Well, guys, it's been a wild ride, but I think most of the storm has passed for me. since realizing I was HELLA bi (so, so bi) in July, I've lived through a torrent of emotions and "what if" moments. Slowly my mind has begun to heal itself. I'm less anxious and depressed and angry. I'm less ridiculously horny. I'm heading back toward my normal, even if I'm not there yet. There were a few turning points for me, the most obvious being when I decided that nothing I could hope for right now is worth risking my (still solid, still sexy) marriage. I can see a near future when I can be out to all my friends, when my trigger crush will be sort of an embarrassing phase that I may even joke about. Maybe I'll even joke about it with my trigger crush. That day isn't today, but it is coming within the next two to four years. Although my professional life has suffered a lot in the past six months (finding out you're pretty f@#king gay is so goddamn distracting!), my personal relationships haven't. I've resisted the strong temptation to destroy everything I love with the whirlwind of my transformation, and I've kept my husband and my friends reasonably happy. I haven't cheated or even gotten close. I've kept my pain to myself and a few trusted friends who don't know my trigger crush. And of course, I shared with YOU GUYS, without whom I couldn't have done it at all. There are a lot of things I'm leaving on the altar: at this point I don't know if I'll ever be with a woman, and I can't really talk about my sexuality with my husband, at his request. These things both sadden me, but I know I can bear them. The dark days are merely gloomy now; they don't torment me like they did. I have made some important discoveries about myself. Most importantly, I've shed much of my shame. I'm not a fake wife or a fake friend for loving someone outside my marriage. It was an accident, and I treated the situation with maturity and care, or at least I did my own personal best. It won't happen the same way again; I'll be better prepared next time. The whole process has given me a new perspective on life, and more confidence in my ability to withstand emotional pressure. Hopefully I won't need quite this much resilience in the very near future, but I'm not naive enough to think I won't be tested again. That's what life is. I will probably post at least one more update here, when I'm fully out to my friends and trigger crush. Thanks again for everything you guys have done for me, including and most importantly, sharing your own stories and letting me participate in offering you support and sharing your ups and downs. Posting on this site makes us vulnerable temporarily, but in the end it makes us strong.
Oh no, are you LEAVING us? :icon_sad: This sounds like a goodbye! I am of course glad that you are at peace for now. If you are taking a sabbatical (which you shouldn't), I would like to thank you for all the advice you've given and for sharing your experiences. As much as we've helped you, you've helped each of us. I look forward to that update. (&&&)(*hug*)
Cap I'm happy for you that you have struck a balance. You were one of the first members I connected with on here. I related to much of what you were experiencing. Good luck.
Nah, you can't get rid of me! I just became a Full Member! I'm just trying to mark my progress, so that on bad days, I can know that I was recently having a good day. (*hug*)(*hug*) ---------- Post added 1st Dec 2015 at 12:38 AM ---------- Thanks, Zen. (*hug*) I think in my case that I'm not so much striking a balance as admitting that I can't do much of anything to explore my gay side on a personal level any time soon. I have to accept that's a part of me while also accepting that it's a part of me that I can't fulfill right now in the ways I would ideally want to. It's sad, but life is full of tough things sometimes, especially adult mid-life. I have it so much better than many. My life is pretty excellent overall and I'm grateful as hell for it.
Cap , I'm so proud of your progress! And just a return thank you to you, you, along with everyone on this site have helped me immensely. Big super hugs.(*hug*)
So happy for your growth and relieved that you are continuing your membership and shared insight with the rest of us. - J
I'm happy you have progressed so much, and I enjoyed reading about what you've learned. I hope to get to that point someday myself. Best of luck in coming out to your friends and trigger crush; you're a brave person.
I think you've made a wise decision CapColors. We can't have everything in life. I am still in love with three different people I simply can not have/can no longer have romantically. My first love I've known since I was a toddler. I have very happy memories of times past with all three at different times in my life. Is it sad we didn't end up together? Yes. Do I regret these relationships? No. I gave each relationship my all. The happy part is I am still friends with all of them, and they cherish my friendship too. It's not ideal, but it's a lot better than two other very intense but brief relationships I had where I feel "good riddance". There is really something quite wonderful about enduring platonic love too.
Thanks, J. I appreciate you, too. ---------- Post added 20th Dec 2015 at 11:04 AM ---------- Thanks, biblondegirl, this is really good to read. The thought my story might help others means a lot to me. ---------- Post added 20th Dec 2015 at 11:05 AM ---------- Thanks, hon. I couldn't go on with the mess my head was. I knew I would heal, but waiting for it to happen was atrocious. ---------- Post added 20th Dec 2015 at 11:05 AM ---------- I'm glad! ---------- Post added 20th Dec 2015 at 11:07 AM ---------- You are full of truth. Thanks for your wisdom.
