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'Trigger crush' success rate

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Orchidea123, Nov 19, 2015.

  1. Orchidea123

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    Reading through some of more recent posts makes me wonder:

    Has anyone formed long term relationship with their 'trigger crush'?
    Or, do you think those are totally temporary and are not meant to stay around?
     
  2. Nancy1

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    Maybe they just represent the all that is possible in coming out and coming to terms with who we are.

    Maybe it seems so powerful because it puts us more in touch with ourselves...

    Does that make sense? at least for some of us?
     
  3. YeahpIdk

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    My trigger and went from taking to each other all day everyday to following each other on minimal social media. I avoid looking at some of her stuff. And when she gives me attention by looking or liking, I do the same back. This is all the aftermath of me divulging my feelings after we played games for so long. Fairly certain I'd throw up and then cry if I saw her in public anytime soon.

    Success rate = zero

    It would be great to think that your trigger is a soulmate. That's what I thought. But after reading so many stories, and there even being a term "trigger crush," it seems that these people might just be the universe's way of shaking things up and being like, HEY!
     
    #3 YeahpIdk, Nov 19, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 19, 2015
  4. Orchidea123

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    Yes, it is so powerful and sadly feels so unique..

    I wonder if anyone else has felt like they are a soulmate or even twin soul?

    Were they available and into same sex relationships?
     
  5. mellie

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    I'd say trigger crush success rates are slim to nil. Like a first love, I believe they are there more to teach us something. A relationship usually doesn't thrive in a time of personal crisis--trigger crushes, by definition, awaken us to new possibilities and, in many cases, an authentic self that requires a complete upheaval of life as we know it. Available or not, I believe it's important to take care of oneself during this time. If a relationship occurs, I'd say the chances of it lasting are trivial.

    Trust me, the feelings will become more manageable as time passes. I was extremely heartbroken by my trigger crush, and I felt like we were kindred spirits. I still care for her deeply. But I can honestly say that even if she were to come out today, leave her husband,?and tell me she wanted to be with me, I wouldn't do it. I'm more in-tune with my wants and needs, and she just doesn't fit the bill. I think we were just really good at being friends.

    So once you are able to get some distance and some time, and you figure out what you want, you may find your feelings were merely visceral. Or realize that it's possible to find happiness with yourself and, eventually, someone else.
     
  6. bi2me

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    My trigger and I have feelings for each other. Both married and not in open relationships. She's told me that she's pretty sure she's going to hurt me some day (she was drunk, and I still don't know what she meant by it). On the other hand, we are good for each other as friends, but we'd be terrible mates!
     
  7. CapColors

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    Most of the stories I see on this site, the trigger crushes didn't work out. But a lot of THOSE were married women falling for other coupled women.

    The ones where the woman fell for an out lesbian who was single seem to have worked out better.

    In general, though, I believe it's more like a first love, as mellie says.
     
  8. Shadowsylke

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    Well I am married to mine, so for me I'd say it worked out.

    But I never considered her to be just a "crush" anyway...that's way too trivializing of a term, not fair to her, and there was a lot more going on than just that. Also, as Cap says, my wife was single at the time (although I wasn't).
     
  9. YeahpIdk

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    I guess it really depends on the situation. I like what Mellie said. I agree that it's a time of confusion and so much going on, it's almost too much pressure for the relationship to last or become anything. And sometimes we're lucky/unlucky to meet people who seem perfect for us, and awaken us to another part of us, but they're really just wanting to mess with your head and confuse you even more.

    It's gotta be the circumstance, though. Shadowsylke's livin' the dream!
     
  10. rachael1954

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    Totally. If I knew I'd end up like Shadowsylke I'd change my life today.

    My Trigger crush is single. But if I left my comfortable marriage for her, I could see myself resenting her in the future or taking things out on her. I would have to be in a much better place emotionally for it to work out long term. But maybe it would if I would give it a chance, already.

    The only thing holding me back is myself.
     
  11. Shadowsylke

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    Aww, guys. You make me blush! :slight_smile:

    In all seriousness, though, I didn't know how anything would end up when I took this leap. I just jumped. Sometimes you have to stop getting in your own way and just take the chance, and if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out...but if you want it to work out, I think it can. That was my experience, anyway. Everyone's situation is different.

    It does take work, though. The wife and I have done a lot of therapy together, and we still do.

    But in my case, I needed to leave my marriage anyway, whether it worked out with her or not (there were emotional abuse issues with the husband). I was just lucky that she was there to help me through all of that and wanted to take on such damaged goods. I had no idea, though, if we would "make it" when we got together. I just wanted to, and for me, that was enough to try.
     
  12. Apollonia

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    Apart from some drunken makeout sessions, success rate zero. These days I try to avoid her because I was so head over heels for her I don't think I will ever be over it.
     
  13. Orchidea123

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    Ok count mine as failure (haha).
    Here is my post as of tonight:

    "So there you have it!

    Was coming back from event and husb texted to stop by the store to get something.

    I finally felt like I had clear thoughts about what I was going to say to her.
    Texted to see if she has time to talk. She said not now what's up. My reply: going for dog food, really wanted to talk about something.
    Her reply: out with my boyfriend of dinner, tomorrow? Unless it's urgent.
    My reply, have fun can wait.

    I'm in total disbelief. Don't even want to know who she has - need to undo everything I felt for the last almost 8 mo. Stayed in the dog isle for like 20 minutes staring at bag labels.

    Don't know if I want to tell her anything anymore..
    "
     
  14. Really

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    Oh, no. I suppose it's better to have your embarrassing moment with nobody to see it but the kibble. Personally, I'd keep it to myself and maybe some time down the road if you're the type of friends who can laugh about this, you can tell her then. Bummer.
     
    #14 Really, Nov 20, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 20, 2015
  15. mellie

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    Girl, just tell her already. Seriously, meet up with her, and be painstakingly honest. Make it clear that you did not know she had a boyfriend, and you have no expectations, but you thought with all the confusion you just had to tell her what was going on.

    At this point, if you don't tell her, it'll just look like you are playing games.

    Hopefully she responds kindly. And I think she might surprise you. Sometimes we really work ourselves up over nothing. I hope she is supportive and open with you in return.

    If she blows you off, who cares? You walk away knowing you were honest and having your answers. It'll hurt but you'll overcome. Keep that chin up!
     
  16. Orchidea123

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    Really,
    Yes, how ironic to share my moment with kibble:icon_wink

    Mellie,
    You are such an optimist -I think this positive force of yours not only will get you best things life has to offer, but is also contagious!:wink:

    I am either recovering fast, or in true shock - think it is latter.
    Believe me when I say that she prefers masculine looks, almost soft butch. She may be bi, but in any case, she is taken.. I truly hope she did not mention boyfriend to avoid the talk.

    We did not set specific time, if I see her this weekend at the gym class and she does not bring it up, I am out.
    Now the question still remains: was this a crazy fluke or am I seriously bi?
     
    #16 Orchidea123, Nov 20, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 20, 2015
  17. YeahpIdk

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    I'm confused. I thought she was a lesbian? If not, ignore me. That sounds kind of strange. How friendly are you with her? Wouldn't you have known she has a boyfriend? Wonder if she's just trying to avoid something, because that seemed rather quick!

    I agree with Mellie. Just tell her. At this point, I'd write a letter. Also, try not to hype things up too much. You're gonna make yourself crazy. You need to put some distance between the way you're feeling and what you want to say. You don't want to vomit emotion all over her. That might scare here away. That's what I did :icon_bigg:icon_bigg