I dont understand...

For me, I agree. Lesbian means I can't have a fulfilling relationship with a man. He's still hoping I "change my mind" and go back to identifying as bi, but I know for my own sake, I can't.
Our relationship, for me at least, is over.
I guess the big difference is that I don't have that special someone to turn to. I have someone I would like to turn to, very much, but I can't see that happening in the near future, unfortunately. The best I can hope for there, at least for now, is friendship.
But, I am looking, I am trying to put myself out there, but with no LGBT community around here, at all, it's hard.
I hope the two of you work this out soon, I understand how hard it is

 

@inamirrordarkly,
Just had a thought. Have you ever put a profile on a dating site just so you could browse what, if any, women live in your area? There may be no community but there might be individuals around you're just not aware of. Even if you're not interested in online dating, it might give you an idea if there are any women around you who are interested in women.

 

I totally agree. It is incomprehensible that your husbands want you guys to stay. I would not want to be with a gay man in a closed relationship, no matter how close we were otherwise. It's so fucking crazy to me they are acting like this.

 

I don't understand it either, other than to think it's a power/control thing, or just denial on their part. Either way, it will need to change at some point. You can't go on like this forever.

 

This is one thing I will give my wife credit for. She has said she does not want to be with me if I am gay. That it doesn't make sense. She wants me to love her and have that be enough. But at the end of the day, if I come to the conclusion that I am gay or that I'd be happier dating men overall, she would let me go.

 

It's one thing if they need you financially, I guess. But even if that were the case I'd be like "look I can't afford a divorce right now but let's live as roommates until we can."

I not saying it wouldn't suck in the interim but I would work toward letting them go.

 

It seems like it's mostly a power trip kind of thing to me...

 

I journaled about something similar last night . . .

It all comes down to comfort. Some people are just so used to being comfortable, that taking any sort of risk is terrifying. So they retreat. And it can be the gay spouse, or the straight spouse. It works either way.

My husband and I had a very comfortable life. He's a loving, gentle, kind man and, if I were straight, I'd have done anything I could to save the marriage, because he's a catch. I knew he was good for me. I was comfortable. So I didn't face the truth. I ignored it and trudged on. But what happened? Anger and resentment, however misplaced, began to surface. Depressed ensued. And when I met a woman and fell for her, I cheated, because I had convinced myself that everyone else was responsible for my angst and depression.

My life changed when I focused on me, began to fall in love with ME, cultivated faith that I could be HAPPY and wasn't just an UNHAPPY person, and realized that I had been my own worst enemy. Now I had nobody to blame but myself. So I had to change. That's the thing about the truth. Once you realize it and address it, it doesn't go away. It's there, and you can't push it away. The trouble is having the balls (sorry, or vagina) to face it and stop repressing it.

I had to fall in love with myself and be comfortable enough with who I was before I could leave for good. I had to realize that I did not need a relationship to define me, and that nobody else was responsible for my happiness but me. I can honestly say now that, despite my life being a shit-storm at the current moment, I am the happiest I have been in a very long time because I am living without secrets, and I am living without shame. Similarly, the straight spouse needs to realize that they are worth more too, that they deserve an authentic life just as much as the gay spouse does.

In the case of your girlfriend's husband, he's scared. He has had a comfortable life. He does not want to do the work to start over. He's relying on her for his happiness, blaming her for his current unhappiness, instead of looking inwardly and realizing that he deserves the same kind of love that she does--one that is reciprocated and fulfilling.

 

Mellie is straight up Yoda-ing all over us tonight and I fucking LOVE IT. KEEP IT UP GIRL.

 

Like a BOSS!

 

*slowly raises hand* I actually did that the other day. I then deleted my account. I Just wanted to see if there was any people even on there from my area and if so what the ages were. I wish there was a lesbian FRIEND dating app.

---------- Post added 23rd Nov 2015 at 10:04 PM ----------

This is my marriage exactly! My husband is a great guy. Which is why it is SO much harder.

 

I'm pretty sure some, if not all, have an option to say you're just looking for friends. Although, I agree. If the app was exclusively just for friends, it would take some of the pressure off.

So, we're there any woman people in your area?

 

Yeah, umm apps are problematic here. One account for four iPads and two iPods and any apps bought on one comes up on the purchase list for the others...

I have googled for my town and two appear. One who I've seen around and another that just seems to want hookups and is rather crude about it. Not interested in either. And I'm certainly not going to approach either lol.
I know of a few others, one has a girlfriend afaik, but I'm not sure about her. Could be just my imagination. Another is my son's new housemate, lol and a possibility of another today, at the supermarket, but far far far too young lol.
My son's housemate is fairly quiet and not one I could ask if she knows any around lol. A bit (!!!) out of my comfort zone apart from the whole not being out yet

 

Hmm. Ok. Let me back up a minute and please excuse the IT in me coming out. I'm pretty sure and should have noted this that all these apps have websites too so you can use them just through a browser. And if one of those devices is yours alone, you could create a new Apple ID which doesn't "know" about the other devices, no? It doesn't even need a credit card associated with it. Mine doesn't and all these apps are free.

Feel free to ignore this if it simply doesn't work in your case. I just wanted you to know about other options, technically, if you didn't already know about them.

 

Yeah, I do know about them, but a new apple id would cause other problems, and I can't always have this iPad all to myself. I have looked at some websites but the whole sex sex sex now now now thing is just off putting. I might do it one day with false info, but not that keen on doing that. I certainly couldn't put my own info out there and I don't do photos.

 

I so wish someone would download this belief into my wife's brain! I thought when I said I was gay that would be it! But no... hope springs eternal... or delusion does.

 

Well, tbh I'm more sympathetic to women, because they typically lose more in divorce than men do. (Not a comment on you, just the way it is---it's harder to remarry as a woman than as a man, they typically earn less, etc.) That being said, at some point any person has to realize it's cruel to hold to something that's dead.

 

I understand the sentiment... my wife has earned more than me every year of our marriage pretty much. She has her family and friends around her, mine are thousands and thousands of miles away. I have no friends where I live. I am essentially and for all purposes alone against her entire family and friends. This place has never been my home. She lives in the same house, she goes to work at the same time, she shops at the stores she has shopped at since she was a little girl. I live in a culture that still sometimes seems so strange to me but in which I have learned to coexist , she gets up every morning and lives the only culture she has ever known. I continue to pay everything I have always paid. Her dad supports her emotionally and in many other ways (and for the most part is civil to me) but my father died during this time of upheaval. He was an amazing dad, he instantly accepted me as gay, I wish that he could be here right now, he always knew the right thing to do. Every morning I drive in the darkness many miles so I can take the kids to school, I try to never skip a day because I know how important consistency is. They need to know daddy will be there when he's supposed to be there. By the time my work day starts I've already been up and going for 4-5 hours. I arrive home with just enough time to eat a little and try to go to sleep and do it all over again. Honestly, I have it much better than others, my life is a cakewalk in comparison to some, but to suggest she has given up so much more than me is just completely untrue.

I do understand where you are coming from, but in my case I gave up everything I knew for her, then I subsumed myself within her and catered to her needs for a very long time, and then when I finally figured out I needed to take care of me, I still ended up with far less than she.

 

I miss that. Being bi. I want to have that back. I can't. I'm so frustrated I wish I was dead.