Hi everyone, I want to introduce myself and tell my story. I am 40 years old, English but living in Switzerland, and been married to my husband for 16 years. I have known I like women since I was a small child. When I got to the age at school when kids start thowing around words like gay, homo and lezzer, I remember clearly thinking "oh so that's what I am". However I was the adopted child of extremely controlling, critical, conservative parents and all I wanted to do was to please them. I had zero self confidence. As a teenager I kneeled and prayed to God to ask that if He had to make me gay, could He please make me bisexual so that i could also date boys and no one would have to know. I was also desperate to have children and back then in the eighties, I didn't have a reference point to see this would be possible as a lesbian. So I suppressed my feelings and threw myself into proving how much I liked boys to myself and everyone else. At 24 I was married to a man 11 years older and we're still together. I love him, in a best friend way. We enjoy each other's company and make each other laugh. He's a good father too. But our relationship is almost 100% platonic, there is nothing physical between us anymore. Meanwhile my feelings for women just haven't gone away even though I've never even kissed a woman. And I feel like I'm living a big lie because i am living his outwardly heterosexual life, but inside I feel so very very gay. It's eating me up inside, because I don't feel I should say anything to anyone until I've talked to my husband but I just haven't had the courage to do it. (He tends to avoid serious discussions about anything and is generally either working or playing computer games of the children aren't around). I am determined to say something to him before my birthday in a few weeks, and so I'm posting here in the hope of feeling less alone.
Dear spirals, Thank you for your post. I'm so sorry to hear about your pain and anguish. I know what it's like to feel like all you want to do is please your parents, and having your true identity robbed from you. Here is the upshot, though: You're taking steps to rebuild it, and that is so brave of you. There are many people here who have gone through and are going through the same kinds of processes that you describe. I'm sure they will respond with better support and more undesrtanding than I am personally capable of providing. In the meantime, I would encourage you to read other threads, especially here in this sub-forum. You'll see that there are tons in very similar situations to you. Love, PG
Welcome to EC Spirals and well done for finally sharing how you feel. I say "finally" because I'm guessing you have never told anyone any of this before? I hope, in some small way, that it has released a little bit of the pressure and frustration that you have surely been carrying around for all of these years. Is your decision to tell your husband before your birthday influenced by anything other than the date itself? Would it be fair to say that you are struggling to keep a lid on this now? Experiences during childhood/teen years undoubtedly shape who we become and the decisions we make as adults and it can be very hard to backtrack as many people on this forum will tell you, but most of us arrive at a point where we need to be authentic and honest with ourselves + others. Do you feel as though you have moved away from the control and criticism that so damaged your confidence and led to you getting married? A few questions for you. I hope they don't seem too daunting and will help you to tell us more and receive support as you face this decision.
Welcome! Please look around for threads like yours and find out the best ways to approach coming out to your husband. Typically spouses are shocked and it can take them a long time to deal with it. Some spouses show their true colors as genuine partners and decent people, some do not. In most cases it is a mixed bag. A really good post on this was recently rec'd in another thread; I'll try and find it for you when I get to a computer later today. But in general there are lots of good examples on this site of what to do and what not to do. I think sharing with a trusted friend first can be OK, even though your husband is the most important person you'll need to tell. Sometimes you need a practice run! Also that friend can provide you support through the process as can people on this site.
Welcome! I also knew I liked girls (and boys) in high school. I threw myself into my relationship with my boyfriend, now husband, when he asked to be monogamous at 19 and gave up whatever baby steps I'd made towards being out. I realized last summer that part of why I had been feeling generally stuck and unhappy in my life was due to my suppressed feelings for women, specifically my best friend from high school. My husband was awesome in the wake of my mourning what I felt I'd lost, and we're working to figure out how to be respectful of each other's needs and desires. He knew about the relationship she and I had in high school, so he was less shocked than I was when it all came rushing back up to the surface. Anyway, I'm out of time to write more now, but ask anything that would be helpful, and I will check back later.
Hi spirals, There comes a time in everyone's life where hiding oneself is no longer possible. The way you have described the relationship with your husband, makes me hopeful that things should work out rather well for you. Both of you caring and loving each other in a best friend kind of way, and your relationships being 100% platonic should make the whole process easier. In saying that, it is never easy, and it will probably be quite an emotional conversation. I guess the only thing I can add is - be honest with him, and keep your communication channels open (share your feelings, and ask how he is feeling rather than both of you bottling up). I hope it goes well. Take care, Mila
I'm going through a similar situation. I just wanted to say that you are not alone in this! we are all hot messes right? LOL
Thank you so much everyone for your kind words. It really does help to know that others are in this situation. I have told exactly two people, one an email friend and the other my therapist. My therapist is awesome in every other way, but she is a committed Christian and when I told her about this, she quoted the bible saying "God hates divorce" :eusa_eh: so I have restricted my discussions to other topics. Why now? is a good question. I'm starting to feel OLD, like my days of sex and being sexy will soon be over. I have missed out on that side of my self for so long. And I feel like I'm lying by omission, all my friends don't really know me. My husband thinks everything is just fine and is not a person who likes to talk or would initiate a discussion about the state of our relationship. He knows of course that I am attracted to women, but he treats it like a joke. I get so scared when I contemplate telling him and I just can't find an opening for the conversation. I wish there was a subtle way to lead into it.
Hmmmmm, your T may be a Christian, but I find it suspect that she brought God into the conversation like that, unless you guys are focused on Christian values in therapy.
I am sorry your T shut you down like that. I have only told my T and I would have been so hurt if he was not supportive and willing to talk about every aspect of my discovery. I am also scared to tell my husband, he has no clue. Sometimes I wish he would find my journal and just read it....but I know I am going to have to actually say the words.
I'd look for a new therapist. You need someone who can help you look through all your options - unless divorce is out of the question for you.
Even if divorce IS out of the question, find another therapist. That attitude will not help you deal with being a lesbian in a straight marriage in an authentic way. You need one that will help you bring this to your husband.
The thing with my therapist is that she has really helped me a LOT with childhood issues and we are coming to the end of our time together. Although I am not a practising christian, her office belongs to a church. As an expat in a country where my grasp of the local language is only functional it is truly miraculous to have found a therapist who speaks English and who I clicked with. It's not as simple as finding someone else - they do not exist, I have been looking for many years. This is expat life! I love this country but life is not always simple or easy! Also although this is some of the best medical care in the world, I find their attitude to mental health very old fashioned (although this is changing partly die to shockingly high suicide rates). Anyway big tangent but just wanted to clear that up! ---------- Post added 22nd Nov 2015 at 01:01 PM ---------- I so relate to this. If my husband was ever interested enough, just looking through my iTunes playlist, my Facebook or my journal would be a total giveaway. He is oblivious though.
...what will happen if you divorce immediately? Can you move back or find work where you are? You sound like you have fewer options than your typical housewife, although as mellie said in a different thread, expats and military wives are strong in other ways. But I guess if I were you I'd tell a trusted friend first to help ease some of the immediate stress, then plan for contingencies, then tell my husband. ---------- Post added 22nd Nov 2015 at 11:58 AM ---------- This is the thread I mentioned earlier: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/blogs...-3a-notes-i-gave-my-wife-when-i-came-out.html
Hello spirals Our stories are v similar - I'm 42 and was a teen in the uk in eighties .. I had my first experience as a child with a girl and from then pushed it away.. I've had long relationships with men and never felt right esp sex and feelings I've just come out of a 4 yr relationship and I've never felt happier being single and free Once I was out I woke up to being a gay women part of this was timing as I've just got recovery from eating disorder - addictions have squashed who I am I understand the having a best friend in a partner but is this enough ? It sounds like your ready to face your sexuality - I can honestly say now I identify as a gay women I feel 100% myself - I did not know that part of my not feeling worth and confidence was could be connected to my sexuality and gender but clearly it does I have a confidence and self assurance I didn't have , feel excited for the future and feel that many things are possible for me that I didn't have before So what's the message Honesty really is the best policy whatever that looks like being true to who we really are and being proud - now that's priceless ---------- Post added 22nd Nov 2015 at 09:53 AM ---------- God doesn't hate divorce - God wants us all to be happy living love and peace - That's a boundary issue with your t -
I guess expat is the wrong word for me these days - I've been here 10 years now. I just meant it to mean someone living away from their native country. I have been a housewife at times but right now I have a good job and earn more than my husband :icon_bigg Thanks for reposting the link. I couldn't get it to work before, but now it did. That is a really great resource and very helpful to read.
Oh good! You can afford your queerness. that's always a huge relief. Best wishes to you then! You can do it! Still you might want to consider a test run with a frined, but do what your heart and gut dictate.
