did to you--and then you see how fortunate you are to be free. Great post!
This is really hitting home with me right now. I can think back to my senior year of college 10 years ago, when I was completely out and open to everybody. I felt like I was 100% myself. I made tons of friends and got involved in so many things that I loved. And then I ended up dating a woman. I think part of that decision definitely came from loneliness, but I also do think I fell in love with her somehow. Anyway, I can relate to the low self esteem and building walls around my emotions. I can also relate to the anger. I don't tend to think of myself as an angry person, but others do seem to think that. I'm actually told all the time that I seem angry. Perhaps people are seeing something that I'm not.
My biggest thing is I think repressing everything just kind of filled me with a lot of feelings of resentment, even though I didn't necessarily attribute it to my struggle with my sexuality. I used to have such incredibly nice clothes and am just now getting my wardrobe beck up to par. I finally feel like I'm coming back to life again. I'm getting my vanity back, and while in not narcissistic, I just like knowing I look nice. For so long I didn't care and that is really not like me.
I can relate to that too. That's another one of those things I did when my ex-girlfriend dumped me. Started dressing nice every day. I love wearing ties. I love looking good. My job is very relaxed, so coming in wearing jeans is never an issue, and I let myself do that quite often. But I had the same job when my ex dumped me, and I started dressing nicer just because I wanted to. It felt great. Truth is, outside of boxing, there's almost nothing I really do for myself.
Even just being out with a few people has made a huge difference in my life. Part of it is realizing that there are others who love ALL of me, even more than I loved myself, which has been a powerful motivator to fixing how I felt about myself. Working to let go of the guilt I feel and figuring out what my needs/wants are (and where the line is).
Boom 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. It is amazing how the Closet smothers our lives. I have such a new feeling about life since Coming Out. I never realized how twisted things had become until Coming Out. It is truly a blessing.
I am also surprised to have realsied how closed I was to people, how nervous and therefore disconnected (especially around women). And anger - yes! So much if it that I didn't even process - I used to listen to eminem for chrissakes. I've never been very materialistic, but the true irrelevance of money and stuff has finally hit home for me. And for the first time I feel like I'm starting to know what I want from life which is huge. Turned out to be simpler than I imagined. The thing is, you start to realize that as big of a deal as it is for you personally, for the majority of people you tell it makes no difference to their lives whatsoever. which is as it should be.
