I never know how to title these things. Anyway, I'm trying to get better understanding of myself. I see a lot of posts that seem to clarify but I am still confused. First off, can someone please explain to me what demigirl or demifemale is? I looked it up and the definition makes sense but what does it mean? The reason I ask is that as I said in my intro post, I have been married to my wife for 27 years. I love her I love to make love to her. I have been having some issues due to physical / hormonal issues but that doesn't make me enjoy being with her any just maybe minimizes my physical enjoyment. When I fantasize, I .. Ok this is hard for me to write in a public forum, but anonymity helps. I often fantasize of being sexually penetrated. I wish I had a vagina but I really enjoy the thought of being penetrated... But i can't even conceive of a man doing that.. Well I can I guess but it's not how I imagine it. If I could turn into a woman and my wife could turn into a man then I would be ecstatic... I guess that seems weird. Maybe part of the thing is I believe in marriage I don't want to violate my marriage by having sexual relations with anyone other than my spouse. Even though I'm not a physical female if my wife wanted to use a toy and penetrate me I would love it... Unfortunately I can't really tell her this. As much as I am kinked she is not ( I think she enjoys some kinky play but if I try to talk about it she makes a face and acts like it's disgusting.) I am not trying to talk about sexual acts here just I discussing attraction fantasy and sexual preferences the acts sort of have to come up too. The clarification I need is this.. I identify as male mostly, but I often feel VERY feminine and I love to. I don't want to cross dress ( believe me my body would not be attractive in any of the clothes I would want to wear! Lol maybe if I lose all the weight I need to but even then probably not) but I love to look at cute women's clothes, skirts dresses, corsettes, shoes.. Heels, thigh high boots, strappy sandals pretty underwear etc.. I love it all. I admit my wife has a stretch mini that have tried on a couple times and I love the way it makes me feel.. Yet I have to be careful as no one would understand or accept it if I were caught wearing it. I admit if I could wear cute clothes and not be looked upon as some sort of pariah I might. At least sometimes. But I al so am happy to be male. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I was born as a hermaphrodite though I know I wasn't.. It seems it would be perfect if I had both male and female genitalia and breasts... I can't believe I'm actually writing this in a public forum... Anyhow I don't think I am transgender.. At least not all the time. While I like women's clothes, and would really be tempted if I could wear some of the cuter skirts tops and dresses that I love to look at in stores and online, I really don't want to cross dress at least not in public. I can imagine being made love to like I was a woman and I would love it.. But I would really want the person doing it to be my spouse. I have sometimes found certain males attractive, but I really have no desire to actin that and I can't really imagine myself in a male to male relationship... When I have played Second Life and I AM a girl there I have had very emotional "physical" ( all in words obviously) relationships with mostly women but some men.. Most males there are crude and rude and I can't stand to talk to them let alone have any type of relationship... Sometime I wonder if that's how people see most males in real life too... So those are my very raw very emotional very personal feelings... I am probably a psychologists dream case... But does anyone have insight, ideas, direction, anything? Please? Sammy:icon_redf ---------- Post added 19th Nov 2015 at 11:54 PM ---------- Sorry j get so long winded...
I just wish you and your wife had a relationship where you could ask for things sexually and it would be safe for you to do so. You might not feel so conflicted if you had you had a safe home base at least to start from. I am in the midst of my own issues, and although it is hard at least my husband is willing to listen (at least up until a point) and he is open to accommodating me as much as he can to let me be my own person as much as is possible within the marriage. I hope you are able to see a therapist, or talk to someone I think that would help. I am glad you're on EC.
I just wish you and your wife had a relationship where you could ask for things sexually and it would be safe for you to do so. You might not feel so conflicted if you had you had a safe home base at least to start from. I am in the midst of my own issues, and although it is hard at least my husband is willing to listen (at least up until a point) and he is open to accommodating me as much as he can to let me be my own person as much as is possible within the marriage. I hope you are able to see a therapist, or talk to someone I think that would help. I am glad you're on EC.
Thanks rachel1954... I love my wife.. but part of the issues are my own fault.. inattentive, more focused on work, or church or games than her.. I'm doing better now, but she has a lot of resentment, and I can't say anything because It's my fault that she has it... I went to a therapist for a while.. but I was too afraid to talk about this stuff... I don't know how to find a therapist that I can talk to about all this... any suggestions would be nice. In the meantime I just wish I had a better understanding of my own ity... you know masculinity, femininity how can I feel masculine one moment and like a light switch turning on feel very feminine... *shrug* oh and thank you for replying.. I was starting to think I scared everyone or something.
I have a close friend who recently told me that he identifies as "a little trans" or "bigender". He sometimes dresses as a woman, but usually dresses male. He doesn't want to transition. He and I have discussed that maybe it's a bit like being a Kinsey 3, where sometimes I have stronger feelings for men and sometimes for women, and sometimes at the same time. I think he feels about gender the way I feel about my sexual partners. Although I don't know if you'd relate to it, he also told me that he is always attracted to women, regardless of whether he is feeling more male or female.
That sounds fairly close to the mark... And this may seem strange but I'm glad that I'm not the only person who feels like this... As confusing as it is, it helps to know someone else is dealing with similar feelings.
I don't think you scared people off, but there may not be a huge amount of people in your situation online at the moment? They are here in the forums, hopefully they check the new posts and reply to you. I don't think all the problems in the marriage can be all your fault. It's fine to own things that are, but try not to take more guilt and blame than you deserve!
