I don't know how to come out

First of all congratulations on coming out to yourself! That's cause for celebration!

I would advise you to come out to a different person first. Is there someone you know who you feel would be accepting? I would tell someone like that first.

 

I would say short, brutal, honesty is the best plan. I know you don't want to put your father under even more stress, and maybe waiting until he is less sick might be a good plan. But after that, as Nike would say, "Just do it!" Be open, be honest, and hope for the best, would be my only recommendation.

 

I agree with PlaidGlove, coming out to someone other than your parents first sounds like a good idea. I understand your feelings, it's wonderful to finally say "gay" in an affirmative way. I think I am still working on internalized homophobia, I have started reading Velvet Rage as recommended by a forum member here which is all about homosexual guilt.

So pick a close friend, someone you feel is accepting and practice on them. Have you thought about telling just your mom first and asking her opinion on telling your dad? She probably knows him better than anyone.

People have surprised me, I also learned a huge amount about myself in the process of coming out (I'm not fully out yet, but pretty close). Many of my fears about myself were unfounded and people told me things about myself that erased years of worries and concerns. It is truly liberating.

Post or read here often, I am finding this forum amazing during a particularly rough time in my journey, so many kindred spirits! You are not alone.

 

It never "feels like a conversation you want to have," at least the first few times. You haven't actually said what you think your dad's reaction is likely to be. If you don't think he'll be vehemently opposed to your so-called "choice," I think you should go ahead and tell him, unless he's at death's door (or in some instances, especially if he's at death's door — it's the last chance). Perhaps tell your mum and dad together?

In any case, most people are only mildly interested in your sexual orientation. Your fears of other people knowing are mostly in your own head, built up over years and years of hiding who you really are. When you actually come out, you will discover the pride that so far eludes you.

 

My advice is, don't overthink it! I really think the easiest way is just to say, "Mum and Dad, I have something to tell you. I'm gay." After that, everything will come naturally. They'll have questions; you'll have answers. You don't need to follow a script. I guess the other thing I'd advise is to do it in the morning, so you have all day to process. Hopefully then everyone will sleep well that night. Good luck!

 

Best wishes! Definitely find a supportive friend first, and be Joey and to the point as others have said.

If you want more data there are thousands of coming out Stopira on this site.

 

For me, as I told one or two really close friends, it made me want to tell a few more, since it felt really good to totally be myself around them. It's really awesome being able to notice good looking women and tell them, without it being awkward or anything.

I'm not out to my family (except my husband), mostly because I'm married, and happy, so it seems like there would be a lot of unnecessary questions and doubts that would come up, but I'm leaning more towards telling them at some point in the future.

:goodluck:

 

Letters can work well! Trawl through the coming out thread and see how others have done it.

One model is to tell them in person very simply and then leave them with a letter or the other way around.

Usually people have best luck when they keep it simple and short. That means writing multiple drafts for some people.

This guy wrote a lot but his language was so simple that I just loved it.

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/blogs...-3a-notes-i-gave-my-wife-when-i-came-out.html

 

There are lots and lots of coming out stories on this site. Do some searches for "letter" within that sub forum maybe?

Best wishes!

 

If you want to post a draft on the forum, folks are happy to give feedback as well. Sometimes it can be helpful to get some thoughts from outside people before sharing it.

Good Luck!

 

This is great! BUT your tone in the beginning is straightforward but maybe a little abrupt. I've suggested edits in CAPS below. Also, REMOVE the part about the "difficult lifestyle". Don't give them ammo to use against you. Be firm about how being gay is a GOOD THING FOR YOU.

******

I need to correct you on something you and dad were talking about last night. I know you are both keen for me to meet a nice girl, DELETE >>>and give you grandchildren that you can fuss over<<<DELETE AND I UNDERSTAND YOU WANT WHAT'S BEST FOR ME. BUT THE BEST FOR ME IS A DIFFERENT PATH.

REVISED SENTENCE WOULD READ: I know you are both keen for me to meet a nice girl, and I understand you want what's best for me. But what's best for me is a different path.

I've known since a young age that I'm more into guys than girls but I've been in denial and hoped that it would go away. For most of my life I've been quite content being on my own but I've come to accept who I am over the past few months and want to start exploring that side of me. This has been prompted by all of the births/deaths/marriages in our family (and my friends) over the past year. Dad's recent illness made me realise two things:

1. You have an unconditional love for each other and I want (and need) that in my life;
2. You're not going to be here forever and I don't want to be left on my own when you're gone.

I think you know this isn't a choice; I was born this way DELETE, DON'T GIVE THEM AMMO! >>>(why would you choose such a difficult lifestyle?)<<< DELETE. I haven't changed but I need to acknowledge this side of me and live my life more authentically.

I'm still your son and would fly round the world twice to support both of you. I've had about 20 years to come to terms with this, so I appreciate you might need a bit of time to digest it. Please don't rush to text me back or call. We can catch up in a day or so. I genuinely don't know if dad is ready to hear this but I don't want to involve you in keeping secrets or lying to him so please let me know how you want to play it. Either let him read this message or let me know if you want me to talk to him (now or when you feel he's ready). Sorry I've kept this from you for so long. I've really struggled to accept it myself.

 

I would be very proud to receive such a letter from my son. Your love for them shines through, and I can't believe it won't be reciprocated, even if, as you seem to think, it might take a while for your dad to come to terms with it. Personally, I think he will probably come round very quickly. Good luck!