ex-marrieds... what was the last straw?

For me it was my sexuality and codependence that did it. I felt like I lived in her shadow constantly. I used to take a sick day and go to the movies and not tell her just so I had some time to myself and could make my own choices. I would order the movies on streaming that she never wanted to pay for when she was away on business as a little bit of rebellion. I sometimes wonder if we could have worked through that stuff but my sexuality on it's own was really enough. I was miserable and getting worse... There was only one way to address it.

 

My story is an odd one.
After a brief dalliance in the gay world before I was married, I settled into a quiet suburban life. I was relatively content being emotionally numb. I did a bit of running to take my mind off things.
When I was in my 40's my wife started to study a form of alternative health. As part of her studies she was told to take up a marshal art. So I was dragged along to the classes. After a few months she gave up the marshal art. I continued even though it was a full contact version and I have always been a pacifist. I even went to Japan and became a black belt. I got to a level where I had to be in contact with my emotions in order to improve (it was high level black belt stuff). My training fell apart and I took a brake from the sport.
About two months later I started to phone a local LGBT support line and admit to my self that I was gay. Then one night I just broke down crying and told my wife.
By the way I never went back to the marshal art, but I started to concentrate on my running.
I'm now out to nearly every one, I'm running at very competitive level and I'm really happy with myself.
When I came out to my wife we did a lot of talking and decided that we have a good relationship, so we are still together!

 

My sexuality was part of it, but I don't know if it was the driving force, per se. There were a lot of things going on.

I fell hopelessly in love with a woman, but if I had fallen in love with another man, I think the result would have been the same, as my marriage was unhealthy and I needed to free myself from it, gay or no gay. There were abuse and control issues that for various reasons, I was in denial about for a long time. I had to face them.

The sexuality thing just heightened everything for me and strangely made things worse...there was more shame and guilt involved than I think there would have been if my new love had been male. I had repressed my sexuality so successfully that when it came up, it surprised me. I had a lot of confusion for a while.

So I don't know if there was one last straw for me...it was more of a confluence of several factors. A bunch of things came together and all pointed me in the same direction, I guess.

 

it wasnt my sexuality or my gender that got me out. i didnt come out to myself about orientation till almost a year later and gender later than that. for me it was the constant abuse and the 3rd round of self harm on her part that my son got a front row seat to, i managed to shield him from the first two. but i couldnt take the chance of him being left there with a body or her in a coma from an overdose, that was the 3rd, the first 2 times being cutting and slashing her wrists.

 

I was unhappy for a long time, and I knew that my husband couldn't make me happy despite his best efforts, but I wasn't exactly sure why. That's why I kept trying. For most of my marriage, I identified as bisexual. My husband knew this when he married me, as I had brief dalliances with females in my teen years, and fantasies that persisted. It wasn't until I fell in love with my trigger crush that I really, REALLY started questioning my sexuality.

But even then, it took me separating myself completely from her to figure out that I didn't want to be in the marriage anymore and that I was gay. I had to remove her from my life to be sure it wasn't just HER. So I guess there was never an AHA moment, but the entire past year has been an AHA year. I continued therapy, and just decided that something needed to change. I remember thinking, well, people make sacrifices all of the time -- they sacrifice a job they love for one that makes them more money, or they sacrifice living near family to make a better living for themselves, etc. Maybe I just had to sacrifice a life with a woman to keep my family together. But what really made me wake up and see that I couldn't do that anymore was thinking, well, is that fair to my husband? That I play pretend and he never gets to be with someone who loves him as intensely as he loves me? I mean, the spouse gets a choice too. And I also know myself enough to know that if we kept on keepin' on, I would have just cheated on him again and again, and I did NOT want to be that person.

Had he been okay with my being gay and just continuing for the kids, or had he been okay with an open marriage, however, I still would have decided to leave the marriage, because I also realized that I could not go on with the sadness and emptiness I'd felt for the past decade in the relationship. And a few months before I came out, my daughter asked me, "Mommy, why is your heart sad?" So that kind of did it for me too.

In short, a lot of things

 

I figured out fairly quickly that although I felt a lot of strong emotions for my ex-wife, they weren't enough to stop me from thinking about guys. That alone didn't really matter, because I was truly committed to our marriage, and I was very attached to the idea of a "normal" family, kids, suburban house etc. I wanted to be the patriarch of a large family and watch my kids and grandkids grow up and marry.

Unfortunately, I also figured out very quickly that not only did she have some emotional quirks that I didn't know how to deal with, our personalities also meshed and clashed in ways that weren't very healthy. I am very much (too much, actually) a nurturer and a problem solver, and she is very needy and fancies herself victimized at all turns. So I wore myself out trying to make her happy, and she in turn kept finding new things to be miserable about, because she wasn't being victimized by her drunk father, emotionally abusive mother or physically abusive ex, and she thrives on pity.

By the time we were half way through our 20-year marriage, we were both unhappy, but didn't really know any other way to be so we just kept on going. Finally, about 4 years ago, several things all happened at once that started me coming out. First, I met a very physically friendly straight guy who paid much more attention to me than any guy ever really did, and his constant touchy-feely behavior made me feel things that I'd buried for years. I was also the primary caretaker for my long-handicapped father, and he died, leaving me with a lot more emotional bandwidth, since I wasn't always focused on him. And I turned 50, and went in for a checkup after many years and discovered I needed minor surgery to correct a life-threatening problem, and also found another issue that was easily corrected and made me feel physically better than I had in years.

So the whole series of events came crashing together, and I realized first that I couldn't stay together with her, because our marriage was the source of such unhappiness, and second that once we split, I needed to be honest and come out so I could live as who I really was. The sequence of events didn't quite go as planned - I decided to tell her before we split, and then before we even divorced I met someone and fell in love, so to many people it appears more that I cheated on her and decided I was gay, which wasn't the case at all. But whatever the case, it's done, and although I'm still adjusting, I'm definitely happier.

 

My sexuality wasn't a primary factor in the breakup of my marriage, although it didn't make it any easier, either.

I had a classic last straw moment when we had a tremendously terrible argument while driving home after spending a holiday weekend apart with our respective families. What was a small difference of opinion about something fairly trivial quickly escalated into a yelling, screaming, crying fight. I tried to disengage and go to sleep while my ex drove, but she got even more upset, and almost drove into oncoming traffic! At that point, I had one of those NO MORE moments. This was one fight too many. "I can't live like this! And I certainly can't bring a child into a relationship like this", I thought to myself. At the time, my ex-wife was two months pregnant.

We had always had difficulty communicating, and we fought a lot. It seemed we had an amazing ability to turn any trivial difference of opinion (or sometimes even agreement!?!) into a full blown argument. It was a very bad pattern. We tried counseling, I'd gotten treatment for depression, she'd even admitted she had an anxiety problem, and started to getting some treatment. Although things improved somewhat, we were still having difficulties.

And then she started pressuring me to have kids with her. Although I wanted kids, I was pretty sure we weren't ready for that yet. But in a period of relative calm in the relationship, I caved to her pressure and got her pregnant. But as soon as the pregnancy hormones kicked in (and she stopped taking anxiety meds) the fighting and disagreements flared up again, and this time even worse.

So, after that ONE FIGHT TOO MANY, I left. I knew I couldn't raise a child in a toxic marriage, but I hoped that we could co-parent acceptably if we didn't live together. However, unfortunately (or fortunately?!?) she had a miscarriage. So we could just walk away.

So, yeah. The problem was that we communicated poorly and had a very unhealthy dynamic, not my sexuality.

 

Not ex-married, but just out of a long term relationship. My questioning my sexuality was not the main factor, but it was a contributing factor, and, I realised after the event, more of a contributing factor than I'd initially thought. My main reasons for ending it were that I was increasingly sure that we wanted different things out of the future, and that I was feeling a bit claustrophobic, and felt like I needed some time and space to myself to figure myself out (of which sexuality was a part). I hadn't been entirely happy for a while, but it took a few months of seeing a therapist for me to admit that the relationship needed to end (she realised it a long time before I did).

Once I had finally made that decision, there was then a final straw event that really pushed it over the edge (I was having some people round to quote for some work on the house, and when I came home from work to be there when they came, my ex told me that they'd been and gone, and for some reason, he hadn't thought to call me and tell me this, despite a conversation a couple of days earlier when I'd said if anyone turns up you're not expecting, please call me) and gave me a reason to say 'we need to talk'.

It wasn't until we met up for a long chat afterwards, to talk some stuff through and he said 'you need to decide if this journey of self discovery is something you need to do on your own or if it's something we can work through together' that I realised that the fact that I was questioning my sexuality played a larger part than I thought, as it was the main reason why we couldn't work through this together - I needed to be on my own to explore this part of myself.

So definitely not the main reason (in hindsight, there were so many things wrong in that relationship), but it definitely played a part, and the fact that I had an overwhelming desire to explore this side of myself maybe was something that caused me to end it when I did, rather than just letting it carry on.

 

I find it inspiring to read all of these posts. It's clear that all of you had to extract yourselves from a very complicated and messy situation to get to where you are... but you did it and seem to feel better for it.

It's so easy to sacrifice our physical and emotional wellbeing in these situations, but to what end? What does it achieve? Certainly not more happiness... for anyone. If anything the misery, anxiety and utter despair seems to increase the longer you maintain the status quo.

 

It was really interesting to me to read this thread. Like others who posted here there were a lot of things going on that all seemed to lead to not being married any more. There were some pretty big problems in my marriage before I figured out I was gay. Early in my marriage my husband did some things that I found unacceptable and I told him without flinching that I absolutely wouldn't stay married to someone who treated me like that--I absolutely meant it at the time. He reigned it in pretty well for a long time. Then years later when I wasn't nearly as open to leaving the marriage (because we had kids) he started at it again. The bad stuff creeped in slowly, and as he could sense I wasn't going to leave it just got worse and worse. For a while (before I figured out I was gay) I dragged him to couples therapy, but it was so hard to get him there, and when we were there he *really* didn't like it if I talked about anything real. Eventually the backlash from me talking in couples therapy was bad enough that I quit trying to get him to go and just focused on getting myself as healthy as I could be in individual counseling. At this time I really didn't think of divorce as an option at all (mostly because of the children), and found myself fairly unwilling to tell anyone (even my therapist) the worst of the stuff that was happening. I didn't want friends to know because I wanted them to still be willing to hang out with him, and when I would kind of try to talk about it a little in therapy I never managed to get the bad stuff out, and honestly was worried the therapist would tell me to leave and I wouldn't be willing to do that so why talk. Eventually in therapy I landed in a place where I finally, for the first time in my life saw my sexual orientation. It felt like it fell from the sky and crashed into me, overwhelming me. Coming to understand that I was gay also lead to me pretty strongly believing that the chances of us ever ending up with a healthy relationship were nearly nonexistent and the option of leaving started feeling more real, and as it started feeling more real I started talking more about the bad stuff in our marriage which allowed me to really see how bad things had become. Around this time my husband's behavior took a turn for the much much worse. He did some things that were complete and total deal breakers for me. Very bad things. And then he quite literally kicked me out of the house (with the children). Once I was out of there with my kiddos I knew I was never ever going back. A year later he is still trying to get me to come back, but I won't ever do it. Sorry that got so long!

 

Wow, yeehaw...your post really resonates with me. A lot of what you describe is SO similar to what I went through, especially the not wanting to tell people part. My marriage was so unhealthy, and I just couldn't (or wouldn't) see it for the longest time. It took meeting my gf and the whirlwind of my sexuality for me finally see that I needed to face things. It was a rude awakening, because I didn't want to admit how bad my relationship with him was, but it had to happen. Sometimes I kick myself for waiting as long as I did, but then I tell myself that at least it's done now, and things happen on their own timelines.

I also tried the couples therapy thing...it doesn't work with abusers. Individual therapy is the way to go.

Thank you for your story, and I'm glad you got out!

 

To all the ex-marrieds out there. I need some help. I have always wondered about my orientation and gender. I am a man by birth but have always loved girly things. I have dressed in my mother's clothes all my life and now my wife's when I can get a free moment. I grew up in the South of USA and was always told these are not good thoughts and feelings. I now know that is complete crap. I have a wife who is really my best friend but not really understanding of the gender confusion, but realizes that gay is ok. I have a wonderful 3 year old girl who is the light of my life. I do not want to live apart from her. I want to raise her daily. I feel terrible I am going through the motions with my wife. How do I tell her about this part of me and not lose my daughter? Thanks to all who reply. Love Love.

 

Sexuality was a big part of it for me although in retrospect it's easier to see some of the issues we had. I was so frequently anxious and was often depressed. However, I usually placed this on some other sad things in my life or the work I was doing. once I was able to see how much of this was due to me hiding my sexuality I knew that I couldn't remain married to her, that for all the good parts of our relationship, that it was part of what was driving my depression.

We have a good relationship these days. We both care deeply for each other. We text most days and talk on the phone a couple times a week. Shes met my boyfriend and approves.

She's still my best friend.

 

That's the sort of thing I would love to happen with me and my "wife" in the future. When we hang out and aren't fighting and are just being friends, it's great. But I feel like the more time goes by, the more it feels like "just friends" and I'd really miss her in that regard. Still, can't blame her if we separate and she never wants to speak to me again. Even if we just weren't compatible in the end.

 

I'm very fortunate in this regard. I'm glad that we were both able to take this tack, but I know it's not often possible

 

I'm right there with you Rachael... my wife has also said that outcome is not possible, but I still hold out hope she'll come around... but it's slipping away.