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Worst night of my life

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Orchidea123, Nov 21, 2015.

  1. Orchidea123

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    This has probably been the worst night of my life..

    Was a bit sad about her letting me know she is with boyfriend after dealing with so much emotion for several months..previous thread..

    Husband wasn't sure what was going on so I ended up telling him that I've had attraction to mutual aquaintance and after all confusion ready to deal with it, put it to an end.
    I also told him that he is the closest person to me and that I feel greatful to confide and move on.

    His reaction was extremely negative, from derogatory comments about lesbian/bi, putting me down, accusing of cheating, and "m..bating thinking about her" while he is not around,that he'll never forget this or want to deal with me, will never have sex with me, that I should go off to her, that something is psychologically wrong with me to like her/ be attracted to her. That I will never be straight married to a man but go off with women that our kids should not be around me and that I am unfit mother etc.. Slurs. Etc.
    Getting angry on and off through the night, no sleep, then he starts getting violent.

    Grabbing me by my arms, pushing me around, blocking my way while I am begging for him to calm down and understand that this attraction I have no control over, but dealing with it and recognizing it is time to put and end to it and go on.

    I was terrified, as much as he is usually calm and laid back, I did not know what to expect. Hid my cell phone in jeans and ran to the car. He follows and blocks the way. At that point I ran out and kept running through neighbourhood.

    I was scared as it was still dark and there is no one in the area who can drive me anywhere except for her. Tried to dial her no luck. Wondered around and came back home.
    He had couple more terrible outbursts refusing to let me go to bed.
    He then left.
    I texted her apologizing for the call and finally let her know about my feelings, my marriage crumbling, husband being aggressive to the point that I needed her help and that's why called.
    Her reply was good: she is sorry to hear I am questioning my sexuality. She has a boyfriend now who she deeply cares for, she is not interested in me romantically but has an ear to listen any time.
    I texted really glad for her and that I am new to these feelings and ready to go on.

    There are some things she did here and there(won't go into detail) that somehow let me believe she liked me more than acquaintance. My mistake..

    The whole day so far husband has been out, I tried to reach him a few times and he refuses to accept this attraction was not something I chose, that it may be just her, that I did not go on and sleep with her.
    His most recent words were that he can not stay married to a lesbian.

    So, this is my story. I guess I did double blow to myself - telling her and my husband the truth same day, should have listened to all of you and opened up to her sooner!
    Maybe would have been ok with not telling husband then.
    I am so sad though that he does not think I should have told him, that he is not here to be supportive and work on things, and even said he doesn't love me anymore.

    So this is my story. It's amazing how meeting this girl has put me into so much life's turmoil and I don't see the light to any of this, at least not any time soon..
     
  2. paris

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    (*hug*)
     
  3. Nancy1

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    I'm am so sorry this is happening to you!!

    He has no right to treat you this way! You need to be safe first, and think of your kids too. Several aspects of his outburst would be considered abusive, including threatening to take the kids from you. I would recommend speaking to an spousal abuse hotline, just to hear some guidance about how to stay safe, and how to make sure you do not lose custody.

    Second, I think he reacted badly, but will calm down. What you were saying is reasonable, honest, and common. He will hopefully return to acting like the guy you know, and can deal with it.

    If you can, maybe talk to a lawyer too, not because you have decided to divorce, but to do everything correctly to protect yourself and your custody arrangements

    I can imagine how terrified you must feel, again I am so sorry this crisis is happening. I know it may be little comfort right now, but you did nothing wrong. You were honest and open.

    I'm new here, can I send you a friend request?
    My thoughts and prayers are with you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
  4. rachael1954

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    I am so sorry Orchidea.

    I agree your safety comes first. His outburst was abusive, and perhaps he felt like he was losing you. Many spouse abuses and worse happen at the time the woman leaves the husband. Although you were not even leaving him, you were being honest.

    I hope you do some reading on abuse in relationships, just for your own sake so that you can see patterns and ID them if they happen. I hope that that is the worst it has ever been or ever will be, but please just have a safety plan.

    Also talking to an attorney just for your own information could not hurt.

    You can always decide to stay with him forever, and work on the marriage if that is something you want, but please first do protect yourself.

    The things he says and does in anger may not be who he is, but please be careful going forward. He may calm down and this could have been a one time thing, but that is not certain.

    So sorry you had to go through this. You are trying to be brave and open with your thoughts, and your husband reacted terribly.

    If you want time away from him, go somewhere safe if you can and take time to recover and think. If you want to be near him and try to work with him to repair things, you can do so but he may not yet be willing to try. If you do that you would have to put a great deal of faith in him.

    Meeting my girl also put my life in turmoil. You're not alone.
     
    #4 rachael1954, Nov 21, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 21, 2015
  5. idsm

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    :icon_sad: I´m so sorry you have to go through this..
    I don´t know what to say. I just wish for everything to sort itself out.

    Please, for the love of God, do NOT believe his words. You are not unfit for a mother and nothing is wrong with you. (*hug*)
     
  6. Apollonia

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    (*hug*) Oh darling I can only echo what others have said above - SO sorry this had to happen to you. His reaction is not justifiable. Make sure you and your kids are safe - tell all this to a friend or someone else who can support you and help you if needed.
     
  7. Koan

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    Almost lost for words reading this.

    You did not deserve this.

    Your husband is certainly abusive towards you

    Please be careful and take care of yourself
     
  8. Distant Echo

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    Oh crap :frowning2:

    For gods sake protect yourself. The first spousal violence can be the precursor to much much more. I know this from personal experience.
    I am so sorry that this happened to you. As badly as he might have reacted, this is a terrifying reaction. You should never be in a situation where you run from your house in fear. You need to contact the police. If for nothing else than so there is a paper trail for when this gets worse or you have to fight for your kids.
    I'm sorry to say this, but you seriously need to look at whether it is safe for you and your kids to stay in this relationship. I don't know how old your kids are, but are they safe?
    Contact me on my wall anytime if you need to talk. I mean that.
     
  9. CapColors

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    Oh honey, I'm so sorry. What a terrible experience.

    He is way over-reacting; there is no way you should feel scared for yourself in a marriage, that is not OK.

    Definitely call some people for support. Do you have friends or family you can reach out to? If so, please contact them and bring them in for support. If not, find some local services as others have said.
     
  10. SammyTan

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    I had a long detailed answer written and accidentally hit the back button and it erased... Anyhow.. First things first. You didn't do anything wrong. You, in fact, did everything right. Well you probably could have told one then the other, but still. Don't feel guilty about anything you are not to blame.
    Second, no one should ever fear for their safety particularly not I. The sanctity of your own home. The fact that his anger and actions caused you to fear is alarming on several levels.
    Third, men, in particular, often respond in anger when they are afraid or hurt. I'm not excusing his behavior, but trying to explain it. The other times that men respond that way is when they are "found out" in something, such as its possible he had an attraction to your mutual friend as well... That's is pure supposition, but something to consider.

    I am new here myself so I don't know what the more seasoned here might say, but do take care of yourself and protect your children. Follow the sound advice given above, speak to an attorney, talk to a councilor and make sure you and your children are safe no matter what. I would also urge you to try to talk to him again, perhaps somewhere public like a coffee house or somewhere that you would have people around but no one listening... It may be that he was shocked and responded to the fight or flight response with fight...
    *hugs*
     
  11. bi2me

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    I am so sorry, Orchiea. Is there somewhere you can go to get out? His behavior to you was abusive, and no matter how upset he is/was, it's no excuse! Keep us posted.
    (*hug*)
     
  12. YeahpIdk

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    (*hug*)

    That really is a bad night.

    I know how horrible it must have been to read that reply from your friend, saying she was uninterested - and on top of that, having your husband flip out.

    First, your husband:
    Please do not take anything he said literally. Like many have said here, that behavior was emotionally unstable and completely abusive, EVEN given the circumstances. It was a reaction out of fear, to make you fearful and powerless: he's going to take YOUR kids away because you're unfit, YOU'RE sick and not right... okay. That was all a huge power play to make you feel abnormal, and YOU ARE NOT. You're perfectly fine. It's crappy news to receive, that your spouse may not be that into you anymore, but you DO NOT act out so violently. That's a problem, and something you should think about for you and your children's future.

    Your crush:
    Not really sure what to say here. I've been through this (not quite the same), and so have many others on this forum. I was a little confused about your situation, I've been following your posts about this lady for some time, and I didn't quite understand your friendship -- you seemed close, but then not all that close. Either way, I am sorry about what she said. I know how painful that is. I'm still sad about when it happened to me, and that was awhile ago! Time will heal, and I think you really need to keep some distance from her. I understand she said she'd be an ear, but don't do it, it will only make your emotions for her heightened because she's being there for you, and all it will do is burn because she doesn't feel the same - and she has a boyfriend.

    I think that, because no one around you knew what was going on, your emotions took over and you couldn't keep it to yourself anymore, so you kind of exploded and let this news hit everyone involved all at once. Good idea? Maybe not. Bad of you? No... I don't think you could help it. It was a lot to keep on your plate. What's done is done, and now you need to just move forward. I would forget her, and seriously think about what your husband did, and if that's worth having around. I would listen to what others have said here, and consult a divorce attorney/consult a spousal abuse hotline to talk with someone about this so you can be prepared for your next move. He cannot take your children away from you because you told him that you were attracted to a female, so please don't worry or be scared about that.

    Please find someone who knows and loves you to talk to about this -- we're here for you, but it's not enough. Stay safe(*hug*)
     
  13. Julietta

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    I only just read this.

    I agree with all the points made above.

    Just wanted to say I'm so terribly sorry and sad for you that it's turned out this way and I hope you will stick with us through this really difficult time and keep telling us how you are?

    (&&&)