Thanksgiving wrapping up... Wife going downhill

Move out.

 

If you want armor, start writing down everything she says and come up with responses. For example:

She says: You are a horrible, selfish person

You can respond:

• I'm sorry you feel that way.
• If we don't have anything constructive to say to each other, let's not speak to each other.
• You're right - I am a horrible, selfish person.
• Yes, I'm taking better care of myself.
• etc.

It becomes fun after a while.

 

So sorry to hear that. I know how it is. I know that "impending explosion" feeling all too well. My husband used to do the same kind of stuff to me. He excelled at making me feel useless and powerless. And when he got angry and went off on me, it was scary.

Emotional scars are worse than physical ones. Words have a lot of power. Just know that the things she tells you are not true. Don't give her the power...take it back. It's easier said than done, I know.

If you can remove yourself from the situation, try to do so...give her time to calm down and give yourself a break from the stress. Try to take care of yourself, and know that there are many people here who understand! (*hug*)

 

Refuse to engage. Don't even let her get started. Hang up or walk away. But let her know what's happening: "When you are like this, I will not listen to you. I demand respect for who I am as a person. I will not let you treat me like this." If you follow through often enough (and it really shouldn't take long), she will get the picture and will hopefully desist. Maybe then the two of you can have an adult conversation about whatever it is that's bothering her.

 

(*hug*)

 

No. Hell no. The only reason you feel this way is because you're the one who is gay, not her. But it's not something you can control is it? No. You have done nothing wrong. And I'm not just saying this because I'm gay and I'm a part of some "Gay Brigade". I mean it. Your wife is becoming very manipulative and hateful. If I were you, I'd hit my limit and get in her face and tell her what's up.

 

This is such great advice!

 

It's very hard to let someone sound off and vent like that, but one of the most disarming responses I've learned is to say: "Is there anything else you would like to say?". Fighting fire with fire is never the answer in these situations. Being reasonable (perhaps, overly so) is often the best way to go.

 

I am so here with you on this. PatrickUK has given sound advice about keeping your side of the discourse as reasonable as possible. My STBX is very fond of saying "We said we would keep this civil!" which means I agree with her that I am the reason our marriage fell apart, that all her decisions are to be heard and complied with without question, and if they don't work out, that's fine, because it's my fault anyway.

Keep fighting the good fight!

 

Ugh. I'm so sorry to hear this. Big hugs to you if you want them. My ex has a long and rich history of saying lots of awful things to me. He still does sometimes (and we are very much divorced--but still raising children together). I totally get that feeling of holding tightly to your own reality and also feeling like you just never have enough armor. With time and work I have found myself in a place where I really don't believe the things he says about me. And I can fairly quickly see why he was saying the things he was saying--usually either to punish me or to try and control/manipulate me, and sometimes both at the same time. I usually can't see all of that clearly in the moment, when I know it's coming or when it's happening, but it now doesn't take me very long afterward to get to a reasonably objective place about it. And all of those things help, quite a lot actually. But I will also say that it STILL FEELS REALLY REALLY TERRIBLE. I think it always will, because I'm human and have normal feelings like a normal person. So much of what you say about your relationship with your soon-to-be-ex sounds so familiar to me--unfortunately its really painful familiar stuff--when I read posts like these from you I find my heart stretching itself toward you full of empathy. I'm sorry it's so hard!

(And it sounds like you are being smart about staying in contact with your kids, and I"m guessing you understand that how things are playing out now, in terms of how much you see your kids could have a very big impact on how much time is alloted to you in the final judgment. If advice from an attorney on parenting time and custody issues is an option for you it might be a *really* smart thing to do. Though I'd be careful about your wife knowing you are talking to an attorney if you do go that route.)

 

You may be familiar with Viktor E. Frankl's famous quote

The armor is disassociating yourself from your STBX's comments. She's clearly trying to manipulate you and make you feel bad by saying these hurtful and untrue things about you. As long as you feel there's a modicum of truth in them, she will use them against you successfully. This will require you to do something I'm guessing makes you feel uncomfortable, namely, stand up and believe in yourself (that is, be selfish in a good way).

At some level you need to reframe what she says in a more positive way. If she calls you a horrible, selfish person, you need to challenge and reframe that with a positive spin in your own mind: "She's calling me selfish because she is angry. I am doing what is necessary so that I can live an authentic life as a gay man." Whether you choose to confront or deflect her IRL really depends on the situation, so it's good to have responses for both paths.

Unfortunately this aspect of the divorce process is not fun.

 

I am so sorry. I wish I could meet you in person and just hug you and get you away from that shit. Maybe go for coffee and just have a long chat. It's my passion to make people feel good about themselves when they truly deserve it, and you do. I know my advice is a bit aggressive, but it sickens me to see a great guy being treated so badly. I hope, eventually, she will see she's the one who is wrong.

Also, I know you're a grown man, but please be careful on Craigslist. At least equip yourself with pepper spray or a pocket knife if you meet up with someone.

You know you can tell us the details. If she finds out, oh well. She's a jerk and you need someone to talk to. I doubt she will find out. I've been on this site for years an no one has found out. She's literally making you a prisoner in your own mind with her hateful ways.

 

Hey there, one other thing to consider--and actually maybe you are already doing this-- but if you arent already, it might be helpful to tell your attorney about the more difficult and troubling behaviors from your wife as soon as they happen. When attorneys were involved in my divorce and my ex got too out of hand I would tell my attorney the details, and she would have a chat with his attorney and his attorney would talk to him and generally his behavior would improve dramatically for a while. It improved conditions for the kids and for me on more than one occasion during the divorce process.