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How Much is Too Much?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by YeahpIdk, Nov 28, 2015.

  1. YeahpIdk

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    I'm posting this here as a self proclaimed late in lifer.

    I've been having thoughts about my trigger crush lately.

    ---------- Post added 28th Nov 2015 at 11:29 PM ----------

    (ugh -- hit enter by accident)

    I'm posting this here as a self proclaimed late in lifer, and because most late in lifers have dealt with this.

    I've been having thoughts about my trigger crush lately. Lol, okay... I think about my trigger crush all the fucking time. That's my point here, though. When does it become too much?? Soon enough, it will be a year since we've last spoken to each other. It's been a little over a year since we've seen each other. I just don't understand why I hold on so hard, and I don't understand why I care about this person still. I also still think she's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. It's like my brain makes me forget about all of the shitty shit she did to me while I was twirling around like my dear avatar, Alice, in some deceiving dance of bullshit that she may or may not have been purposely orchestrating. There's this part of me that gives her a million excuses that, in reality, I'm not even sure are accurate. Like:

    • Yes, maybe she wasn't into me, but maybe she also kind of was and was just scared.

    • She's just gone through a lot that's made her have serious relationship issues and she doesn't know how to be in a relationship, or know how to want one.

    • I was her type and she's just so messed up she didn't know how to deal with a possible relationship forming between us.

    • She's asexual and wanted a romantic relationship but didn't know how to express it.

    • She's a crazy sociopath.

    The top three are the ones I play over and over in my head, my head that continues to think about her. Possibly one of the big issues here, is that I still have her on some social media. So I still get to see parts of her life, and she gets to see parts of mine. I still play games, most likely with myself, about looking at her stuff. If she doesn't look at mine (on Snap), then I won't look at hers, and when she does, I will. Or sometimes I just will because I want to see it and think it's dumb that I'm purposely trying not to. Yes, I know, take her off! Well, ya see, that's a tough one. I can't seem to. I still hold onto her. I'm like Jim Carey in Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind -- I know, how cliché that I use that film to describe my anguish of repeated mental imagery of the one I wanted so badly -- I just keep trying to keep her there, somehow, even though it's horrible because, am I ever moving on?? What kills me is that, I imagine this person hardly thinks of me, since it's apparent they hardly thought of me or my emotions in the midst of whatever it was that we were doing. And I just want to know, when is it enough? When do I stop giving her excuses and realize she was a shitty person? My fight is that, maybe she wasn't. Maybe my expectations were too high, but I feel like they wouldn't have been without her help because even if I am a bit of a dreamer, I am a logical person more often than not. My logic was no match for her, though. And I understand that things take time, and that a trigger crush is especially hard because it's an awakening. It's kind of like your first crush in your entire life. You remember who that is, but this trigger crush is all the more intense because you have adult feelings -- and for many, those are less fleeting and harder to comprehend, sometimes. The bad thing is that I also compare and look for her in other people. Is that healthy? I say my type is femme androgynous, but is it, or I'm just looking for her? Alright, I feel like I can confirm that it is my type, because androgynous femme chicks are so freaking hot. However, I feel like I look at and for girls who look so similar to her, and isn't that just bad and irrational? I also like the way some femme girls look, so it's not totally obsessive.

    I don't even know what I'm getting at here, guys. It's like, when does it end, when do I stop giving her excuses, when do I see her for the asshole she was? Or maybe she wasn't - maybe she really is just fucked up, and it's okay for me to feel bad for her. But then again, is it? This is like emotional rant word throw up right now. I just think it's absolutely insane that I still think and care about her.

    I should have started this off with Dear Diary.
     
    #1 YeahpIdk, Nov 28, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2015
  2. Really

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    It's time to move on. No amount of rehashing is going to make it turn out any differently. You're using up valuable emotional bandwidth on something that will yield no returns.

    As some hippy once said, "Today is the first day of the rest of your life."

    Don't look back. Look forward.
     
  3. SnowshoeGeek

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    I relate in the sense that I think I've been exposed to so few interested women that I put up with all sorts of nonsense from the ones I do have contact with. Hoping that will change as I get more at least bi-friendly females in my sphere.
     
  4. mellie

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    Lady. Lady, lady, lady, lady. It's time to move on. Like, for real move on. Take her off social media. I'm going to repeat this: take her OFF social media. That is your first and most crucial step. Then you can work on stopping the ruminating thoughts.

    It's going to be fucking hard. You're going to almost take her off social media, and then you're not, and then you're going to think you really should, and then you are going to make all sorts of excuses why it's unnecessary. You'll go around and around until you (hopefully) finally just do it. But if you don't cut her out of your life completely, you don't get to move on. You stay stuck as the same woman you were almost a year ago. You don't figure anything out. You keep wondering if it's just HER or if you're BI or if you're GAY and somehow she's always in the background of those thoughts.

    Maybe your excuses for her are valid. Probably, they aren't. But maybe they are. And assuming they are, does that make ANY difference? Can you make her un-scared? Can you make her know how to have a relationship? Can you un-mess her up? Can you force her to talk to you again? Can you change her asexuality?

    You told her how you felt. You did your part. She knew. She knows. That's where your influence stops. Here's the tough truth (I'm a fan of tough love): if she wanted to talk to you, she would. But she hasn't. She doesn't. That does not say anything about your worth as a person. You are amazing and worthy of someone who reciprocates your feelings and is ready to explore them with you. You are worthy of friends who don't abandon you because shit gets too real for them and they aren't courageous enough to deal with it like an adult and love you and support you and carry you when you need it, even if their feelings aren't the same.

    Hey, I've been where you are. Really. I'm sure you're familiar with the story by now because I've pined and whined and obsessed on here. I fell in love with my best friend and kissed her after she spent weeks of indisputably flirting with me (late night texts such as: "Why haven't we slept together yet?"). And after one make-out session and a profession of love on my part, she got scared and skedaddled. The difference is that she did try very hard to get things back to what they were. She did her best to support me but she was also confused, I believe, as when I would start to get back to being her friend, she would reel me back in and ask me how I could "compartmentalize" so well (she loved that word). Does that make her a bad person? Nah, not at all. She's a great person and I still love her, even though she's pissed at me for the way I've handled things. I had to cut her out of my life. And this was my BEST friend, girl. On December 3rd, it'll be a year since "The Kiss." On December 17, it'll be a year since I've seen her. So the timeline is about the same too. I used to sit on social media and look through all her shit and get pissed and fall back in love and wish and want and waste my time. I just got to the point where I could delete her in September. We've spoken on the phone a couple times since but it'll never be the same, and honestly with the way she's talked to me over the past couple months and with my realizations about how I was really treated during our friendship, I don't want her anymore because I'm realizing my self worth. She has her own shit to figure out, and I have no control over her feelings or her actions.

    Distance, woman. You need distance. And a hug. If I were there, I'd totally bring you take-out and hugs and chocolate and I'd let you cry about her for a whole day, then you'd delete her from your life (or I would if you wouldn't) and never look back. I'm sorry you're without real-life support through this whole thing, because a hug and a day of real venting and crying on someone's shoulder is probably what you actually need. But we're here in any way we can be.

    (&&&)
     
  5. PlaidGlove

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    (*hug*) @yeapidk

    I was going to reply, but figured I just wanted to second pretty much everything mellie said.
     
  6. Soundofmusic

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    I feel like Im reading my own thoughts! Having said that, my friends unfriended my trigger crush from my facebook for me and though it was really painful at the beginning, I FINALLY feel like Im moving on a bit. I dont have a constant reminder of her. Its easier said than done but trust... Its the only way. This is too much.
     
  7. YeahpIdk

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    It's true. So much of my mind still focuses on her. I can't even imagine what I'd be able to do with all of that clear space, maybe I'd actually get on to some things in my life that I want to be working on really badly! Ugh, I'm pathetic.

    I never want to put up with this nonsense again! And neither should you!

    Mellie is a legit freaking yoda. Thank you for the hug. (*hug*)

    I just told my bff that she's hired to delete her...after I think about it for a little *face palm*.
     
    #7 YeahpIdk, Nov 29, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 29, 2015
  8. idsm

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    (*hug*):tears:frowning2:*hug*)

    No words of wisdom as I´m still were you are (even worse, as it´s been almost a decade and I never got to tell her and always think about what could have happened).
     
  9. Soundofmusic

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    Good!! Tell your friend to do it when youre not looking. Just give her your phone lol. Otherwise it wont ever happen. Im rooting for you!! Its time!
     
  10. YeahpIdk

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    Omg, Mellie. Parts of this are tough to read, but it makes too much sense to be untrue. I think I'm going to print this out and read it to myself over and over. I did already try to delete her, it's just like you said, I tried but I gave a million excuses about the future and her growing up a bit more, and how it would suck because we have a mutual friend (who doesn't know about us. She knows about the situation on my end, but doesn't know it was her. Ugh. In fact, once I divulged my feelings to her and she backed off on the flirting a bit, she tried to possibly start up something with this friend. But the friend is way too cool and indifferent to ever fall for that crap. Though, said friend does find her hot. Because she's so hot:bang: ), and that I want her to see my life and be sad she's not in it, and how immature it would be on my end and blah blah blah blah blaaaah. It all pretty much comes down to, I want to keep looking at her. If she's still there, there's (in my twisted mind) still a possibility for us to be together. I know this is completely unrealistic, but wow, I'm so good at lying to myself about this!!

    No. I can't change her. And when I think about that sentiment, "if she wanted to talk to you, she would. But she hasn't. She doesn't." It hurts almost as much as her response to me vomiting my feelings everywhere. Seven months of eating her bullshit's worth of vomit: "I'm going to be honest. I don't have romantic feelings for you." It was like taking a punch to the stomach every time I read it, and even thinking about the wording now:tears: . The hilarious thing about this: if it was a guy, I would know what the deal is, and move on because I'd take the hint and not give a shit. How can it be so different for her!? I'm usually this like, strong headed, takes no shit, blunt person. And I've turned into this pile of quiet, confused mush over this entire thing. It's going on two years now, from when we met to my CONTINUOUS questioning and think, think, thinking. It's exhausting already. I'm literally tired. And it KILLS me that it's just me. It makes me feel pathetic and like a loser. I can't get over her, but she's fine. I think about her all the time, but she's just whatever... she's so untouchable. How lovely that must be.

    My best friend knows about her. She hates her so much, hahaha. She didn't like her from the first time she blew me off, and could tell I was starting to act less like myself. That I was giving excuses and letting myself sit in a confusing situation where someone was just playing with my mind. Another friend didn't like her from the beginning. She's hyper logical, and even when I would tell her some minor games she was playing (which in the beginning, were a little fun), she would tell me that she sounded immature and not on my emotional level... which turned out to be very true given the fact that I, the "straight" girl, had to come to terms with my lesbianism while she was already out, and address the issue for the both of us. And my mom knows, but eh, I'm not talking to my mom about it that much. I have, but she acts like she doesn't understand how my feelings could be so strong for a girl. She's not homophobic or anything, and I swear she's coming around (best woman ever) -- she also says how she sounds like a psycho and I should just forget about her. It's so hard, though. Because at one time, she made me feel happy, and things I didn't even know I could feel for someone.

    Yes. Please bring over the take out and chocolate and let's hug while you delete her from my social media. I'm going to take her off soon, even though I just hesitated to type that!! Hope I'm not :eusa_liar to myself. I will tell you guys when she's been deleted. But omg, even the thought is so hard!!!

    I need to keep reading this, though.

    ---------- Post added 29th Nov 2015 at 12:14 PM ----------

    Omg, idsm, a decade is TOO long. No, no. You need to go up and read Mellie's post, too. We need to be strong women and be what we wish to attract in life!!

    I'm totally not going to be able to look. I'm probably going to leave the room.

    It's going to suck and I'm going to feel empty or like I just did something horrible. It's going to be bad...

    You guys are all so awesome. (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*) hugs for everyone.

    ---------- Post added 29th Nov 2015 at 12:29 PM ----------

    I also agree that I think I need complete distance to know what my sexuality is. I still go back and forth between everything... except I seriously rarely think about guys. There are cute guys out there, but Idk, I'd be with a Ruby Rose or Hannah Hart over them in a heart beat. That's gotta be pretty gay, right? :slight_smile:
     
  11. Soundofmusic

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    Its totally going to suck for like a week and youll still look at her profile even when unfriended and then suddenly you'll feel a lot better. And if you don't, we're here for you to help you along the next step!
     
  12. CapColors

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    What these guys said.

    With a huge side helping of "go find other gay ladies STAT"
     
  13. YeahpIdk

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    I'm sitting here eating donuts in bed just thinking about it. Sad donut eating. Gotta revamp my life, lady bugs. This is going to be such a hard change. And I got in an argument with my mom tonight. I said something about taking her off my stuff, and she said, "and what happens when you get into your career and meet a man that you fall inlove with?" Ugh, mama. You just don't get it. And then I guess I'll fall inlove with him?? Not thinking about any hims, though. And now I sit thinking, AGAIN, is this all bullshit and for nothing? But it can't be. Because look how ridiculous I am over her!

    *stuffs donut in mouth*
     
  14. Soundofmusic

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    No donut eating is sad!!! Yum :slight_smile:

    I get you though. we definitely have similar stories/processes from what it looks like. Had a similar conversation with my parents tonight actually. But its not all for nothing! Youre learning new things about yourself and who knows what the future holds but your feelings are real and valid and they mean something.
     
  15. mellie

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    Donuts. Dammit woman. I love donuts. Don't you know the way to a Mellie's heart is through her stomach? Donuts in bed doesn't sound at all sad to me. It sounds like a freaking party.

    Don't worry about Mom, she'll come around. From what you've said, she sounds like she's a cool lady who needs some time to accept and grieve. This will be easier for her once you figure out what your sexuality is. Right now you're on the fence, and she's probably just worried that you're going to dismiss the idea of being with a man completely (and you being with a man and getting married and having lots of her grandbabies is probably what she imagined for you). Once you can stand firm and tell her exactly who you are and what you want, I imagine she'll be supportive either way, at least eventually.

    A little bit of humor for you. My mom had a tough time with it. When I first came out to her, I said, "Mom, I'm gay," to which she responded, "No, you're not." I talked it over with her for a long time about how sure I was and by the end of the conversation she said she was completely supportive, but then didn't talk about it for awhile, except occasionally to ask if she could tell Grandma (she loves telling things). So, since she was completely avoiding the subject, I started to as well, to allow her space to process. Anyway, she always buys me a wreath to hang on the door for Christmas time. A few weeks ago, after not bringing up the lesbian subject at all for months, she called me and said, "I sent out your wreath, honey. Guess who it was designed by? Ellen DeGeneres! She's gay too, so I thought you'd like it." :roflmao: I was dying. But I knew it was her weird way of reaching out . . . in short, Mom means well, lady, and she'll love you regardless.

    . . . now keep eating those sweet, puffy rings of deliciousness and DELETE the trigger . . . *AHEM*
     
  16. YeahpIdk

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    We really do have similar stories! Yeah, I need to just go with the flow, but I'm so impatient! I just like to know what's what!!

    ---------- Post added 29th Nov 2015 at 10:39 PM ----------

    :roflmao::roflmao: about the Ellen wreath. That actually made me laugh out loud. :slight_smile: thank you.

    And yeah. I understand the grieving...sort of. I guess I just don't fully get it because I've never looked at being gay as being limiting when it comes to having kids. I could get married to a man and not have kids. I think it's the picture, which I grieve sometimes, too. I still can't imagine growing old with a woman. I don't know what that means for me. And at first, I couldn't picture having kids, but one day, I was watching this woman listening to her little girl who was crying about something and just needed to talk with her mama. And I don't know what it was, but the way the parent was paying attention to her while she was talking, and looking sad about her baby being sad, and the close proximity I was sitting to them (which made me feel like I was involved, haha), I pictured my trigger being that - the woman comforting her child. Ugh, so TMI feelings-wise right now. But I could just imagine having a little kid with her. And I remember wanting to cry right then and there for how comfortable something so foreign felt. And I realized how much I liked her. I could picture being married and having kids with this person. Like, I was in love with her. But still, it's really hard to picture the growing old and having grandbabies with a woman. Hoping that's just a heteronormative society issue.

    And I've eaten so many donuts, I'm looking like one right now. So... :thumbsup: