I originally posted this elsewhere and decided to move it here. It may be for the best but my impending divorce is so emotionally draining. Things between my husband and I haven't been good for years. We have what I would call a loveless marriage. I wasn't sexually attracted to him and I soon discovered the reason why... I'm a lesbian. I dated a woman before I got married and always assumed that I was bisexual. I've since realized that I've never been emotionally or romantically drawn to men. I think I said yes to my husband's proposal because being with him was what I was used to. Turning him down just didn't seem right at the time. I now see the error of my ways. I've spent the last five years in misery. Three months ago I'd finally had enough of my unhappiness. I told my husband that things weren't working out and that I wanted a divorce. He told me that I couldn't leave him because we'd just adopted a child together a month before. We continued to go back and forth until I finally told him that I'd discovered that I was a lesbian and had been living in emotional torment the entirety of our marriage. He became irate to the point of striking me in the face twice. He was arrested, divorce papers were drawn up, and due to a restraining order he was forced to move out. Soon after he left I discovered I was pregnant. I'm just now 26 weeks along. He isn't happy about it in the least and wanted me to have an abortion. I didn't, obviously, and I'm now prepared to raise this child and my four month old daughter on my own. Everything that has happened in such a short period of time has truly drained me. He's bad mouthed me to our friends and posts negative things about me on Facebook all the time. His level of immaturity when it comes to handling all of this is unreal. Despite his constant bashing of me, he begs to be allowed to come back home. I think he just misses the financial security I gave him because now he's always complaining that he's broke. He hasn't had a job for the last couple of years while I worked two jobs to support us both. Since he's left I've went down to only one full time job because raising a infant and the lack of sleep while being pregnant was just physically too much for me to take. I guess the point of this post is that I'm so tired. Emotionally and physically, and I honestly can't wait for my divorce and for this small portion of my life to be over with. I'm just so very thankful that since I've came out to my family during this divorce process that they've been very supportive and understanding. I don't know what I'd do without them right now. I do apologize for my aimless rambling. I just needed to get all of this off my chest and this seemed like a good outlet to do it. Has anyone else dealt with similar circumstances?
I'm dealing with an emotionally abusive relationship. After questioning my gender I realized I've been rather numb to a lot of the things she expects of me as a "husband" and it ironically makes me angry (something we consider a very male trait) which makes her argument that I am not trans and from that foothold she pursues allAnne of psychological warfare in sabotaging my confidence. She said I lied to her. That she has gone through too much to be with me and that I'm being selfish and that I need to think of the kids. I'm in the military too and I don't get much rest or calm time. Everything is stressful, including coming home. I get the idea of marrying because it is familiar. The more I reach into myself the more I realize how open monded, motherly, and loving I want to be but can't because of the confines of my relationship with her. And all the work gets pushed on me. She is a stay at home mother but except for finances (which barely get donw) and emotional stability she doesn't really do much. No chores, and if she does she gets mad at me for not doing them, she talks down to me, won't let me raise the kids without correcting me or she won't help me if I act like the mom I want to be. She is a good person but she can be very hard to handle and lately she is very controlling and hurtful. And stuck in all of this are our kids. I have mental illness and so does she. We don't deal with stress very well. And I personally think that the stress is avoidable but she insists on forcing things to work between us for the sake of the children. Anyway. Separation sucks. Being hurt for finding yourself out sucks. Having to do everything yourself sucks. Kids are wonderful but frankly they take a lot of energy. I sympathize. And on many levels I empathize. I'm so sorry.
I've yet to see any of us have a clean break. Ride the wave it will get better. Might take a while though The road to authenticity is a long bumpy road if it was easy everyone would do it
I assume you have figured out by now that this is a safe place to ramble and get it all out. There are many of us here in various stages of marriage/divorce/separation/parenting and while my story is not similar, I can empathize with your situation. Take care of yourself, get as much rest as you can - pregnancy and parenting are full time jobs in themselves. I think you will find there is a family here also for you to lean on when you need support and community. Be well - J
It WILL get better. The separation part sucks, but it is ultimately only temporary, and you will feel much better when you emerge on the other side of it. So sorry to hear that he hit you...that is really scary, and good for you for standing up for yourself and holding him accountable for his actions with the arrest and the restraining order. Men need to stop thinking it's ever acceptable to hit their wives. It is NOT. And glad to hear that your family is being so supportive. Lean on them and let them help you through it. And this forum has a lot of people who have been through the divorce process and can empathize with everything you are going through. You are not alone.
You are so much better off, you will see how much better you feel not having to support him the rest of his life when he never supported you. (Emotionally and financially)
Well, yes, that is a lot to deal with at once. I found pregnancy, all by itself with nothing else going on, to be incredibly physically and emotionally draining. I felt the same way about mothering an infant. And about dealing with divorce. And about dealing with abuse. And about dealing with figuring out that I am gay. Feel free to share anything you want with us here. This is a pretty great community. I'm sure you'll find lots of support here. And I want to join Shadowsylke in saying good for you for holding your husband fully accountable for his behavior. It's not an easy thing to do for most people.
It sounds like you're going through a rough time as well. In many ways, your wife reminds me of how things were between my husband and I before I came out. He's always been controlling and had a bad habit of talking down to me which has gotten much worse since our seperation. Ever since we met he has tried to mold me into what he wanted me to be. Stupidly I let him do it for many years. I did everything around the house and financially supported the both of us while he played video games or spent hours on end on the internet. It's been so very freeing to live life for me ever since we seperated. I truly hope things get better for you and that somehow you can come to live your life the way you want to. You deserve that. ---------- Post added 1st Dec 2015 at 04:26 PM ---------- Pregnancy is one of the most tiring things I've ever had to deal with. It's only made worse by the fact that my four month old wakes up several times during the night. If I ever have more kids, I'll go the adoption route like I did with my daughter. I really like it here at EC. All of you are great and very supportive and I love reading everyone's stories and life experiences as well. Thanks to you and Shadowsylke both. It wasn't easy picking up the phone and calling the police when he hit me. My first thoughts were that it was my fault and that I deserved it. I quickly snapped out of that mindset though and did what I consider to be the right thing.
You absolutely did. I know how hard it is. And it is SO common for the wife to think that the abuse is her fault. "If I just didn't make him angry", "I pushed him too far", etc. But that kind of thinking just keeps you locked in the vicious cycle. It is NEVER your fault. He made a decision to act that way; that is on him. It is never acceptable for him to hit you and if he does it even ONCE, that is grounds for divorce right there, full stop. Your sexuality doesn't even need to enter the picture at that point; that becomes secondary to the abuse and safety issue. Having said that, I know how hard it is to break out of the abuse pattern; I've had to do it myself, and it was hard. The hooks go deep! I totally believe it wasn't easy for you to pick up that phone and call the police...but you did, and you should be so proud of yourself for that. That is no small thing, and it took courage. I often wonder if there should be another sub-forum on EC for abuse survivors...there seem to be a number of us here.
The hooks go deep. That statement couldn't be truer. I didn't even realize it until talking on here with you all. I'm in a severely abusive relationship that has changed me to my absolute core. My core values and memories have been changed or damaged by her. And the worst part is she just makes me do it to myself. I feel like Jessica Jones. In every way. And. I think that getting out is. Not only impressive but overwhelmingly and unequivocally strong of you. I can't say I'm that strong yet. But I'm trying.
Oh...hugs, TobaccoFlower! (*hug*) Yes, that is common in abusive relationships. The abuser moulds the victim (I hate that word) into exactly what they want so that over time, the victim loses all sense of self and agency. Eventually the coping mechanisms and adaptive behavior of the victim become so strong and well-entrenched that he/she ends up engaging in behaviors that actually aid the abuser. In a sense, they help the abuser abuse them! It's really insidious. The manipulation is amazing. And this is one of the reasons why getting out is so hard for many victims. They are, in effect, brainwashed. That said, it CAN be done. It takes time, work, and support to build the strength and self-esteem needed to make the break...but you can do it, TobaccoFlower! Don't stop trying!
