Did you guys ever believe in a fairytale? I used to believe in a fairytale, the love you can find in your life, a person who is your true partner, you're on an adventure together, no matter how tough things get, it's your faith in each other that carries you through, there's warmth and laughter, and respect and admiration in that partnership. You're silly, romantic. Yes you fight, yes there is hardship, pain, but a foundation that's strong and full and rich and joyful. My grandparents embodied that fairytale. They had something special, unique, rare. I'm not the only one who felt that. Of the many lovely and sweet things that were said about my grandma at her eulogy (she passed about a year ago), was..."it's hard to think about Nat without thinking of Harold...they were partners in life, soulmates, and almost one being as a couple." The most immediate way of translating who they , are to me is Ellie and Carl from Up. They had that kind of love. When they met grandpa chased grandma for a while, usually it wa the other way around, all the ladies loved grandpa, but he wanted Nat. When he won her heart, they had a great time, fell in love. Then he went off to war. Grandpa was hit with shrapnel in his back and crippled in the war. He told grandma to leave him, he could never give her the life she wanted. She refused. They lived the rest of their life deeply in love. Until the day grandpa died he was still whistling at grandma, and patting her on the bum. I've been thinking a lot about the fairytale. I never did think I found it for me, but I thought it was childish to believe in it, so I married this wonderful, loving man, even though my heart really yearned for something a little more. Sometimes I wonder if what's missing is that I belong with a woman. This is what keeps me yearning for this intangible woman in my imagination, I can see her so well and I know how she makes me feel. But then--- this yearning is what draws me to a guy I've been seeing. In his case, it's pieces I get, pieces that I don't get from my husband. He gets me, makes me laugh, encourages me, he encouraged me to come out to him as bi even. Showed me its not a big deal to him and that he understands and supports that kind of authenticity. He's kind and silly. I haven't even tried to envision whether he has the whole package of what I'd want because that's not where I am right now. But it makes me wonder if I could feel the full thing with a man, and then what's missing...why have I not found the fairytale? Is the fairytale even realistic? And then my husband...with the effort he's been putting in, I feel maybe we could get close to that, maybe. Not organically, not naturally, but with work and time. Will it ever be enough? Does it matter if it's not 'the fairytale' but it reaches something close? Am I being a child, naiive and unsatisfied? So this is where my thoughts are right now. Muddy as usual.
Oh I love that story about your grandparents. I don't know if I believe in that fairy tale, but I do believe, for me, that I can only be really happy with a woman. I see myself with a woman by my side for the rest of my life, and finally acknowledged why I've never married. Marrying meant a man. I don't want that. I want a wife. And I'm looking. Acknowledging to myself what I want has made me a lot more open with people around me, and has improved my self-confidence so much. Find what you need for you, and don't settle for good enough. I believe, that for you, what you truly need is a woman. I don't think you'll be happy with anyone else.
I guess to be clear, I've never believed in a soulmate, like two souls that are destined for eachother. what I did believe was the potential of the fairy tale that can be found with more than one specific person. And if you meet one if those matches at the right time... But I decided at some point that the fairytale was childish, that one person couldn't fill your life with so much joy, that you couldn't have that level of faith in a partner, pr such a strong foundation. or at least that the things that my grandparents had were so unusual that I would likely never find it. I think in my heart I believe that I would be more likely to find that full rich life with a woman. But I think there a small window of men who can fill all the right pieces, the right man, there may be a few rare chances to stumble on a guy who can do that ... I wouldn't search for that, if I found myself single again, I'd just date whomever resonated with me, man or woman, but Im more drawn to women, so... I don't think my husband could ever be fully that person for me, but is there a point where it's close enough? I mean, it sounds strange to put it this way, but if I'd come to this understsnding before we married, it would be enough not to marry him. But now that we're married and building strong foundations over time, is it enough to divorce him? I'm happy for you that you figured out what you need for you. Understsnding that is far beyond where I am right now.
That story about your grandparents reminds me of my own. They're going to be celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary soon. They have one of those rare marriages that it seems you don't find anymore. Where they fight a little, but can still sit and have conversations as if it's the first time they're talking to each other. They're really just recounting old memories, but they can sit and talk for hours as if they'd never heard the story before. It always amazes me. My grandma's a little crazy. A young soul with frantic energy that could drive you up a wall, and my grandpa is this quiet, simple man that is so kind and gentle and caring, but has a little temper sometimes. They're perfect for each other, and I remember thinking that I didn't feel like I'd ever have that. That id never be able to find a man like my grandpa, or the relationship they share. I can't see feeling that endless love and complete comfort with a man. As an adult, I chalked this up to not having a father in my life. That I just don't know how to be comfortable with a guy because I've never had a super deep connection with one. But that's untrue in ways. I lived with my grandparents the majority of my life, and now that I've come to realize that I'm into women, I feel like that awkward distance with men could just be me being a lesbian... I'm not completely sure I am one, but I'm very at ease with women. I hate to bring her up, but when I was around my trigger crush, I had those crazy butterflies and wanting to look perfect, and all that stuff that comes with being around someone you like, but something I noticed was that even with the nervousness, there was something that felt so right and calm. Like I could give her my entire self, without question, without feeling distanced or awkward. The entirety of me wanted her. And not just in a sexual way, but a protective, caring one. Like I just wanted her to be happy and laughing and have someone to confide in all the time, and I wanted to be that person. I've never had that with anyone. Not even boyfriends that I felt like I was inlove with. There was always this awkward, dismissive feeling. I mean, I loved them in some capacity, but it wasn't the same as this feeling I had with her -- I think that's why it's so hard for me to let go of her a lot of the time. Maybe that's why trigger crushes are so hard for anyone, though. Because it's the first time they're really feeling that rush of actually liking someone in an all encompassing way. If there's a fairy tale, that feeling I felt with her was it, except in a fairy tale, the other person would feel the same way. I don't know if the fairy tale is real. I think it's romanticized a bit. Everyone's got their issues. Even my and your grandparents who seem so perfect. They come from a time where relationships were more simple, and people didn't analyze their partners so much. I think back then, people went off of feeling more than logic, and that's where the good (and sometimes bad) stuff is. There was no logic with my trigger crush. It was all emotion; something I'd never experienced before. Even if I didn't get to be with her, I really am thankful now that I know what it's like to be crazy about someone and want to see them all the time, and care for them no matter what. I mean, I liked her so much that the horrific and terrifying questioning of me being gay was pushed back so far, because all I cared about was being with her. Be gay with her now, question when the fuck you became gay later. Even though I did endlessly analyze in the midst of her, probably because it was never going anywhere, I was ready to be with her without thought. That's what actually liking someone is to me now. Everyone deserves that. I'm just not sure they actually wait for it to happen. Well, those are my extremely late night thoughts and ranting. Lol, sorry if that was all self serving for me and did nothing for you.
As a bisexual who has a strong sexual attraction to men, i find myself in a somewhat similar situation. I have a big family that i love with a lot of siblings and ive always had a close relationship with my family. Ive always dreamed of having kids and being a great dad, and there is a woman in my life who has a child (not mine but good kid) and aspirations of a family and she loves me and really cares about me no matter how much i fuck up. I care about her but when it comes to sex its a man i want in my bed. Girls are sweet, fun, happy, and i enjoy the company of women more than men up until i get in the bedroom and i have an intense desire for a man. I do enjoy sex with women but not as much. I dont get that intense physical attraction and i dont lose myself in the act and just go wild. I feel like if i get in a hetero relationship with her it will be dishonest because of my homosexual desires ( she doesnt know im bi) and I wont be happy because my sexual needs are not met.
This is certainly helpful insight One thing I am thinking is, I don't know about older folks having simpler relationships. The rules were simpler - stay together, but that sometimes made it more complex. Such as - If you don't love your husbsnd, your spouses mistreats you, you grow apart, you learn you're gay... Life gets fucking complicated when the rules say stay together in those circumstances. But then for folks like our grandparents, who hit the jackpot, found a wonderful match, that rule, stay together, stay strong, keep your faith, it might have served to make them face things eith more optimism, more vigour. About your trigger crush. Aw honey I wish that you could have ended up together. I don't know your background, but I feel for you in that one. As for me...i believe I've felt crazy, deep, real love with men. But I don't think love is enough. There's so much that goes into fitting together that love doesn't do on its own. Some of it is dumb luck, timing, logistics, right place right time, right phase in life, and chemistry that includes platonic and romantic love...plus many more things, values lining up, expectations, etc. And I'm stsrtibg to learn too that there are all kinda of bits and piece's to love itself that have to be there too...I think I'd get all those things more readily with a woman, but I've not ever been with a woman. I have gotten really close to the fairy tale, but never there. I almost wish I'd have believed in it a little longer. I think I would have made different choices. Of course, that maybe would have not brought my daughter to me, and that thought is unbearable to me. ---------- Post added 24th Nov 2015 at 03:06 AM ---------- I hear you Damen, I have slightly different feelings on romance, desire, attraction, etc but I certainly do feel that something has always been missing this far with men. There are a couple guys that I think maybe I could have had all of it with, but the timing was off so ill never know. I'm realising just how fucking complicated being bisexual is. It's muddy. Your heart can feel almost there with someone, and when it's not, itm slee ne wonder, is it gender that's the problem, the missing piece? Or is it just the wrong person? Or is it me, wanting too much? I feel if I were gay or straight at least I'd know more clearly.
I spent a long time not believing in the fairy tale. I won't go into my life story, but it just didn't seem realistic to me. I was married to a good man who supported me, and that was good enough, I was lucky. Until I really started to know myself, and I realized I was gay. Now I totally believe in the fairy tale. But my fairy tale doesn't require perfection, or a "soulmate." It only entails an imperfect life with someone as imperfect as I am, an imperfect relationship with someone I'm willing to fight for. To be honest, I want to find someone who I love as much as my husband loves me. He's been a great example of what true love is supposed to be. I know that frustrates the hell out of him. He's even said, "I see you getting better. Happier. Optimistic. And it hurts that this new life doesn't involve me." But I've made sure I make it clear to him: it DOES involve him. We have two beautiful children together. We are best friends. WE are flipping amazing parents, seriously. I mean, he paints my daughters nails on the reg, dresses up like a princess, and he loves every second of it. And that, too, is part of my fairy tale. Just, romantically, a man won't cut it for me. So there's this whole other piece, this character that has yet to be introduced, who I feel would really bring the story together. That said, I think I could be totally happy being an out, lesbian, single mother focused on parenting and a career. I'd know, at the end of my life, that I lived authentically, allowed my husband the opportunity to find someone who loves him as much as he loves her, and taught my girls to be strong and true to themselves. If I never met Her, I don't think I would be unhappy. I could still have my fairy tale. I just hope to one day have someone to adore and share my life with. If not, there's always Netflix and Chill. But seriously, the fairy tale doesn't have to be perfect. It just has to be your own, and you have to believe in the way you are living.
Mellie - I love your definition of the fairy tale! It's perfect in its imperfection. And the idea that living authentically is also the fairy tale is amazing. I don't believe in happily ever after. I think that too many people conflate that idea with not having to work in the relationship once you've made a commitment. I'm at the point where I'm taking things with each new day and realizing that today is all I have. Today can be my happily ever after if it's what I get. I think the couples described in these posts are probably the ones who saw the work that needed to be done and put the time into it because they understood that was the way to happily ever after. That's the fairy tale I believe in.
I definitely believe in the fairy tale. I definitely believe that there is that "right" person, and when you find them, you know, because it doesn't feel like anything you've had before. That said, "right" doesn't necessarily mean "perfect". I think people don't believe in the fairly tale because nothing can be that perfect and effortless. And they're right. Life is never perfect. Even fairy tales take work. And I also love mellie's "living authentically is the fairy tale"...I think there's a lot of wisdom in that. She has been on a roll on this forum lately! :eusa_clap
I really enjoyed this post; your grandparents' relationship makes me think of most of my family. There have been no divorces for my parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles or cousins on either side (at least not yet). I realize how rare this is. I look at my own parents' marriage, going on 45 years, and it makes me want to strive for the same thing in my own marriage (my husband and I will be married 10 years next April). As far as I know, though, no one in my family has struggled with feelings of bisexuality like I do. So, I think this puts a unique slant on what 'marriage' or 'soul mates' means. Personally, I believe we can have more than one soul mate, and that such people don't always need to be embodied in our romantic relationships. I do like your descriptions of finding 'pieces' of that in your husband; I feel the same way about mine. He is dependable, a 'rock', has common sense that I sometimes lack; he's a good person who respects me. Yet, despite this, I still long for some intangible close, intimate and emotionally fulfilling relationship with a woman. I think the 'fairy tale' aspect to experiencing one grand romance is part of it, to be honest. As down-to-earth as my parents are about their marriage, my mom's parents were always proclaiming their 'soul mate' status, but were also extremely (maybe even unhealthily) dependent on each other. When my grandpa died relatively young, my grandma never recovered from the loss in any way; she repeatedly said she was now just 'half a person'. She didn't even know how to write a check herself, because my grandpa had taken care of money issues, even though they both worked. My grandma never bought her own clothes; he bought what he liked for her. Those are just some examples of what we might commonly think of as a 'fairy tale', although it has a dark side. Should we really expect one person to be 'everything' to us? So, this is a question I struggle with in m own life; I see examples of long-lasting and (seemingly) healthy marriages in my own family; I consider the example of my parents; I want the same for my own life. But I also want to have a close-knit circle of a few good friends, in addition to my husband. My parents are loners and live out in the country, which compounds the loneliness. They do well with it. I'm an introvert, too, but I do need people around me now and then. So, I now look at the 'fairy tale' and see how close it could get to emotional dependency.
Honestly, if I believe in a fairy tale, it's one of mutual connection through the courage to be consistently vulnerable. That's how the will to trust and mutual emotional investment ultimately manifests, I think, and you sure won't get far without any of those.
As you stated yourself, you have had the example of a loving, committed and long-term relationship, so it isn't a fairy tale. Someone actually bothered to ask elderly people what the ingredients were for success in such relationships, and it was compiled into a book entitled "30 Lessons for Loving". Some of the great stuff from this book is summarized here. Such as: 1) Stop worrying so much 2) DO sweat the small stuff, it's the small stuff that you will remember! 3) DON'T sacrifice your relationship for your children 4) Be with someone who shares your core values, this is not obvious and should be preceded by you deciding what your own deeply held values are 5) Communicate early and often 6) Treat marriage like a discipline, with firm boundaries 7) Take time to craft the story of your life, reminisce, tell stories...it's the one who has no memories who finds his or her life to have been short
Deep Deep Deep Deep Netflix and chill Deep :lol::lol::lol::lol: ---------- Post added 24th Nov 2015 at 12:25 PM ---------- I like this this makes sense. The fairy tale should be the ability to just be. Just exist with all of your flaws and great qualities, and still love the other person through it all.
