He is being great about all this, doesn't want to lose me, and says that no matter what happens he is on my side, best friend. (In some ways I am so lucky) He suggests we should stay married and I should consider myself free to pursue other relationships with women or frankly who-ever I want. I said that sounds kinda unfair both to him and to whoever else I become involved with. He said we will cross those bridges as we come to them. If something becomes serious will adjust. My question here is, do people ever really have these open arrangements. My life has in some ways been very conservative. (not politically) but I've been a monogamous girl who married her first, and am now considering something very different. I do not want to move out! or disrupt my kids, or my own life. Can this arrangement work?? Does anyone know if there are good people who do this kind of thing? Are we just grasping at straws? Thanks!
There's plenty of people who have stories of that type of arrangement working. And there's plenty of people who have stories of those arrangements not working. I think the key is if you and your husband both decide that it's something you want to try, you can try it and see how it works. But it sounds like you're hesitant of it and part of me dies think your husband is offering it just out of fear of losing you, not because sharing you is something he's into. Do you think he ever expected to or wanted to share you before?
Hi Nancy1, We aren't quite there yet, but I think in the future we may be considering something similar. I have the same situation as far as marrying my first as you, so I can relate to that as well. I've heard Opening Up by Tristan Taormino is a good resource, but I haven't read it yet. Keep us posted!
@ Came out Swinging: Absolutely not, he just would rather I explore this without leaving him. You are completely correct. There is a some other background that influences his thoughts though. Like I said in an earlier post,we have been married over 20 years. That's a long time, and there have been periods things between us have been good and times not-so-good. Several years ago he had an affair. I won't go too deeply into it in this post,but I was devastated and needless to say things have been different since. We have talked, talked talked, got some counseling, read books, yada, yada, yada, and didn't divorced. We learned that the sex was not the more hurtful part of an affair. I can even understand it, although I would not have been cool with it. It was forgivable. The lies, the time away, the way he spoke about me to her, and lost opportunities. These are the parts that were most damaging. We learned that when people have affairs they talk about there spouse spinning everything into the worst light, so they and their second partner feel relieved of guilt. We also realized that other aspects of his behavior toward me were unfair, sexist, and detrimental. After that crisis, he made a sincere effort to be a better person. I was planning on leaving for a long time, and was just trying to find a way to do it that would not leave me and the kids impoverished. I was a SAHM at the time, and now I am working toward a professional career. He is now a better person, husband, and father than ever before. But the relationship is damaged. We get along well, are happy to see each other, are still best friends, co-parent, and sometimes even lovers. We are a family, even if it's a weird one....it might work for him. I'm less sure about working for me. For today, it makes me feel like I do not need to figure it all out right away, I can see what happens and be honest with everyone. Thank you for saying it can work for some people. I can understand it would also often fail....and maybe that's okay too. I never saw myself as someone who would/could have two lovers. ---------- Post added 20th Nov 2015 at 09:33 AM ---------- @ Bi2me Thank you! I will! Please keep me posted as well, maybe we can learn something from each others situation. Also thank you for the suggested resource, I will read it.
Hmmm, well given that situation, maybe an open marriage WOULD work for you guys. You've already been through the worst and come out the other end. I bet that right now he sees this as a way to atone for his past actions. Although frankly it sounds like he'll eventually want permission to see others, too, especially if you are only "occasionally" lovers. Maybe an open marriage could work for you both.
Thank you for answering and sharing so much. I'm sure it's not easy bringing up stuff from the past. Honestly, I believe any kind of relationship (that is healthy and legal) can work if the parties involved want it to. I know a married couple that has a boyfriend. I know a couple who are in an open relationship for years but neither has ever acted on it. If nothing else, if you're both on the same page of trying it out and seeing what happens, then it can't hurt.
Welcome to EC! I am married and in the same position as you. I can only date women though. We might just be grasping at straws, it depends on what you want from the arrangement and what you're willing to give or hold back from the people in your life. I was married 10 years before I wanted to use my "hall pass" and when I did I thought it would be exciting and sexy and fun. Well I immediately fell head over heels for the woman and am now trying to determine what that means for me and my marriage. I'm glad you and your husband have overcome strife in the past, but am sorry to hear that it may have irreparably damaged your relationship in some ways. I'm sure my marriage is "workable" and "repairable" but I'm not sure I want that. Hoping the best for you!
