I'm in a very commited relationship with a woman for almost 5 years, and we just got engaged a couple of months ago. I really love her, we are a great match, and I have no intention of cheating on her or leaving her. This post is merely a way to try and get this other woman out of my head. I'm also looking for reassurance that this kind of thing is normal for other people too.... That being said, I have the most absurd crush on one of my co-workers who is about 15 years older than me (I'm in my upper 20s and she's in her early 40s). She's kind of like a mentor to me, but we have a very reciprocal working relationship that is more like partners than mentor/mentee. She's also an out lesbian, married, with two adopted children. She's not at all my type that I've gone for in the past - she isn't even attractive by traditional standards. She's very plain and has a terrible sense of style, but she's probably the most caring person I've ever met. She comes across as kind of cold and know-it-all (she's one of the few people at my place of employment with a PhD and she lets you know it), but once you get to know her, she's actually very warm with a fantastic sense of humor. Whenever we're together we share a laugh or some random story, and we're always able to get some work done. In terms of having a crush on her, I find myself eagerly anticipating the next time I get to see her, when my phone alerts me of a text message I hope it's her, and I simply think about her a lot. I know part of it is the fact that I just have a lot of respect for her because she is so intelligent and educated, she's been out of the closet for a very long time, and she's amazingly selfless and involved in community based charities. I really hoped that my crush on her would fade, but unfortunately it hasn't, and I've been working with her for over 2 years. Sure there are long stretches of time where I don't think about her romantically, but by and large my crush has gotten more intense the more we work together. The tricky part is that I know she has a crush on me too. She blushes when we talk, looks away when we have too long of eye contact, and always confides in me when she fights with her wife. She actually talks quite a lot about how she and her wife disagree on so many issues and how their marriage "almost ended before it started." One time, before we became friends, she was driving by me while I was on my bike, and she did this huge neck-craning move to get a better look at me. Even as innocent as that was, it showed that she looks out for me when she's around town (I do the same thing. It's a smallish city). We also have this amazing connection, and I could feel it the first day I met her. I do keep my distance and I don't flirt with her, and I really do my best to hide my crush from everyone. My fiance knows the woman I have a crush on because she's become one of my closest friends, but my fiance has no idea that I have a crush on her. My fiance is normally really jealous of my other lesbian or bi friends, just not this one. I think it's because no one would ever guess that I'd have a crush on someone so much older than me and who's not conventionally attractive (I do find her beautiful, by the way, and that's part of my problem). As I said before, I really have no intention of acting on my crush, I just needed to get it out. Has anyone else gone through something similar? How did you deal with it? Maybe I just really like her as a friend. I don't make friends easily and she's someone that seems worth my time and effort to invest in. It reminds me of my best friend in high school who I was in love with....but that's a different story.
QUOTE: "Maybe I just really like her as a friend." UNQUOTE Hi ilovecats, I love cats too! Well... I read all you wrote and I felt hellish jealous of this romance. So, I'm no expert on relationships (or anything for that matter) but wow it seems you two have got it BAD for each other!? No? Not friendship. Crush. Lust. If you didn't initially find her physically attractive but have grown strongly attracted to her over the last 2 years then isn't this something even more than a crush? If you're not intending to act on it then perhaps you'd better stay far away from her because in all seriousness, what you going to do if she comes on to you physically? Maybe she would never do that because of her seniority over you at work? If the only thing standing between you and her running off into the sunset is her firm sense of morality then let's all hope she stays very ethical because I sense love is in the air! Maybe you should talk to her about this? Or maybe not? Someone else wiser than me needs to advise.
Cat lovers, unite! Sounds like you have it a little bad for her. I'm not a source of any advice here, just to commiserate and say that older women have it goin on. Seriously. They are so confident, not clingy, emotionally present, physically freakin beautiful, and their entrenched careers and hobbies give them an aura of accomplishment and a sense that they will do fine with or without you, thank you very much! An older woman knows what she wants and how to go about getting it. She knows how to treat you like you need, has great generosity and will talk to you about any problem without it seeming like she's trying to talk over you or is turning the conversation onto herself. Older women are the freaking bomb. Uh... so yeah I have no advice, sorry :/ .
Sorry I feel bad for my earlier post which offered no advice. It is difficult to get over a crush, especially once it's well established. As a way to re-bond with your soon to be wife, you can do new and exciting things with her, whether it's watching a horror movie together or going rock climbing or skydiving. It's said that the level of newness and adrenaline in a situation can help you re-establish the bond with your current love. It will remind you that things aren't going to be static or boring with her forever, but that you are two individuals that will always keep growing, and your relationship will keep evolving. Sorry if it's lame, but that is my input. <3
I'm glad we're not only an LGBT community but a cat lover community Thanks for your responses. It felt good to write out and get feedback. Unfortunately I can't avoid being around my crush because we work together. In fact, in about a month I'm going to spend even more time with her at work, so there's that. (I'm secretly really looking forward to this....) Also, there's no way in hell I'm going to tell her I have a crush on her. I do like to show her how much I appreciate working with her and how much I've learned from her, but definitely no talk of crushes. My fiance and I do quite a bit together to try and keep the spark going. We take weekend trips, visit amusement parks, go on dates, have really amazing sex pretty regularly. I know that she's my partner and I want to be with her. I just hate being so into a woman that's out of bounds. Not to mention I know that I wouldn't be happy in a relationship with my crush. I just really enjoy thinking about making out with her and rocking her world. Haha. yep.
lol. Well, she doesn't hate cats, but it might be worse that she has, in her words, "an undisclosed number of cats." I think the number is about 10...she has a soft heart for strays and poor disabled kitties. Sigh. It's gross but her heart is in the right place. She may very well pick her nose in bed. haha.
Don't worry, crushes fade. They feel crazy urgent for a while and then they fade. The trick is admitting that there isn't any hope for them or that your current relationship is better. Eventually they go away.
