You and your trigger crush: Passive or assertive?

I've always been assertive, even in my relationships with men. With my trigger crush, this was no different. However, I was a little more apprehensive and it took me awhile to make a move. I think I can read people well, and she was very obviously flirting with me. So I just kissed her. It was well received and reciprocated until later, when she felt guilty (she's married to a man). Then started a constant back and forth that really only ended for good a few months ago.

So I personally think it's always good to be assertive. But it's also always good to stay away from the taken ones.

 

Passive or assertive? Yes.

After using both methods of being assertive and passive, I have found that just being open to the experience of human connection (making myself available, non-possessive/non-possessed) *and* being honest (expressing my attraction to others without any expectation of reciprocation) has served me best.

I recently expressed my attraction to another woman though I wouldn't say that was 'assertive', exactly. It was just a, 'hey, I am so happy and loved in my life that I felt it necessary to tell you that I've liked you for a long time. I want nothing of you but also realize that this attraction might lead to a deeper connection. I feel compelled to explore that.'

She very graciously said she is in a wonderful relationship that might not have happened if her partner hadn't 'gone out on a limb.' Because I came from a place of happiness of what is *and* from a place of endless possibilities, I find that all I can be is happy with the outcome.

Is that totally convoluted? lol

 

Yes, vulnerability is a very beautiful thing! I don't agree that I'm all that zen, though (my history and even present emotions are anything but.) I still have to tell myself that it's a balance. Even if I'm not balanced at any particular moment, I'm bound to be overall (god, I hope so!) I just try, try, try to remember to forgive and accept. We all eventually figure out what works for us.

 

I should mention that my "trigger crush" (I will use this term lightly, as I had a good [albeit extremely repressed] idea that I might be gay before meeting her) was also my very good friend for over a year -- I hadn't realized that my love for her was more than platonic for awhile into our friendship. So there was definitely trust there. But she ran from me into the arms of her husband, told him, which obviously destroyed the friendship. When I got upset at her, she said, "I love you, but my loyalty has to be to my husband." And how am I to argue that? So again, no matter how much you trust someone, best to stay away from the taken ones!

I will say I still love her, care about her, respect her, and wish we could have gone back to be being best friends. I talk to her from time to time, but it will never be the same. So painful, yes.

This is why I am SO HAPPY to be OUT. Things can become so convoluted when you are living in the closet, especially if you are in a marriage. That's why I was up-front with my husband about my feelings for this friend, and what I did, and that's why I've taken steps towards autonomy. I knew I didn't want to go out and jump into a new relationship BEFORE figuring out where my marriage was going. I needed to figure out who I was, be honest with myself and my husband, come up with my plan, and move forward with it, knowing that, while uncomfortable, what I was doing was right and true. Give yourself any time you might need so that you can be comfortable and confident in your life choices (assertiveness, I've witnessed, tends to follow becoming completely and unapologetically self-assured).

Now I can seek out an LGBT community and be my very-assertive-self (though, as you've probably seen in my previous posts, I'm dealing with a bit of apprehension in my new life, but I know it's normal and I will move past it as I become more comfortable with my identity). If I get a vibe from someone, I won't have to question if they are gay or straight, I won't have to lie to myself or anyone else, if I'm rejected I can just move forward because I don't plan on making the moves on anymore straight-sometimes-bi-very-married-best-friends. :roflmao: I can't wait to start dating confident-always-gay-very-available-women. But I'm not in a rush. I feel like things will happen in the whatever way they are supposed to. I'm going to focus my to-be-career and surrounding myself with a support system, and if I meet someone along the way, cool.

And I will say, confidence is EXTREMELY sexy in a woman. Although I tend to assume an assertive role, I'd like a woman who takes the wheel at least from time to time.

Which brings me to my next point: Time for you to set sail and take me out! :icon_wink

 

Lol. You weren't kidding, were you? You are assertive.

 

Hey! She started it!

 

Ah, my trigger crush. She was lovely and seeing her hit me like a tonne of bricks. She was gay and out and I crushed on her like mad for about two years. I saw sooo shy back then, as well as terrified and hoping my attraction to her would go away. Letting her know I was into her just wasn't an option in my thinking. So, I said nothing and gave no sign (that I'm aware of). I still remember her fondly, she was awesome.

Once I came out I found the confidence slowly followed. I'm pretty assertive these days.. if I like someone I'll find ways to initiate contact, and if we're clicking and it feels right then I compliment them.

 

This is an interesting question!

I always wind up being the cat chasing the mouse. So in ways, I'm assertive, but when it comes to the first move, I'm rather passive. I've found this to be the case with my interest in males and females, only when I really like them or find them extremely attractive and think there may be a chance. I actually hate this, because it makes me the vulnerable one, usually to myself, and I wind up not getting what I was chasing after - sometimes because I become too assertive.

With my trigger crush, she was flirty and sexy and confident off the bat, but I pursued further communication with her. As soon as I had her number, any little stupid thing that reminded me of her, or of something we'd been taking about, I texted. I also kept trying to hang out with her. I had this intense need to be around her, so I was chasing it really hard hahaha. I think the intense need was more my curiosity and awe in these new feelings and foreign situation that I just couldn't wait to see where it would lead. I'm kind of adventurous that way.

I would say I was assertive with trying to remain in her life, keep communication and trying to hang out, while she was assertive in being flirty and sexual. And then we'd both be passive on making a move. I'm not sure she ever had any intentions of making a move, and when I was around her, I never wanted to make one as badly as I did with her. The only difference between men and this one, is that I felt compelled to fight to the end, and my passiveness was because I never wanted to mess anything up. I never cared about that with men. I feel like a panther trying to pounce on prey with women I find super attractive. Cuz I'm probz super ghay.

Really, are you a comedian? Because you crack me up.

 

Maybe. I'll let that call ring to voicemail. I'll be too busy "bathing in springs of hotness."

 

Hmmm. Well my trigger crush wasn't so much a trigger crush but an instant oh holy shit she's coming on to me and I like it which ended 3 months later after I couldn't keep it going and ended it (too much crap in my life to do it justice). It was a great 3 months though lol.
Now as for me now, I did a really good job of ignoring it for the next few years, having decided I must be bi so it was fine for me to be with men. So only went out with men.
Then the retrigger (?) crush I met in August. The one i couldnt hide from and who has made me realise I'm not bi, I'm lesbian. Well, we made fast friends, and see each other several times a week and yeah. I told her (well she guessed, I wasn't being subtle lol) that I'm lesbian, and has no problem with that at all. I'm crazy about her, but she is married....and seems to be questioning herself. Some days more than others. So, maintaining a friendship with her, not risking that, but waiting and hoping for more. I'm not going to push it, but if she asks, I'm not going to deny how I feel. And I'm seeing her today for lunch. I don't want to rip her life apart, but...I can't help how I feel.
So semi-assertive. Working hard at getting a great friendship with her (she's a lot of fun) and see if anything beyond that happens.

 

Absolutely right. You might improve her life exponentially, in fact. My life got totally ripped apart, and I am eternally thankful for it!

Either way, she's an agent in that...it isn't all you. Not by a long shot.

 

There's definite flirting. Some times more than others. Definite attraction too. We've both felt it. Whether we do anything about it, well, who knows. But I'm single, she's not. It is going to be her decision.
And I'm happy to wait.

 

Oh very. But if I push her, I could lose her. Both whatever we might eventually have and her friendship. And I'm not willing to risk that. I'm in love with her. I know that. I'm not willing to lose her. So I'll wait. And there are times it is torture.