I'm still in a way stuck on the fact that I'm coming out later than I feel like I should've. I'm still having trouble with focusing on the positives, looking toward the future, all that. I mean, I'm doing better overall, and I'm feeling tons better. But I can't forget the dark times, and there were some very, very dark times. I know the only answer is to just plow ahead and forget the past. But I just can't do it. I don't want to wait for things to get better one day; I want for them to have been better already. Alright, that's about it. Thanks for listening.
I can relate. Still bouncing between bi and gay and "it's all in my head" but I can relate. Forgetting has never worked for me -- forgiving myself has worked better (and even that's a struggle at times). For me that means accepting I was there, but putting down all the "should haves" or "could haves" or "if they hads" that pop up. I've found that (for me) giving myself permission to love and forgive myself really does help. "Not my fault, still my problem" has been my catch phrase of late. Accepting that I have the right to be happy with myself and to treat my life and past the way I would treat that of a close friend: with compassion. In my case I was/sometimes still am my own worst enemy. I wouldn't treat a mugger the way I've treated myself. I like to think I'm stuck in a dysfunctional relationship with myself, and we only stay together for the sake of the kid -- me. Hang in there. PC
Hang in there, man. It's tough. You clearly know the right answer (keep pushing through) but it's hard to FEEL that way some days, I get. But bad days don't make the improving trend disappear--they are just blips in the data. Best wishes.
I understand the impatience, and I understand the frustration of waiting so long. I had that too. I felt that I wasted so many years of my life living someone else's fairy tale. But the thing is, the past is done. We can't change it. It does you no good to kick yourself about it now. You need to keep focused on your "now". You don't need to forget the dark times; you can use them to fortify you and help you grow. Turn the evil to good. And I know it doesn't feel that way right now, but the answers will become more satisfying. Just hang in there.
This is actually something I've been thinking about lately, too. I didn't create the world I was born into, and no one ever asked me if I wanted to be gay in it. My being gay was no one's doing, and the homophobia and hostility in my world was created by other people. But all of it has still impacted my life, and I don't see how that homophobia has helped my life at all. Maybe it's wrong for me to say it, but I don't see forgiving myself as an issue. I didn't do anything wrong. I wasn't willingly refusing to come out (I've known I was gay since I was 11); I was staying in the closet so I wouldn't be disowned, denigrated, or worse. Right now, I'm not wondering about forgiving myself. I'm wondering about forgiving others. They are the ones who did wrong, and they really did hurt my life in very bad ways. And I truly hate them for it.
It's crazy how coming to terms with our sexualities can be so agonizing, when if you step back and look objectively, it's such a small part of who we are really. The morals and ethics I have don't change because I would rather be with a man than a woman. I'm not any less of a hard worker, I'm no less of a father. If anything, the ability to be out to those around us makes us better. I've spent a lifetime trying to be what I thought others would expect of me. When is your life ever *yours* when you live that way? Finally, I think it's just about getting to the point where you realize you don't have to justify yourself to anyone. There is nothing to apologize for, and nothing to feel bad about.
There's nothing wrong with that at all. You did what you had do. We might be in different places on this as I'm fighting other identity/life issues that cloud things. I would just add that you can (at least in my experience) move past a thing without forgiving someone. Putting the pain of something down is not the same as forgiving the person who wronged you. That's how I see it, at least. Hang in there. PC
I love what you wrote angeluscrazy that is exactly it, isn'the it? We have nothing to apologize for and we do not need to justify who we are.
Yeah I have yet to have anyone beat down my door trying to explain to me why they are the way they are.
