I find myself feeling very needy lately. That's not normal for me, I'm usually pretty strong and self-reliant. But lately, the bad days leave me feeling like reaching out to people, like an ex (a best friend kind of ex, but not one I keep in touch with often), or my new friend (a very kind encouraging friend), who I'm kind of seeing romantically... It's not necessarily a great idea. I have real long-standing friends, and even this forum where that would be more appropriate, but I have a certain need for comfort that I think drives me to these people I think I shouldn't depend on. I think I need something happy in my life, something constructive, that I feel is making me more centred on turning inward for strength. What do you guys do when you need to rebuild your strength? Any thoughts?
I honestly struggle when I'm at my lowest, and it doesn't take much for me to drop right now. I can't talk to B about what I really want, just discussing me being lesbian is too much. I can, to some degree, talk to J, but not about everything. I find I'm self-censoring to everyone, to different degrees, but absolutely everyone. The biggest help I find is blogging. Just write it all down. Not necessarily posting it, but typing it all out, getting it out of my head. I also use the post a secret thread on here a lot. Just to get it out there. This site is my release valve, my safety net.
I do find journaling and writing helps me... I think in terms of reaching out I'm looking for some kind of release from the negative stuff that's happening in my life. Like a strong distraction from the bad stuff. I just wonder if some kind of constructive hobby could bring some positive outlet for me or something to look forward to.
Talking things out helps me feel better, so I turn to the two or three confidants I have and lay what's on my mind on them. My wife HATES that I do this and would prefer that I didn't discuss our relationship with anybody. But that's just not me. I feel completely stressed out when I'm keeping my feelings inside. I'll also turn to my one friend just to hang out. He makes me feel a lot better and calmer. I probably depend too much on him emotionally, especially given he was the guy who I fell for and made me question my sexuality full stop. But he turns to me for the same reasons. We're best friends and this point. We talk about getting an apartment together, stuff like that. Sometimes I wish I had somebody else to turn to emotionally over him, but honestly I know I'm not in love with him anymore (I've stopped doing a lot of little things that I used to do when I was borderline obsessed with him) and at this point it feels a lot more like just the close friendship that it is on his side as well. He's still hot though...hahaha.
COS, it's interesting to see your response because I actually thought I need some kind of physical outlet like perhaps kickboxing or something. Does your boxing help you in this at all? I also find talking super helpful. But for some reason, even though I've got a few good people to talk to, I still feel myself yearning to talk to people who offer me comfort and distraction but who maybe I shouldn't depend on so much. This new friend/romantic interest is incredibly encouraging, kind, supportive....but also new, you know? I was thinking today I am going to try a writing challenge, every few days or so, try writing something based on a set of writing prompts. I guess the idea is to have something I can look forward to, that comes from me rather than others. I want to try to keep myself from looking to others for missing pieces. I'm on a good track I think to finding what I need for me, but there are some painful days. I want to gain strength to get through them.
YES! Boxing is one of the most therapeutic things I do. Both because I enjoy seeing my friends at the gym and because it takes quite a bit of focus and attention. Plus hitting something never hurts. :lol: I fully recommend trying kickboxing or something physical that can become an outlet for you. My job has gotten slightly busier lately too as I've started editing videos for the organization and that again is something I love that just takes all of my attention. I think the writing challenges are a great idea. I wish I could focus and write more, but unless it's an article or something with a deadline, I rarely focus enough to execute.
I kickbox as well. Fucking love it. My trigger crush turned me on to it and it's amazing. It makes chicks gayer though I swear to god. It ramps up my testosterone like crazy. ---------- Post added 22nd Nov 2015 at 04:31 PM ---------- didn't your husband and you decide to take a break though? I might have missed a thread or two.
I love the way it makes me feel to be physical, I think I will try kickboxing. Yes, my husband and I are taking a break...we're not separated, still living together, so basically we can see other people and then after a short time, try to put that aside and focus on us. Things are emotional at hone as a result. I feel mostly good when it comes to going out there and exploring things, though I haven't done much yet. But there's s lot of heated discussions about what we're doing and it leaves me feeling sad, frustrated, vulnerable. Which is where I find myself looking for an escape and for comfort. i don't know what's going to happen...things aren't very positive right now. He was being mostly supportive until a few days ago. Prior to that we'd been having emotional discussions, and he was wanting to be close and be romantic, and that left me feeling uncomfortable and stressed. It's hard, I know it is, on his end. So I don't blame him for all the emotions he's going through. I just find the whole thing exhausting and painful.
Make sure you spend at least some time on a bag or hitting someone else. Just kickboxing classes don't do it. Well, I'd imagine it would be exhausting and painful! I mean jeez. Can you stay somewhere else for a month or two? Like even a spare room?
I could sleep on the couch... I'm trying to balance the need for space I have with the feeling that he wants that I'm not pulling away too much. I have told him that more space for me would make things better in the end, and would make it easier for me to focus on us again later. I also find it stressful that I depend on him for getting time out of the house because he's with our daughter when I go out...tomorrow for example I was planning on going to a meetup, where I could maybe meet women, or even just make friends. I think if he's too angry, he won't make it easy for me to get out of the house. That sounds terrible... I'm not sure who's the bad guy in that situation... I also have plans for Saturday, and I really don't want to miss them. Gah. On the other hand, bigger picture, he's in the other room hurting right now, and I worry about the path this is leading us to...is he just going to want to throw in the towel? Do I want that? I'm torn honestly. I was leaning heavily towards working things through, but I'm getting wary again. Part of me is scared of divorce not just because I'm scared of losing him, but because he has a very different sense about how we should do it. I want to suck it up and make it a slow process for our daughter. He wants it to be quick and done if we do it. He also had his claws out the other night, and in anger made some comments that felt very spiteful, in terms of, if I leave, me having less time with our daughter than him. I know it was out of anger, but even in an angry state, I would never make him feel that I'd try to take away his equal share of time with our daughter. Never. We were up until 3 following that one, me giving him an earful about how horrible that was. I'm scared because if it's going to go down the path of divorve, I want to be united and respectful and make it smooth for our little girl, and I'm not confident we can be a team in that area. So... Things are feeling hard.
I am so sorry you are going through this. It is an emotional roller-coaster. Stay strong and true to yourself.
I guess I don't understand how you can take a break and still be in the same bed and he's staying at home while you go off? It seems like a stressful mix of things! I would have to sleep in a spare bed. I couldn't sleep with my husband next to me if he knows I want to sleep with other people and am actively trying to do so. Carve out some space for yourself, somewhere in the house. I live in manhattan, I know extra space is tricky. Stay in a closet if you need to (the irony). Also, I agree it is no good for you to have to depend on him to go out. Get a sitter---get a loan to do it if you need to. He can see movies by himself if he wants, go out with friends, go to a bar, go to the office. But he won't be sitting around, darkly muttering to your daughter and stewing over you.
I live in Manhattan too, in a studio apartment, so yeah I definitely know that arrangement isn't something my wife and I would ever be able to have. If we ever take a break, and I think that could happen before long, I would have to move out. Pretty much no two ways about that. I've come to terms with it though and the thought doesn't scare me anymore.
Thanks Athena . COS and Cap, I'm right there with you, you guys are saying sensible, reasonable things....but, there are 2 factors which sort of get in the way- 1-money, 2-my husband's wishes... So in terms of me not staying at home, that's actually more a preference to not change my daughter's routine. We agreed that if need be, we'd look for a separate apartment, but we prefer not to go that route of we can handle it otherwise. So we're doing it this way for now. It is also expensive and I don't know that we can afford it so easily. But in terms of getting a sitter, it's not something we could justify spending on just the two of us more than once/month or maybe a little more, so to start getting sitters for this is just a bit tough on our pockets. I think it is a good idea to keep it in my back pocket as an option, like just so you know if you're not comfortable, I'm happy to get a sitter... In terms of sleeping arrangements, this is my husband's preference. He wants me to stsy close to him through this whole thing. He doesn't want to give up on wirking on us, evrn while we are doing this....it's emotionally very challenging for me, but I don't want to push him too hard, because he's really giving a lot in this agreement. I don't know how to do this any better...this whole agreement was an alternative to separation...if this isn't working, that's a conversation we know we have to have, but even if we're separated down the line, I don't know that we'd be in separate apartments right away. That might be more gradual, for lots of little reasons.
For me, connecting with my close friends and talking out my issues and also listening to their issues too. It puts things in perspective and I realize I'm not the only one going through hard times. Talking to a therapist when I'm able to helps as well. Going to an exercise class usually helps immensely, especially when they really push you. When none of these are possible a bowl of chocolate peanut butter ice cream and some mindless TV will get me through a tough night. Been doing that too much lately...unhealthy snacking. This one's better done in moderation...
Seriously get a sitter. It's costly but it's less expensive than divorce. Prioritize man. Get a loan from your parents if you have to. It's symbolic as hell: you guys are going out in the world at the same time. Little symbolisms mean sp much. Or at least if you can't do this, each take a night out a week while the other one sits. Make him take his.
Lindsey, Yes, my friends are amazing . I'm glad I hsvevthrm to talk to. Also, im officially starting art therapy soon...that will be so helpful. I hear you about the ice cream and treats...this is a weakness for me. I eat for comfort. You know you're right. I've said both of these to my husband, but I don't think I've insisted enough. I'm going to push for us to do it one of those two ways.
