My wife (soon to be ex) won't let go...

Hey All,

First let me introduce myself. I am 38 years old, I've been married for about 9 years and have two kids. It's been about 2.5 years since I told my wife that I was gay. She took it much better than I expected, to be honest I told her I was bisexual at first, I honestly wasn't 100% sure and I struggled to tell her something so brutal although I now realize it was a mistake not just being honest about my suspicions of being gay rather than bi.

Almost two years ago I told her I needed to move out. She asked me if I needed to think or if that was just it, I wish I had said the later but I didn't although honestly I wasn't ready or even sure, I did need some time to contemplate my future. Over time I got over my enthusiasm for my new found identity and calmed down and I didn't do anything irresponsible. Although, I in no way was avoiding responsibilities for the kids I did make some bad choices initially but over time I calmed down and became heavily involved in my kids lives again.

It took me about a year to find the courage and make the decision to end the marriage. It was a horrible, heart wrenching decision. It's my great failure that I didn't act faster for her sake, yet I felt I should give the decision a lot of thought, she deserved that much. Yet I knew I was gay, which is effectively an unmovable object but she talked a lot about mixed orientation marriages and how she wanted me to come home. During the time we were separated she had moments of kindness and many moments of incredible hate and said incredibly horrible things. It was a shockingly stressful period.

I admit, I avoid conflict and I let it all drag on too long.

About 6 months ago I told her we needed to divorce. She is a huge drama queen, I think borderline historonic personality disorder and my telling her that was a massive deal. She cried and cried, she begged, she used the kids at times. Pretty quickly she located a lawyer and started divorce proceedings. We haven't yet wrapped up the divorce, I felt we should take our time, heal a little before agreeing on how we split custody of the kids. Regardless, we are close to the end of that process yet she still won't let go. She still wants to know who I spend time with, what I do, and she insists that if I was in a relationship she would be 100 times worse. I shudder to think.

She saw a therapist for a few sessions (I have had a lot of therapy since this began and continue to do so) but she soon stopped. I do think the therapist pursued the wrong course with her, she should have focused on improving her rather than on the problem (me being gay).

She still cries sometimes, I do know it's dragged on but I would think that in two years she would gain some acceptance? I know I made mistakes by not being clearer or moving faster, however I am not rash person, I make very deliberate decisions especially when they are life altering. Yet she refuses to let go, she alternates between being horribly hurtful, spiteful and then friendly and supportive.

I have told her how my wish is that one day we can find our friendship again. It's so important to the kids but she says that won't happen, she'll never get over me and she will always be horrible to me.

This is a small fraction of the story, but I am hoping that someone has some advice, some words of wisdom for how I can learn to disconnect and simply love her from afar but not let her anger and spitefulness drag me down. And secondly, any advice on how I can encourage her to find her own feet, to learn that she can recover and be happy again and how we can be the best of friends one day, if she is willing, and to be awesome parents to our two beautiful and innocent children.

I have never felt so low, so unworthy of love. I have often thought about death, how others would benefit from me passing away, although I am not suicidal. I am optimistic, I know my life can be happy and whole I just am struggling to find the path. I suppose I am mostly just hoping to find some solace here.

Thanks for reading...

 

Thanks, sometimes it's hard to hang on to that, it's easy to think I am a horrible failure as a person because I didn't figure this all out.

She works yes, she has a successful career, it would all be much harder without that!

Sadly, I do not trust any of her family members not to distort everything I say and make things worse

Right now they kids live with her, but part of the divorce is time sharing and that will be 50/50. She is mostly good about not saying negative things to the kids, sometimes she cries in front of them or says some things which I really think she shouldn't but it could be much worse.

 

Thanks, ditto on the brave thing! There are many times I have questioned my choice to come out, I had a very comfortable, safe life before. However, I found myself slipping further and further into sadness and I realized I was letting other people make my choices for me. So despite all the pain now, I know it's the only decision that gives me a future that's survivable.

The kids are young, they barely comprehend that things have changed but even that burden is something I feel terrible about placing on them. Of course, it would all be easier if my wife was nicer. I get she is angry but how long is long enough to put myself through her emotional meat #######?

I am just desperately hoping that this difficult phase passes, it's taken a huge toll on me. I don't want to discourage you, I think it's the best option overall, but if you make the decision to separate then move quickly once you do, it's easier for everyone as much as that itself seems like a betrayal.

I hope I am worthy of love... I try to be. I think I am.

I did indeed love my wife and I still do in many ways and yes, honestly at first it was "yes sex!!" and there was exploration and all those things and I thought, well I guess I'm straight. I mean, Gay guys aren't meant to enjoy sex with women right? I only wish I was that gay then I would never have ended up in this nightmare. Although I did end up with two impossibly beautiful kids so I wouldn't change anything, I must bear this burden and this time as best I can. So like you my sexuality sort of crept up on me, I thought about it at times when I was younger, had huge anxiety about it at various times but I lacked any real experiences to reflect on and help me to understand it. Sex with my wife was fine, good even so I must be straight. I recall the wedding night and having this sick feeling in my stomach that I just did the wrong thing, not that she was a bad girlfriend and wife but that this wasn't the right choice for me.

Over time things became clearer, as you mentioned. It was a relief in many ways to come to accept who I was. Many of the fears I had about myself disappeared and I felt proud of who I was. I also feel a lot of anger towards myself, why the hell didn't I just accept it back then? Why was I so scared? I've been told that you just know when you know, it's pointless to second guess that. I suppose, but it's hard not to be angry and it's hard not to spend a lot of time feeling guilty. My therapist told me that when I find it within myself to stop feeling guilty about what has happened that is when I'll be able to start to move on. I'm not there yet, I so wish I was. Life is so much harder right now so I keep trying to move forward but get dragged down by her anger and despair. If the kids weren't around I would wrap up any legal and logistical issues and move to another state, it's a fantasy I have at times. However, I wouldn't abandon the kids, they are often the only happy thing in all of this.

I just wish I knew how to distance myself, her words and actions still cut me so deep. I am doing this in many ways so she will have a chance of happiness, to find a guy who isn't gay. Of course, she says she was happy so from her perspective things have only gotten worse.

I'm trying to hang in there... I just wish I could see a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I think I do still feel some shame. I notice it in myself at times. Thanks for the book recommendation, I will take a look.

She alternates between sad and angry and being ok. Her anger is often followed by sadness. I have realized over the last couple of days that I need to give her the gift of certainty. Yes I moved out some time ago, we are in the process of divorce and all of that, but she tells me she still has hope. It's a brutal thing to do to somebody, to rip away all sense of hope but at the same time I know I am making things worse for her. It's so hard, I am someone who mediates, I am a diplomat, I like everyone to be happy but none of that works in this situation. I am scared she will say terrible things to the kids, she has said things on occasions, although she is generally good. My kids are my heart and soul, I wish I could have 100% custody, but that won't happen and also they need their mother like they need their father.

I'm just trying to find strength to make it through this. @IrishJ posted in another thread that his greatest fear is not so much for his kids but whether he has the strength to hold it together. That's exactly my fear, how can I cope? My job is demanding, but I need the money, my wife alternates between being sweet and something from a horror movie and sleep is something that is a distant memory. I am making some positive changes soon though. The divorce will be wrapped up in a little while, I am moving to a different place in a few months which will make things simpler, I have started looking for a different job where I might find a little more happiness. Still, it's a brutal and distressing process, I am constantly exhausted.

I just wish I could find a break in it all. From the song... "A break that will make it ok..." A moment to catch my breath. If I suggest a trip away for myself, she says I am selfish, if I go I can almost guarantee there will be some emergency with the kids that I am not there to help with. I feel like I am in a nightmare of my making... how do I wake up?

 

Thank you for your heart felt response. I do try to give her time to find her peace, I've encouraged her to have girls nights out, to have a spa day and all those things. She often isn't interested. She doesn't have close friends, she has a very codependent relationship with her family and spends most of her time with them. She claims her life is all for the kids now, which often feels like a way to just hurt me and make me feel guilty. It's very hard to work with that, I know if she found a few friends that she enjoyed spending time with that it could transform her life, a evening of fun with genuine friends would give her a whole new perspective on life. Instead she plays the victim.

I hate conflict, I just want her to be ok, but I know I can't be responsible for it. I have to love my kids, get the divorce settled and just be as patient and understanding as possible, but give her space. I need to take charge of my life and this situation, get things done and let her heal or not, it's up to her.

I need to change jobs, simplify my life and focus on being a happy healthy person. I can offset any damage she does to the kids in the meantime, hopefully it will be minor, she mostly is good so I think it will be.

This is an awesome community, I wish I had joined sooner.

I do wish I could find some married gay guys like me in my area so we could meet for a beer or a coffee or whatever.

---------- Post added 24th Nov 2015 at 09:39 AM ----------

This!!!

It's exactly me!

---------- Post added 24th Nov 2015 at 09:41 AM ----------

I actually posted a long reply to SiennaFire, there was a message that it had to be approved by a moderator... perhaps it contained a term that matched on a blacklist? I hope it shows up eventually!

 

My kids are much younger, which is good in a way. I think I am just starting to let go and look after myself more. I am also realizing and finally accepting that I need to distance myself more which will be hard on her initially but will help her heal. She has all but said as much to me.

---------- Post added 24th Nov 2015 at 08:18 PM ----------

I've looked for a married/divorced gay group in my area but no luck, but perhaps I should just search for a divorced separated group. It's so helpful to have people to talk to, like on this forum.

I need to wrap my head around the fact that I can't help her, it's up to her. I need to look after myself, simplify my life and find some happiness. She'll either figure it out or she won't.

---------- Post added 24th Nov 2015 at 08:28 PM ----------

I honestly have felt guilty about being more selfish, but I think I am wrapping my head around the truth of that statement. That being more selfish (in a good way) as you say will actually help me and also her. She is practically begging for me to leave her alone and let her heal, but at the same time she always tries to drag me back in. I need to be more rigid with the boundaries, give her more space, tell her no more often and let her find time to heal. It will be harder in a way, but also easier. I think it's the way forward.

I love your list, I have realized recently that I am being dragged too much into her head games. She can deal with emergencies on her own, the same way I will and have when I have the kids on my own. Sure, if we are both needed we can both be there, but most of the time it's okay for her to deal with it if it's on her watch.

I can take a trip myself, I only need to make sure the kids are taken care of, beyond that I can go away guilt free. She can do the same, if she choses not to, that is her choice.

I will look for a gay dad support group, hadn't thought of that angle!

I am out to some of my friends, not all of them. I think I will create a facebook account and start to come out there to my friends who are all over the globe.

I can indeed go to my place, I need to set boundaries more and stick to them. This will help the both of us.

 

Thanks, I suppose I am. I need to find time to wrap up the divorce.

I can't wait until I can feel that way...

She's texting me at the moment telling me I am a horrible person... we were suppose to attend the same Thanksgiving dinner for the sake of the kids but she is so toxic right now I am thinking I would rather not...

 

yeah, I will likely do it my kids will miss me otherwise. We were going to do more, but I think I'll draw the line at just the Thanksgiving celebration.