Things were supposed to be different by now. The plan was me and my girlfriend would be living together, starting OUR life together by now. My husband was willing to let me go through with the separation and have joint custody. Though he was hurt, he was willing. Hers WASNT. Not at all. And made her feel threatened to the point that she would not get any form of custody of her children if she leaves him. And it continues, he continues to make her feel threatened beyond belief. Must be amazing to look in the mirror and tell himself he has this AMAZING wife he has to use threats to keep her there with him, or she would leave and be with who she really wants to be with. Amazing huh? I am so beyond hurt it isn't even funny. We love each other so much. We have the most amazing bond. We never argue, we communicate amazingly and are 100% honest with each other always. I want to be with her. He wont even tolerate her seeing me other than during the day, when he has no control. She was honest with him about everything for a while but has had to go to lying because if he knew the truth about our relationship continuing he would threaten her more and she is very fearful. It is VERY complicated and though lawyers have been consulted, custody would very likely go in his favor (though she is an amazing mom, she has made a few mistakes and he appears more amazing then her and is good at making things go his way). So, queue the season of a million gatherings and he is INSISTING he accompany her to every party, gathering etc. So she doesn't take me instead, who she'd much rather take, he is insisting he attend every holiday party with her so I cant. Truly unbelievable because before this year he never had any interest in anything involving her. I could probably go and find another girlfriend that I could be with a lot more, but I don't want that. I want HER. She is my best friend, my soulmate and I love her so much. I don't want anyone else. Yet there is a very real chance she wont be able to leave him until the kids are much older which is a LONG way off. I'm so hurt, so beyond unhappy I'm borderline having a hard time functioning at all right now. I want nothing to do with the season, nothing to do with decorating for Christmas, etc. I'm so depressed and unhappy I want nothing to do with it. I just want to crawl into a hole and end this depressing season I used to love.
Wow. So horrible. But this relationship she's in with her husband, it seems like overt abuse or what? Why so sure she would not get custody or shared residency of children? Are you SURE he's really doing this and she's not just making excuses because she's staying in the relationship for whatever reasons?
I'm sorry darling. Honestly I think she needs to battle it out in court and let the chips fall where they may. She's not living a life now. Life without kids is hard, but life in captivity is worse. In another thread we urged you to move your separation along. I hope you've done that.
Is your girlfriend keeping a record of what is happening? Is she telling her legal team everything? It's really important that she makes them aware of every detail so they can properly represent and defend her. The situation you describe is abusive and controlling and that's sure to go against her husband in his claim for custody, if she can demonstrate it to the court. It is unpleasant, but necessary and the court will need to be involved and bring matters to a conclusion. Happy children come from a happy and stable home and there is no doubt that her kids (however young) will be picking up on the bad vibes in this marriage. Something's got to give for their sake, as well as your girlfriends. I'm sorry you are caught up in the middle of all of this. You could move on, but if a legal process is underway between your girlfriend and her husband it might be best to see what comes of it. The most likely conclusion is separation -- the biggest complication is custody of the children. Keep in touch with us and keep talking. It's a lot better than holding all of this hurt and distress inside. (*hug*)
Oh Cate, you poor thing. That's so hard. And the holidays just make everything worse, I know. Not being able to be with your loved one during the holidays is horrible. Listen to PatrickUK. His advice is really good. And CapColors is also right on the money: separation can be painful, but life in captivity is no life at all.
Yes I am sure, because Ive heard it myself. She would get some shared custody of course, but she is very afraid he would get primary and she would just get visitation and she doesn't want to risk only getting her kids with her a couple days a week because of how powerful he is.
Well, at some point, she is going to have to weigh that against the continued misery of living with him. From what you've said, it does not seem likely that her situation will ever improve...in fact, it is much more likely to get worse. Abuse and control always escalate over time, so if he is in fact abusing and threatening her, she doesn't have a very bright future, unfortunately. The hard thing for you (apart from having to watch your love go through this) is that you can't make her decisions for her. SHE has to do it. As PatrickUK says, she should be documenting every negative interaction she has with him, no matter how seemingly trivial. It will help her when the divorce happens, which hopefully, will be sooner rather than later.
