I would frustrate the heck out of the Spice Girls right now!

My obsession with music from the 90s is to thank for the subject line, because all I can think is the Spice Girls asking me to tell them what I want, what I really really want, and I don't know!

Things really do feel like a roller coaster at home still. My wife and I have good moments, sometimes even good days, and then we have bad moments and full on bad days. And it fluctuates so easily. I spent Friday night out with a friend. I missed her the entire time. Like really, genuinely missed her. And then around midnight she starts texting me angrily about not being home yet (even though she knew not to expect me home til late) and for not texting her (even though she had stopped texting me). That quickly, the feelings of missing her disappear and the frustration returns.

That said, there's still this huge part of me that feels like if I were just straight, or even more solidly bisexual, our problems are the sort of problems that you can work through and fix. But add in the confusion about my sexuality - am I just gay? Or at the very least, would I just be happier dating men? - and it becomes twice as hard. Because even if we do fix everything, if I still have that curiosity about dating men, what happens? I almost wish we were either a step backwards in our relationship (just dating) or much further ahead (like on year 3 of marriage, instead of week 2) because then taking a break to explore things would be a realistic possibility. Or at least a conversation to have.

We looked into couples counseling last week. It's just far too expensive. I'm looking into some other options that might be more affordable. She finally got on board with the idea of counseling after I showed her an article I came across with 6 signs that your relationship might need counseling (the article suggested that even if you check off only one of the 6, you should seek it out...we easily checked off all 6).

I guess more and more as we deal with our differences, I just see how in fact different we are. A perfect example - words mean a lot to me. Perhaps it is the writer in me, but words come with a lot of power in my head. My wife is more about actions, and can write off words easily as not meaning exactly what she said depending on the moment. So the other day when we got into an argument about saying I love you, and she turned around and said "I hate you," it destroyed me. Left me a crying mess. And I reasoned it out later on. It's how she fights. I've seen her fight with her mom and brother, and it's the same. They say incredibly hurtful things to each other, never apologize, and just move forward and don't question anything about their relationship. But I would never say that to anybody unless I was trying to hurt them. And I almost feel like it's that thing that you say and can't really take back. So it still stings, even almost a week later.

On Saturday we had a long heart to heart at a coffee shop. She continues to tell me that she feels like I do not love her anymore, which I don't know how to respond to. Me saying I do is not enough to convince her. Doing things she asks isn't enough to convince her. I almost feel like she's become codependent in an unhealthy way, and proving I love her would take me giving her my undivided attention 24/7, which just isn't something I feel like I can do. I've been in that relationship and I don't think it's healthy. But it's hard, because you can only have somebody tell you that you don't love them anymore so many times before you start to wonder if they're right. She keeps telling me I look angry too, which makes me scratch my head. I don't feel angry, and I don't know if that's just her expecting me to be angry about something she did, or if it's more along the lines of what came up in another thread recently - am I just putting out an angry disposition because of other things? Denial? Frustration? Even when I'm not consciously thinking about it?

I told her that me not leaving means that I love her, but she says that's not enough to prove it. I did explain to her that I'm not afraid of what my life would be like if I moved out. I've thought it through, I have plans for what it would look like. And I don't just mean dating men. I know where I'd go live until I could afford my own place. I've taken steps and started saving money and building my credit up. I'm not saying it would be easy, but I've got a plan. I'm not afraid. I'm not even bothered by the idea of being single. I stay because I'd be sad to not be with her. But that's not proof enough.

She then turns around and uses the same logic on me though. She said she's supporting of me being bisexual. I asked how. "Well, I haven't left you." That's not showing support. I've moved past thinking she owes me any sort of open relationship - that was selfish thinking on my part. But she doesn't like when I talk about being bi, and doesn't want me being open about it (she gives me the "be yourself, but accept the consequences," which says to me she doesn't want me to be open). So I don't think of it as her being supportive. Perhaps that's unfair thinking on my part.

I just wish I felt 100% in one direction or another. That I felt like I must be with men and that's it. Part of me still thinks my trigger crush could have been the one guy, and that I'd be giving up being with somebody who I could potentially work things out with just to go and hope to find somebody else. Like I said, I'm not worries about being single per se, but I don't want to be single forever. And dating guys feels like potentially such new ground that I'm not even remotely sure I'm ready to explore.

Like I said, I just don't know. Sometimes it feels like I peek my head out of the closet (so to speak), look around, and decide to go back in because we have warmth here.

 

You're correct about us not being legally married.

I do see a therapist alone. Have for a few months now. It definitely helps. But there's a long way to go.

In terms of being financially dependent on her, the answer is technically no. I say technically because I do have a job that pays well and could afford to live on my own. I've done it. We've only been together for 3 years. I lived alone for the first year and change. I don't have any savings, that's the main issue with starting over. But I have family and friends who would put me up while I saved. So it's not a major concern if push came to shove. That said, she makes about ten times what I make, and definitely pays for our current lifestyle. So while I can afford to be alone, I also admittedly don't fund most things right now outside of fun and a few bills. But I'm not financially dependent the way some are, where I'd be entirely hurting if we broke up. And we don't have kids or anything like that.

 

I agree, our SO doesn't owe it to us to listen about our sexuality, but it sure would be nice. This is the person I'm supposed to share everything with and I can't share the thing that is probably on my mind more than anything else. It's tough. And I get that she doesn't want to hear when I think s guy is hot or something, but just talking about the confusion and the things going through my head would be enough. Ah well.

Don't worry, we're on the same page about not having kids. Not now.

 

I guess I know that I want to explore things with men, but I also know I don't want to lose my "wife" from my life. I don't know. I wish I could go back three years and instead of having a romantic relationship I could just become her gay best friend.

I think you said it once before Cap, I messed this all up a long time ago.

 

That's the thing, while there's nothing keeping me physically like some others, emotionally it's really tough to think about walking away and losing this person from my life who I do love. To me, that's almost as hard if not harder, because technically there's nothing tying us to each other. If we split up and she never wants to see me again, that's just the way it will have to be. That's the thing I don't know I'm strong enough to handle right now. The rest is just material to me and I've proven to myself that I can survive it before.

---------- Post added 24th Nov 2015 at 07:58 AM ----------

See, this is one place where I sort of wonder about myself. I feel like there was a time when I was all in with my "wife," where she could have suggested just about anything and I would have been supportive and game. She could have said she needed to move to another city or country for work, and I would have gone along. There's almost nothing I can think of in "what if" scenarios that I would say would make me want to leave her. Perhaps if she said she was a lesbian, but even then she'd probably have to be the one to say she needs to not be with me anymore (ironically, I'd probably just offer an open relationship, haha). I don't know, maybe I should have more deal breakers than I do. I think I give in too much to "in love" and feeling like that conquers all. I don't even believe in soul mates. I believe many people come into your life for a reason and are meant to be there, and how you interpret that and what relationships you form with them are up to you. But I don't believe that there's only 1 person out there for everybody. Heck, even if you were only a perfect match with 1 in every million people, there's a couple BILLION people in the world. Still a lot of perfect matches!

I guess part of me still feels like I agree that being together should mean growing and accepting each other, but the more time passes, the more I think that's just my hopeless romantic mind wanting love to win always. It's just not that simple.