Well, it's happened, as reliably as my Christmas cacti blooming about this time of year: a feeling of deep, lonely isolation has hit. As has despair. And the usual question: will I make it to January in one piece? A question that is especially unnerving this year in light of all the practical problems I'm having with finances, which (as recently recounted) nearly pushed me to the point of ending it all. I've had bad moments recently, as there were brief reminders of the holiday season, but was able to somehow get past those reminders. But I'm not so sure I'll get past the current feeling of lonely, isolated despair, which hit last night. I went to a regular Top Secret Event. There was the usual chit-chat time after the event. At least for the people who appear to this event and have connections with others. For me...well, I had 3 brief conversations. Then, 2 of 3 people left. The remaining person found someone more interesting to talk to. (Which I guess is just about anyone. :tears This last person, another guy, and the event organizer chatted a while. The organizer said something about some interesting holiday party he'd be going to. And then told the other 2 guys that he could probably arrange for them to go, too, because they were his friends. Must be nice having friends... Not that I'd know. Not that I feel like I'll ever know. I've attended events like this, joined various small groups (from church to library book groups), etc for over 2 years, and still have zero friends. It must be nice having something to look forward to during the holiday season other than this horrible, black, lonely isolated feeling.
(*hug*) The holidays are always the hardest. Don't even worry about January, worry about tomorrow first then next week. And once you've got those under control, then worry about December. Trying to tackle the future too far in advance can end up being paralyzing emotionally. Find something you enjoy doing, a hobby (for me that's painting figurines) and join a group that does it regularly. Finding people with interests that are common is the best way to make new friends. It opens up many chances to spark conversations with others. Granted, those people might not be LGBT, but friends are good no matter who they are. All I can do is offer hugs to get you through this hard time of year! (*hug*)
Is there anywhere that holds regular free events, not necessarily LGBT but something you really like like art or music? Just becoming a "regular" somewhere will naturally put you in the position to become friendly with the other regulars. Make up your mind your just going for the show, not the people. And keep going. You're not near Bellingham, are you? They are the friendliest people I've ever come across. Creepily friendly, if you ask me. Haha. They wave at you from their cars! All of them! It's also kind of artsy from what I remember so surely have lots to go to. Oh, and the university! They must put on shows. Western has a great music program. I know the guitar program puts on recitals. My personal favourite. When I went, they were very laid back and had an array of audience members. Maybe if the holidays are hard for you, you could volunteer somewhere so you could be around others and not be in your head. Helping others is supposed to make you feel good. Better than others being nice to you evidently. Let us know what you've got planned.
Oh yep Xmas. And New Year. This time of year as if deliberately designed to mock anyone who hasn't got a house full of happy laughing extended family members and a few children to indulge. The time of year the hardest to cope with for anyone who suffers depression. Depression that sneaky fucker in the mind that will tell you no matter how hard things are they are even worse than that. Depression that will tell you this will never end, this can never be cured, you will always be alone, you have failed at life = IT ISN'T TRUE please believe me. Feeling alone, lonely, isolated, unliked, plus the above xmas fuckery & depression are no strangers to me at all. Like yourself I have spent many years wondering will I be alive in January or will it sink me this year? Will I severely harm myself, will I lose the plot, will I end my life? So far still here. This year I'm not as low as previous years so here you go the living proof it doesn't ALWAYS stay the same. But the mood not helped by here in the UK it is cold, dark, raining, miserable. I dunno where you live so maybe it's the same? Keep going to your Secret Group. It is only through long term persistence that relationships can be built. Depression closes down creative thinking and problem solving in my experience. If you feel those people shunned you, you don't have to have a full tilt drama or rage about it but you could maybe tell them you're feeling a little 'left out' or out of things and worry you're not liked? That would be a brave and courageous thing to do but also a solution. Another solution would be to think of new ways of making some new friends. For me this is difficult because I don't have the energy due to physical illness. But perhaps you could joint another type of group too? Or do some voluntary work like helping out an elderly person or walking a dog? I mean little things. I'm sure you're not an unlikeable person, maybe just sensitive and a little shy? Are there any community colleges or such where you can do free or low cost courses? Some will start in January and maybe give you something to look forward to. There's things like drama / dancing / music / singing / arts / photography / where other sensitive people go and in the absence of making friends you will at least have some people around you and gain some skills and confidence? These are only suggestions but I'm making them because I know well enough my brain stops making suggestions for me when I'm depressed. (*hug*)
Thanks, everyone! Actually, I'm trying to keep my sights very low...like just survive today! The Top Secret Events are hobby/art based. Regularly recurring, which had given me once the vain hope I'd meet someone I might click with. And, yes, the main reason for going is the event itself. No, I'm south of Seattle, even. How true. We've got a similar climate here. I try to tell myself at least I don't have to shovel rain! But the long, cold, rainy spells can be hard. I anticipate continuing to do so. I actually toyed with that idea earlier. We'll see. My one worry: I don't want to generate invitations because of sympathy. I'd rather have something because someone actually wants to see me. Yes, but not free/low cost. Although if my cash flow improves... Again, how true!
Sooooo... one of my best friends was a person that I invited to hang out because of sympathy. She looked so lonely, and she was so absolutely awkward. It was almost painful to watch her being alone so often. I invited her to chill with us one day, and she took us up on the offer. It took about 6 months, but she became a central part to that group of friends. Now that I've moved away we still keep in touch and she's the only one that regularly communicates with me from that time in my life. I wouldn't give up her friendship for the world. Sometimes great friendships take a long time to establish themselves. Don't give up on it!
Well I'm glad you've got a few ideas to run through your mind. It's when the mind starts turning in on itself life becomes dangerous. I know what you mean about not asking for an invitation - I would also much prefer to be included in invites as it's unclear what reason someone wouldn't, do they assume you wouldn't want to go, that you're already busy, or worst case scenario the paranoia they secretly dislike you. I guess it's something I also need to work on too as I also shy away from self-including or asking 'can I come?'. Maybe there's a middle ground where you could just pass a comment like 'oh where are you going?' or 'that sounds like fun' and see if it leads a bit? We just have to keep trying to learn and be brave and remember rejection isn't the end of the world even if it does happen. But meantime, yes just get through the dark mood, the dark days, by whatever means necessary. If I can do it, you can do it. Honestly.
Last night, I went to a Thanksgiving church service at a church where I've attended occasionally in the past around Easter and Christmas and as the spirit moves me the rest of the time. (Which hasn't been too often the last year.) Nice service, but I made the mistake of staying for social hour...which sort of poured gasoline the fire of my feelings of lonely isolation. A few "coffee hour" type chats, but that was all. Deep down, there is the realization that likely none of the people whom I talked to would be in the least bit interested in more than a fast chat like that. And...making matters worse, they had a table full of deserts, at least some of which were homemade. (Unless, of course, Marie Callendar apple pies are now coming in vintage CorningWare pie plates...) I avoided them, because I figure with depression as bad as mine, I don't need any sugar. (Sugar gets mentioned in some health-minded circles as not being a good thing for depression.) But...it generated another sort of depression seeing that table, and saying firmly "No." to myself and others who asked me if I was getting anything. I'd been planning on going back to that church for some suppers they will be having. I now have mixed feelings. Those suppers would be really helpful in taking care of one meal--the EBT dollars I get are seriously limited in this era of high grocery prices--but can I afford that crushing lonely feeling each week?
Often the superficial, small talk kind of conversations make me feel more lonely and isolated than when I am alone. Some people thrive on those interactions. But you and I do not, and that's really fine. I can hear how much you were needing to make a deeper connection with someone and I'm sorry you didn't. I have sometimes come away from those kind of events in tears. Now I try to have s proper conversation with just one person. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Please don't give up, there may be another guy there feeling lonely and sad who is longing for someone just like you to talk to. And if not, at least you get a good meal out of it.
I think you should go for the suppers - if not least for the food! You never know, you might get chatting to someone who you can get to know a bit better over time or someone new and unexpected might turn up. I'm a very avoidant person myself but the fact is nobody ever met anyone or got to know a new friend while staying indoors alone Also if you like more meaningful connection, are there any actual mental health support drop ins you can go to where people talk about their thoughts and feelings? Or something like a writing or poetry group where people are expressing and connecting on a more profound level. just remember things take time to build up
Yes, go to those church suppers. They're usually delicious, and one day you might make a friend. If you help serve a Christmas meal at a shelter or go shop for a gift for a poor child, it will probably lift your spirits. Do you like pets? Volunteering in a pet shelter will get you in touch with caring people as well as loving and loveable animals.
