So many things have happened and I'm so confused.

Hi all,

I did take a bit of a break, during which I have met many kinky folk and bisexual females. And yes, I mean real live women who have sex with other women! It's been years since I knew any of those.

I am also meeting a lesbian who appears to be in an open marriage with her wife for dinner next week. She actually contacted me on another site.

I've been talking at length with two members of a FFM poly triad, just making friends and such. They just decided they are closing their triad for a while to work on their relationship (which I think is a wise decision) so nothing is going to come of that. But, there are plenty of other interesting women about.

On the coming out front... after I posted that wild thing on Facebook... Mom and I arrived at my cousin's house Wednesday, and my cousin and I were alone upstairs chatting early on. She just pretty much blurted out, "so my sister called me after seeing your Facebook post, and asked, did she just totally come out???" So I had a great conversation with my cousin (who's totally gay-friendly) about my being probably bisexual and it just did not faze her a bit. It was great! Not there with my mom or the other older generation family yet.

This "relationship" I've been in and battling with for the past six months, friend with benefits or whatever, feels weird, like ever since I started having all of these people in my life, he suddenly is talking like he wants something more serious with me, wants to see me more, blah blah. I cannot help but feel that he wants control. He attended a kinky event with me and did awesome things to me (this isn't a sexual thing, more a sensual thing) and it was great but I had no desire for sex with him. I still don't. I feel kind of trapped right now because he does have a very dominant personality, and he seems to be able to intimidate me. Actually it is better if I just admit that I'm afraid of breaking up with him because I would expect that he'd be pretty cruel to me. He doesn't feel like a friend anymore. He feels like a dog pissing on a fire hydrant. Sometimes I feel like all men are that way with me (straight men!) and I wonder if I want any part of it. I actually feel trapped in patriarchy... ugh... how lesbian of me!

Anyway he's there on this other site I've been at and nothing I write is shielded from him so I am retreating here to whine. I don't know what I want, but I think I want to keep my freedom. I would say he is cool and always has encouraged me to find a girlfriend as he considers it a separate thing to want a woman. Fair enough, but I don't particularly want to have a girlfriend "because he allows it."

I guess my hope and expectation now is that as my social circle broadens, I will get more positive feedback on being myself. And maybe the best thing is to let him get a broader social circle so he won't be in orbit around me.

So I guess I'm feeling positive but also very cautious.

 

Thank you.. (*hug*) I know this, I have been here before. Heck, I've been here before with him! But last time he was the one who said he wanted space and such. Now he's finally getting a divorce after an 8 year separation and talking about wanting to make friends, which is great. But I feel like my skills at detecting manipulation are very poor for some reason.

He sent me a long email a few weeks ago written in anger, saying I was a brat, saying he was not willing to continue a relationship with me unless he had control of it (now this could be a kinky Dominant/submissive thing - he and I are wired that way). But the email pissed me off and I think I deleted it. I asked him yesterday to write me another email stating exactly what he wants out of our relationship and I hope that will give me some clue where he's coming from now. Until recently it's all been about "relationships are fluid, no commitment" but I actually fear that he's wanting to lasso me in now that he sees my wilder side. Ick.

I don't know, part of me wants to be with someone, is tired of living alone. Part of me wants to try a relationship with a woman. Part of me wants to fiercely guard my independence whether or not I have a man or a woman or anything other than my dog.

You are right about the red flags... this relationship has been drama after drama. Thing is, he routinely blames me for all of it.

I don't see him that much. He did meet my mom the day after she arrived for her winter visit and he and I went to a kinky event. I don't plan on seeing him other than probably at kinky events until she goes back home in January. I am being indirect and evasive when he says things like "we need a sleepover soon." Last time he texted me back I just texted a smiley face and nothing else the whole day. But, this is still silly games and I know my heart is growing cold toward him at long last.

 

Thank you... I did not hear this in my post. I guess that's why I posted it - I can't always hear what I am saying.

I would say that what I am doing to feel more comfortable is limiting my exposure to him for the moment. I know it's not assertive of me, but not responding to his most recent statements about spending more time together is the best I can do.

This has a long history where we successfully broke up two years ago when I started dating someone else. He backed away without a harsh word at all. Things were ok the first few months since May or so when he and I got back in touch. Honestly it was one episode where he said some really horrible things about my ex-husband and I was so furious I just didn't talk to him for days. I went on a trip, visited an old friend, got a text from this guy saying that he deserved to at least be treated with friendship. So we have had some off and on conversations and in the midst of it all I met this local lady with the kink group and the man and I started talking kink, in a way it felt like the only way that I could work with his personality. But, for me it's situational. I want to find out if he truly wants to have a Dominant/submissive kind of relationship with me in general, because I personally do not wish to do that.

I do feel able to stand up for myself here, and I would not say that I fear violence. I think I am more frustrated because I turned to this kinky group for friends and I invited him, and I'm not sure I want him to really be attached to me. His talk of more time together has taken me quite by surprise because he's always tried to keep some distance. I was the one trying to get closer, and maybe now that I'm branching out to meet others, he appears to be acting differently.

I saw he friended some girl he used to see, on the kinky site, and maybe my best tack could be to be open and positive to him playing with other women at the parties. I mean, to take the emphasis off me.

Also, I just sent an email to a lady in the group whom he told me he had a relationship with years ago. She and he clearly knew each other at a recent meeting. I am asking her in confidence for her assessment of him. I like that I am reaching out in this way and that I now at least know someone who knew him. But at the same time, I recognize that my reaching out in this way is probably the beginning of the end of my trust in what he says. These couple of items that he has seemed to change his story on lately... that is what seriously crosses a line with me. And his claim not to remember saying the previous thing. Now he's sixty, and he's told me he is worried about maybe having the dementia that his father ultimately got. Also, he takes Ambien nightly and I fear that there may be some serious mental damage from that.

I know, I know, you are all saying, "why on earth are you with this guy???"

 

I think my angle is going to begin with herpes... I've been sleeping with him because he had said two years ago that he got it from me. Now that he denies this, I can be adamant that the situation now violates my boundaries of not engaging in possibly risky activities. I've brought this up since his revelation last week that he didn't have it after all. He insists "I'm willing to get it" and fair enough, his choice, but that differs from my choice not to risk it.

I feel sure that I will ultimately put some distance there. But I'm still going to be careful. Controlling men are like a nest of thorns, or a mine field. Quick reactions cause unpredictable outcomes.

I didn't expect this thread to go in this direction. I appreciate everyone's concern.

 

Honestly... I don't know what to think. There is something about the dynamic between me and him where the communication simply falls apart after a while. It feels a bit like being sucked into a trap. I have tried to be a friend to him this time around... he has some qualities I like. It definitely has not been as it was the first time around where I was quite hopelessly attached.

It's not my way to oust people from my life, but all relationships change. I think my best tack is to talk less and listen more. Not respond very quickly. Become undependable. Give less, be less present. I know from it having been done to me that sometimes men tacitly end relationships by being less available and waiting until they get dumped. I know that it's indirect but I feel that getting in his face in any way simply feeds his interest in playing my emotions. It's still a connection to him if I am reacting. If the emotions go, the reactions go, then I can hope he will tire of me like a toy that isn't fun to play with anymore.

As they say, the opposite of love isn't hate - it's indifference.

I really really think this could be the last man in my life.

By the way, I am meeting a lesbian for dinner Wednesday. Married and poly but still a lesbian, a real live gay-married lesbian! I'm very excited!!! AND she's a MATH GEEK!!!! (!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)