What has your experience been with making friends (purely platonic relationships) after coming out? So by way of background, I really need help making friends. I have one good friend, but he lives a long way away. I had lots of trouble making friends up to this point, and I think it was because I was always trying very hard to (a) hide who I truly was, or (b) scare people away from me so they wouldn't know who I was. As I come out, though, I'm not minding people knowing that I'm gay, or at least not minding as much as I used to. In short, I'd really like to start making friends. This staying home alone every single solitary night is old (and incredibly lonely). The thing that worries me, though, is that I've read that it's very difficult to make new friends after 30; supposedly, people start to focus on their existing friendships at that point. Since I really don't have any existing friendships to start with, I'm worried that I'm pretty much screwed for life. I hate this. Is there hope for me? Note that there are no LGBT meetup groups anywhere nearby, and the nearest city is about 4 hours' drive away.
I feel like the best way to make permanent friends is to join something that's uniting under a cause or movement. For example, maybe you can join a food drive and help a team help the homeless, or join a club for fundraising something. There's something magical and unbreakable about bonds formed this way.
There's a meet up I've seen called "I love my friends but". I'm guessing it's for people looking for new friend material. Maybe there's something like that near you.
You know, I'd totally forgotten about volunteering as a way to meet people. I'll have to look around to see what's available. And I think I'd make a good friend. I'm loyal and dependable. I like to go do stuff, especially "different" kinds of things just to keep things interesting. I like to laugh and have fun. I think I could do it.
Yea! You seem like that kind of person. And usually, there'll be dinners or parties or whatever to celebrate, so it's a great opportunity to mingle and get to know people.
One of the things I did after coming out was to make a conscious effort to meet new people, especially gay people. I'm not exactly shy, but years of being in the closet have made me difficult to really "know." With strangers, I tend to keep things on a friendly, but superficial level. I'm also somewhat shy — not more than most people, but enough to stall most conversations before they really get going. One of the things I did to combat this was to really make an effect to remember people's names. As soon as I meet someone, I ask myself, who does s/he remind me of — this helps me to remember initially. Then, I take every opportunity that comes my way to use that person's name. And when I see them again, I make the initial approach — Hi, (whatever), remember me? I'm X. People really seem to appreciate being remembered. They also like to be listened to, so I try not to be the one to do all the talking (usually, that's easy) I've also always marveled at people who are outgoing and just go ahead and introduce themselves to strangers. Now I try to do that myself. I can't do it every time — some people/situations are just too intimidating — but every so often I spy someone in a social setting who I suspect is as shy as me and I go out of my way to say hello. It really works, and the more often you do it, the easier it becomes.
I echo people who say to focus on hobbies or volunteering. Also, one good thing to keep in mind is that you can meet a few people who ALREADY have friends, and they can bring you into their circles, by which you'll meet new people without having to truly put yourself out there for each individual bond.
Okay, so while I'm thinking about this thread, here's another twist: do you ever feel like you're confusing sexual attraction for friendship? I want both guy platonic friends and a boyfriend. In other words, I'm seeking two very different things from the same population of people. It feels a little weird; is this even possible?
I don't think you can confuse sexual attraction for friendship. For me some of the crushes I've had, I was instantly attracted to the person and well, I wanted something to happen. With many of my friends I've only wanted friendship. But then again, my biggest crush was with an acquaintance who flirted with me at one point. I saw her as a friend before that, but after I couldn't stop thinking about her. I feel like I haven't answered your question very well and now I'm questioning what I wrote. I guess though, if there's potential for attractions, flirting makes a difference. I want the same things as you, gay friends and a girlfriend. It must be possible.
I have very close friends from adolescence who I adore and keep up with--but we don't live nearby so I only see them once or twice a year. So I've really had to make friends where I'm at and I can tell you that all of the close friends I have in my town I met from volunteering or from work. It's definitely not impossible to make close friends later on. In the past 11 years I've moved 5 times...BIG moves...so I've had to do this over and over again. As the previous posters said, you really just have to put yourself out there. ---------- Post added 22nd Nov 2015 at 01:03 AM ---------- I should add that I'm one of those people who is always looking for friends, and I guarantee you there are people just like me (or you) with open hearts. Sometimes I'll just tell people, "I like you and I want to be your friend." Sounds super dorky and awkward but it works. Think about if someone said that to you, you'd be like, "Hell yes, let's do this!"
This is slightly different since it wasn't post coming out, but after my ex girlfriend broke up with me, I felt like I really needed to meet some new friends. I tried a few things that didn't work for me, but I joined my boxing gym with no intentions of making friends there and ended up making some of the best friends I've ever had in my life. So I definitely think doing something that involves people but that you aren't necessarily doing just to make friends can be the path. You're there for a uniting reason and as long as you're a little open with people, you'll just naturally make friends. In terms of the wanting to make gay friends but also having it clash with sexual interest, I can totally relate to that! Perhaps because I still tend to think in the direction of "hey, you're gay/bi? Me too! We should have sex!" Now granted, I think you can make friends this way, haha, but it's also possible to just not be attracted to everybody. I made one gay friend years ago. Met him on Craigslist. We talked for awhile. Finally decided to hook up one day. He came over and instead of having sex, we just talked some more! I realized pretty quickly that I wasn't attracted to him, but we got along very well so being friends wasn't such a bad thing!
Life is so complicated as it is, and over time I realized that I could only afford a very small group of people I would deem to be friends. When I first came out, I wanted to develop a massive network of friends however like your trying to do. What I realized was that I actually was not looking for friends, but looking to be able to discuss things with other people that could relate to what I was going through. Based on both the limited time I have to allocate to friendships and my need to talk with others to relate to, I realized that I actually could be happy with just a very small group, which I have been able to develop, and leverage the relationships and people on EC to help with needing to connect with others in a similar situation.
