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Awful Day. Awful Night.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by mellie, Nov 24, 2015.

  1. mellie

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    The ever-optimistic Mel is having a bad. Effing. Night.

    My daughter came from school with a Thanksgiving project she did. A huge piece of paper that said, "I am thankful for..." and she wrote, "My family!" with an adorable drawing of the four of us and the dog and a huge heart between me and Baby Daddy. Heart sank.

    Baby Daddy and I got into a heated discussion about his future plans, which may or may not require him to move out-of-state. How can he even consider this? It would be for his career, and I get that, but that would be so difficult for my kids. Because of said discussion, he has been snapping at me the entire night.

    My mom told me that she told my grandmother that I'm gay. Thanks, ma. Grandma's response to my mom? "Oh no, how did this happen?" Well Grams, I just woke up one day and decided to turn my entire family's life upside down for fun. I thought it'd be really fun to struggle in every imaginable way, to be completely uncomfortable, and to just f*** with everyone. Having a good time yet?

    I've spent a lot of time on here the past few days because I've been feeling really, really alone. I have support from family and friends but nobody really understands the turmoil. And it seems that after this no good, very bad day, I've reflected on my time spent on here and it's caused me to feel even more alone. Like this small group of people who actually do understand all exist in cyberspace, scattered across the entire world. Is the Later-in-Life LGBT community really that tiny? That I have to post on a forum to people in places that, in some cases, I've never even heard of, just to relate? I mean I love you all, but wtf, man? Are we all really THAT alone?

    I need to get a freaking grip. I can't focus on anything. My head is in a million different places. My poor kids, I sat them in front of the TV all afternoon because I just couldn't deal. Everything seemed so clear, and tonight it's all scattered.

    I think the "coming out high" might be fading, y'all.
     
  2. middleGay

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    First of all take a deep breath and give yourself a break. Nothing wrong with the kids watching some TV while you get yourself together. I'm a dad and I know what it's like, if I'm struggling I put the TV on, hand out ipads and whatever it takes. We are imperfect beings and that is okay! I often think my kids will thrive in spite of everything I do not because of! lol

    Secondly, there are others out there for sure, but at the least you have this forum! Have you looked around for support groups. What about through a therapist? Many of them run group sessions, often with a focus such as gay or lesbian support. Even if they aren't in the exact same situation they can still offer a lot of support. How about just a friend? We need a variety of relationships in our lives maybe try to find as many as you can?
     
  3. Chicagoblue

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    Thinking about you. I feel very alone too, especially with everyone around this week for the holidays. Ugh.
     
  4. middleGay

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    It's funny, I often find myself wishing for more alone time. Some sweet silence and peace. A vacation in a nice quiet cabin by the beach, some good books to read, the occasional movie to take me away. Maybe stop by the store and grab a meal out on occasions just to talk to a few people and then back to my solitude. Although I should be careful what I wish for...
     
  5. Really

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    Are these people anywhere near you? Do you know about them already? It looks like it could be a relaxed bunch.
    Women's Initiative Events
    I'm sorry you're having a bad time. You've worked so hard and are doing a great job of navigating your life. Don't let a handful of crummy situations, which unfortunately happened on the same day, defeat you. You will handle them each with grace and class as you've done everything else up to now.
     
  6. driedroses

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    Mel, I'm so sorry - it all seems to crash at the same time, doesn't it?

    It's okay to give in to the crash and take some time to clear you head. It might also help to figure out what you can and can't control. Grandma's reaction is one of those can't control things.

    These changes take time, and they take a toll on us. The best advice I've received, and it is much easier said than done - be gentle with yourself. (*hug*)
     
  7. LBSmitty

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    What you are going through is what I am scared of. I know that the shit will hit the fan the when I finally come out. I admire you for being so strong. you are a great mom, and putting your kids in front of the TV now and then does not change that! HUGS
     
  8. CapColors

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    Hiya Mellie darling. You've given me a lot of hope and good humor over the past few days. I have to run to be rn but I'll be sending as much as I can back your way tonight. Hang in there! A bad day doesn't mean a bad trend.

    Hugs!!!
     
  9. yeehaw

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    Aww. I'm so sorry you had an awful day and and awful night. This business with figuring out later in life that you are gay is ( I think especially when spouses and kiddos are involved) just plain ROUGH sometimes. I'm sorry you're in one of those rough spots now. I usually just do my best to let the rough be what it is until it's done being so rough. It seems to be part of the gig. Deep breaths and lots of support headed your way.
     
  10. YeahpIdk

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    Oh, Mellie. You don't have to be so optimistic all the time - sometimes things suck. There are some things in life we can't control, like being queer...or our husbands moving to a different state. I hope he's not saying these things to be spiteful towards you out of anger, but anger makes people do pretty dumb things. If he did move, it would suck for your kids, but that's his decision and something he'd have to live with if he chose to do. It would limit him from them, and potentially wind up biting him in the ass. But everyone has to do what they have to do. He shouldn't be angry at you for it. I would ignore it for now, as your lives, even having had children together, are going in different directions.

    As for the loneliness and being on here. I totally get that. I've been on here a lot recently as well because I've been sick and having some headache issues. So I've been laying in bed a lot, and coming on here. This is a great place for anonymous comfort in dealing with this big bag we're carrying around suddenly... the big gay bag. It's exciting and never really been there before, and we're beginning to realize how many cool little gifts are inside this big bag so we want to talk to people about it, but it is kind of heavy and strange looking - and not many people have ever seen it before, so they can't appreciate how interesting it is or help us with it (ugh, I talk in metaphor way too much). So we want to talk about it all the time! And talk to people who are gay and comfortable with it and understand the struggles and triumphs we're going through. Does it suck that we're not all doing this over coffee and able to look each other in the eyes?? Yeah, of course. It's distant. It's like having an online relationship with someone and never talking to them on the phone or seeing them in public. It's limiting, and something's missing. I saw your thread about going to that meet up. Keep going to those! Find a community for yourself. You've always got us for your really deep stuff that you might want to save for when you know somebody better, but you do need people you can talk to about it in real time. I hope you have that. And if not, I hope you find it soon. I wish I had you on the social networking site that starts with an F (not sure I can say it here), because there are groups for females on there, but a lot of them are invite only. However, you should look around and see if you can get into a group somehow. If we could all get together, our little group we've all been writing in for the past few nights/weeks would totally be L Word cast worthy.

    So you had a bad day. It'll pass. And all highs must come down at some point. You keep your sense of humor through it all the time. I mean, even though your post was serious and you're upset, there were parts of it cracking me up, because you know how to find the hilarity in a lot of heavy crap -- that's such an amazing quality!! That's what will bring you through hard times. That part where your Ma let the cat out of the bad with your granny, and granny thinks you had some traumatic event happen to you, like you walked through a strange laser and now you're gay made me laugh out loud.

    Just remember that today's a bad day. That's all. Just a bad day.(*hug*)
     
  11. Distant Echo

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    (&&&)(&&&)

    First up. Kids are strong. They really are. She will be fine no matter what. She will have you, even if baby daddy moves interstate. She will still be fine.

    Grandma? Meh! If she doesn't know how things work by now....I might add I'm a grandma lol :wink:

    You are not alone.
     
  12. spirals

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    I hear you on the loneliness. It's so hard. Sometimes I think back to the pre-Internet days and wonder how anyone managed. i just want to meet someone in real life, who can hug and speak actual words. I'm staying optimistic that it can happen. I know one couple who are friends of friends, where one half left her husband to be with the other woman. Unfortunately they live quite far away and they see me as married and hetero so not very helpful.

    Your mum had no right to out you like that. I suspect my own mother's response would echo your grandma (mum is 77). Remember that in the 50s when they were young, women were totally ostracized just for being divorced, it was a different world. My mother calls gay men poofters and thinks it's a choice.

    Why can't we all just meet the woman (or man) of our dreams, get legally married and live happily ever after? I wish it for everyone on this forum.
     
  13. baristajedi

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    (*hug*)(&&&) Aw Mellie, so many hugs to you.

    Stay strong, you have an amazing sense of strength and a very good foundation of respect and unity with your "baby daddy" :slight_smile:. You will get through this. Your daughter is thankful for her family, and her family will always be her family, no matter where each family member lives. You're doing such a great job with all of this. Get some wine and ice cream and just breathe. This is such a hard ride. But you will get through it.
     
  14. silverhalo

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    Hey I am sure your day and night is probably nearly over by now or at least you are asleep but I thought I would post anyway.

    The world can be a lonely place and the worst kind of loneliness is when you are surrounded by people but still alone.
    A place like EC is always going to be different to the real world in terms of support, people are either here because they are struggling, needing advice and coming to terms with things or because they want to help other and give back. Whereas in the real world they are just there because they are there. It is great that you say you have some support even if it isn't from people who can 100% understand what you are going through.
    I truly believe that we are not all that alone but the problem is on here people share their inner troubles because that's what we do here but that's why we do it here because we cant do it in the real world so you could be walking past people in the street, sitting next to them on the bus, working with them who knows and they could be going through or have been through the exact same thing but how would we ever know.

    As others have said its ok not to be positive all of the time, dealing with sexuality can be so so tough. I know when I was dealing with it in myself it was one of the toughest times, with the greatest highs and the lowest lows and my situation was not as tough as yours.
    You have to just hang in there through the tough times because it will get better and the highs will be worth it. Its ok to be sad and cry we are always here for you and that's not as good as us being there in real life we know but we are still here.

    The lower the lows the better the highs.
     
  15. mellie

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    Thank you. You're right, I tend to be extremely hard on myself when it comes to my kiddos. I made up for it today by playing with them all day. It helped keep my mind off things too.

    I do go to a support group, and that's been helpful, but they only meet once a month and it's made up of couples. Not that there's anything wrong with that, it's just hard to relate. I do see a couple of therapists (individual and marital), and it helps, but to be honest I don't really live in a gay-friendly community (I actually live about 2 hours from Raleigh, in a tiny town, with a bunch of tiny towns surrounding it). My friends have been amazing, they continue to support me, but they all have lives of their own at this point.

    I am starting grad school in January, it'll be a bit of a commute for me but they do have a LGBT Resource Center. I am hoping for the best!

    Thank you for the encouragement. (*hug*)

    ---------- Post added 25th Nov 2015 at 05:26 PM ----------

    After you posted this, I really reflected on the fact that it's the holiday season, and I get depressed during this time as is. I don't live close to family, so that makes it especially difficult. Hugs to you. We'll get through this. (*hug*)

    ---------- Post added 25th Nov 2015 at 05:31 PM ----------

    I'm actually about 2 hours from Raleigh. It's just the closest big city. But I am thinking of maybe making a day-trip there sometime, they have quite a few resources. I just "Liked" this group, so thank you. Maybe I'll check it out sometime.

    Thank you, today was a bit better. (&&&)

    ---------- Post added 25th Nov 2015 at 05:33 PM ----------

    My therapist gave me a piece of paper (which is now on my refrigerator) that says, "I am gentle with myself as I cultivate new thoughts and watch my life change and grow." I reference it often. (*hug*)

    ---------- Post added 25th Nov 2015 at 05:34 PM ----------

    (*hug*)

    ---------- Post added 25th Nov 2015 at 05:35 PM ----------

    Hey Cap (*hug*) Thank you! You guys have also given me quite a few smiles and laughs over the past week :grin: I'm just in my head too much lately!

    ---------- Post added 25th Nov 2015 at 05:43 PM ----------

    What frustrates me the most is that some people think being queer IS a choice. Even if they say they don't. I get a lot of, "Well, are you SURE? Maybe you're bi. What about the kids?" Even my husband, as supportive as he is, is always saying (in the midst of deep conversations), "I hope you're right. Because you can't undo this."

    It really makes me feel as if I'm not being taken seriously. I sometimes feel like people think I'm just playing a big joke. Or going through a crisis. Or a "phase." They haven't sat through years and years of therapy with me. They weren't there when I fell in love with a girl at 15 years old, and turned into a complete homophobe when she suggested we take it to the next level. They weren't there when I fell in love with a woman at 28 years old, two kids and a husband in tow. They haven't experienced almost two decades of sorrow and shame. It's just. So. Frustrating.

    A sense of humor is really all that carries me through. However inappropriate it may seem at times :wink: (*hug*)

    ---------- Post added 25th Nov 2015 at 05:46 PM ----------

    Grandma also has a gay step-grandson :roflmao: She's just loving life right now!

    She did end the conversation with my mom with, "You know she's still the same Mel, right?" So I suppose that's a good thing.

    I'm hoping my kids get through this. They say if your kids aren't in therapy by the time they are 25, you did something wrong, right? :lol: I guess the most important thing is for me to just love them, and respect their dad.

    ---------- Post added 25th Nov 2015 at 05:47 PM ----------

    So, so, so many hugs to you too. (&&&) This sucks, huh? But it's going to be worth it, right? RIGHT?!
     
  16. Julietta

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    Sorry you're struggling Mellie that's quite a few difficult things all in one go to cope with. I guess the 'coming out high' might indeed be wearing off but at the same time you had a little clusterfuck of horrible things to deal with. That would destabilise anyone.

    Also re your question, it does seem that way doesn't it? I suppose this reinforces to me that if we get the opportunity to meet up with others similar to ourselves in Real Life (eek) we really have to make the effort. I know you have already made the effort and met with some supportive people so really well done for doing that and just remember this process you're in will be slow and tedious at times as well as exciting and rewarding at others. We have to learn how to cope with the low troughs whilst we forge a new way of life and lawd knows life is tough enough at the best of times even without such a struggle.

    you can do it, it's just a wobble

    (&&&)