Got told I'm not trans. That trauma made me do it

When I came out to my mom, (as a transgender male, ftm), she told me that she simply didn't believe me, and continues to point out anything I do that seems in any way feminine, (like the cat I drew on my physics homework, to that one time when I wore a feminine shirt) to try and 'prove' that I don't identify as male. She tells me that I must be pretending to not like 'girly' things, and if I pick out the blue curtains instead of the pink ones she says I'm just doing it to make it look like I'm choosing boys things, and makes a sort of angry 'you're stupid to think that' scoff and rolls her eyes if I mention that I'm a guy. She also gets mad when other people use my preferred names and pronouns.

 

I was married (from 18-22). The relationship was abusive, and I started to develop a separate space for myself as a survival mechanism, mainly via nerdy table top gaming, which gave me an excuse to get out of the house. Once I had a space where I could be myself, I started fooling around with a girl I liked. My ex-husband knew, and zoned in on it when I told him I was leaving. He responded with rape, and then threw my non-responsiveness in my face with a bunch of homophobic slurs and other choice stuff.

There is clearly a difference between this and what you're describing (though that comment about your traumatic experience from your SO is way out of line in my opinion), but I relate to the hurt and the replaying of identity questions in the face of someone trying to use trauma as a tool to undo you. As someone else here told me back in April, trauma inflects our interactions, but it doesn't define our orientation/identity. It took me like ten years to figure that out.

*hugs*

 

Okay, that is the most horrible thing I have ever read.... Wtf... (*hug*) I mean, I understand her having trouble coping with your identity to SOME extent... But you were raped?! And she's using YOUR RAPE AGAINST YOU?! Oh baby girl... (*hug*) I just don't even know what to say to that... That's fucked up... (*hug*)

....okay... Despite that... I'll try to throw in my two cents on the subject of people trying to... Convince you your not trans... It's a shock sometimes, some people especially people who care about you don't want to believe it's true... So they kind of do the opposite mental math we do to dissect our trans status growing up, trying to look for signs and what not... I think it's a strong denial that is born from a place of worry, and I'd like to think in most cases a place of love, not wanting us to go through something so hard... But that's probably wishful thinking... (*hug*) stay strong sweetie.... I hope things get better...

 

This. This would be enough for me to end the relationship on the spot. Your rapist must have pulled it out of your....what the actual???!!!

Honestly. What the actual? She isn't going to accept you for you, she is going out of her way to hurt you. Is this the way you want to live? With someone who is using the rape as a weapon against you

Holy crap. I would seriously have left on the spot.

 

Please don't. This "abuse causes someone to be gay/trans/queer" business has gone on for far too long, and used to make it seem like a choice, while also making us seem somehow disordered. It's not your fault.

Now, I have my own ideas on "why" some folk who might have identified as gender-nonconforming men or women "decide" to transition and live full time, but in the end, does it really matter? They don't deserve all the hate thrown at them, either way.

I spoke to a trans woman on another forum who shared her life story, and immediately, other members started using her early trauma to erase her being trans. Even if it were so, this is who she is, and trying to discredit her was just awful.

Think about it: she has everything to lose, and you have everything to gain. Partners have been known to lie, abuse, or stay in-denial for years, just to hold on. It's selfish and cowardly, even if understandable. This is painful for everyone involved, and yes, you will lose friends and family, but that's how you know who is true to you (plus you'll make more on the way).

There's no excuse for invalidating your experiences, saying you'd be unattractive, or any of that. I've had people tell me I'm confused, curious, "really" straight/gay, in terms of my bisexuality, and a few doctors tried to scare me with stories of trans women losing all ability to enjoy sexual activities. The amount of ignorance out there can be exhausting.

 

I'm so sorry that you had and have to go through this. My experiences are very similar to yours, my family are latching on to my past trauma of having cancer as the source of all my problems. They claim that I have never shown any signs that I was trans and they would have seen something. The narrative repeats itself among pretty much all of my family. I'm confused and was influenced by others, adopting a label which I see as something that will solve all of my problems. Like you, I've been attacked without regards for my feelings in a fairly cruel manner as in their eyes I am about to make a huge mistake and I am going to ruin my life and as such they should do anything in their power to stop me. Your wife seems to be responding in the same way and her threats and cruel words show a large amount of desperation.

Leaving your wife is obviously a last resort, especially because you have children. Is your wife seeing a therapist, one thing that I've learned is that when we transition not only we go through a journey, so do our family. In a similar way to which we need to learn to accept ourselves, they also need to learn to accept us for who we are and some find it harder than others.

I hope everything works out in the end. You are such a kind and lovely person and it pains me to see you going through such an awful situation.

Much hugs and love, (*hug*)

Evelyn

 

This is just a horrible thing to say. I see she is angry, hurt and confused but to indicate that the trauma you experienced resulted in you being trans is not logical nor supportive. It's like blaming you for being raped, or that you engaged in it with some sort of desire. Sadly, this view of sexual abuse is not uncommon and is very shaming and confusing to the victim. I'm sorry this happened to you and PTSD is often the result and can be very serious. I do hope that you have a safe place to talk about this (including here!). Be kind to yourself (&&&)