1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

How can I create space while still being with the kids

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by middleGay, Nov 29, 2015.

  1. middleGay

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 23, 2015
    Messages:
    101
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    East Coast USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hey All,

    It's become apparent to me and I think I've finally found the strength to give my wife what she really needs... an absolute end. She clings to hope still and everything I know, everything I read suggests that she will not begin to move on and heal until that hope is gone. I told her a while ago that we need to create more space. We still spend too much time together, we are too much a part of each others lives.

    This is good for the kids in the short term, but not so great for the long term stability of both of their parents. I feel we need to create a strict boundary, minimal contact, all discussion is relating to the kids. Outside of that, we live our lives as if the other almost doesn't exist. Holidays are not spent together, weekends definitely not. We exchange the kids, friendly and civil in doing so. We use apps to manage calendars of events for the kids, when they are with which parent and so on. Messaging can also be performed using the app.

    This will continue indefinitely. If we find we reach a point where friendship can be reestablished, with the recognition that this may never happen, then we will cross that bridge when we do. I just think my wife needs a lot of space to heal and move on, more so than me, but I could benefit from the reduction in conflict as well.

    The kids don't yet overnight at my place, but that will happen, I want to work up to it slowly. So we will for now, draw up a rough plan for managing the kids including them spending time at my place when I have them instead of at her place.

    I suppose I am looking for any thoughts? Words of wisdom from others who have been through this or are going through it? How about a female perspective? Will this space even help? She really wants more than that, she wants me completely out of the picture, but I won't do that because of the kids.

    Thoughts and feedback welcome guys... :slight_smile:

    Thanks.
     
  2. bi2me

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 23, 2014
    Messages:
    1,301
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Ohio
    I'm not in that situation, but it seems like you guys are working through this maturely and in a way that will have the least negative impact on the kids as possible. (*hug*)
     
  3. Distant Echo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 29, 2015
    Messages:
    462
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    on the verge of somewhere
    Your plan sounds great.

    She is going to fight it.
     
  4. yeehaw

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 4, 2015
    Messages:
    209
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Oregon
    I also think your plan sounds great. And I think it will be good for you and your kids if you follow it as closely as you can. (And I also think your wife will fight it.)

    In your post you mention a couple of times giving your wife what she wants/needs to heal and move on. I think the thing to focus on here is what the plan can do for you and your kids. And I think it can probably do some really meaningful things for you and your kids. It can give *you* more space to heal and move on. You having what you need to heal is really important for you as an individual and for you as a parent. The more healed and present you are the better shape you will be in to 1) embrace your own life in meaningful and fulfilling ways, and 2) really see what's going on with your kids so you can support them and connect with them in meaningful ways.

    I think it's a fabulous plan to do parenting time with your kids at your place. I think this is good for (at least) two reasons. First, kids witnessing one parent being awful to another parent is the stuff that eats kids' souls--doing parenting time away from your wife will probably reduce their exposure to awfulness between their parents. (Even if they haven't seen any awfulness between you two yet, you can consider it preventative. And if they have already seen awfulness between you two then you'll know exactly what I'm talking about.) Second, I think it's smart to start establishing your place as space where your kids can have a break from their mom's stuff, and where they can have you focused entirely on them (and not at least partially trying to figure out how to manage their mom).

    You asked in your post if the plan you have outlined will help. If you were asking if it will help your wife heal and move on--who knows--it might not. If you were asking if it can help you and your kids be the best you can be--then yes, it probably can help a lot.

    For what it's worth your plan looks a lot like my plan with my ex. So far it does not appear to have helped him heal and move on--but I don't really know--maybe it has in ways that I'm not tuned into. I sincerely hope that it has, but me taking on the role of providing him with what he needs emotionally pretty much always plays out very badly. It is however very clear to me that minimal contact has helped me and the children (for the reasons I described above).

    One other thing, be prepared for the possibility that at some point your wife may not be able to do kid exchanges without exposing the kids to stuff that isn't good for them to see/hear. My ex and I went through a phase where I went out of my way to even remove myself from pick-ups and drop-offs whenever possible and the kids did seem to benefit from that. (My ex would say TERRIBLE things to me with the kids within earshot and insist that the children weren't paying attention or weren't noticing what he was saying.)

    Good luck to you. And sorry this turned into a book.
     
  5. middleGay

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 23, 2015
    Messages:
    101
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    East Coast USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Thanks yeehaw. :slight_smile: your post was both helpful and depressing... I keep trying to find ways to help my wife, but I know it's up to her.
     
  6. CapColors

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 15, 2015
    Messages:
    898
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    NYC
    This is what I would do in your situation. It's not perfect but I think it's the best you can do. However you may want to wait until they are already overnighting at your house in case she wants to take that away. It's harder to take something away than fail to allow it.
     
  7. yeehaw

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 4, 2015
    Messages:
    209
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Oregon
    My therapist and attorney have never met each other or talked to each other,yet throughout the worst of the divorce process they would often be saying eerily similar things to me. Usually it was some version of "stop trying to manage him and just focus fully on yourself and your kids." I do understand the draw. It was, and sometimes still is, scary and uncomfortable to not focus on him.
     
  8. middleGay

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 23, 2015
    Messages:
    101
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    East Coast USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    My therapist says the same thing.

    You're right it's scary not to focus on her...