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Pulled the Trigger

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by YeahpIdk, Dec 1, 2015.

  1. YeahpIdk

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    I deleted my trigger crush.

    Well. I didn't do it, technically. I made my best friend. We sat from 9 at night until 3:30 in the morning doing our usual friend-date stuff, and talking about my feelings regarding the impending absence of said trigger crush. Was it right? Mean? Was it stupid and immature? I worried, does this just make me look dumb and like I can't move on? And then I laughed after I said this, stating, "actually, it's just the truth because I'm not moving on!"

    In between eating dinner and playing a video game, we rehashed everything. Went over how much I liked her; how she so blatantly flirted with me and made it seem like she liked me but was too afraid to say it. The way it all made me feel: the love, lust, confusion, paralyzing fear, giddy like a teenager, nauseous, wonderful dizziness... and then we talked about the bad things. Like how she was so aggressive with her flirting, but had no follow through. She said things, about wanting to cuddle and have me in her bed, about wanting to be with a woman, about how she liked someone older than her (I was older) who she couldn't tell that she liked because they were weird about dating younger people (told her I didn't usually go for younger people), so she would just forego the pain of saying anything to them. The times she would make plans with me only to keep me hanging on for an entire day and either go MIA, or get in touch at the last hour and say that she couldn't, as if my world revolved around her. About how it's almost been a year since we've even spoken, and she'll probably never reach out because she could have, so what was the point in keeping this shitty reminder around me?

    I told the biff about the term "trigger crush." And can I just say, nothing makes you feel less straight than sitting and talking about the term trigger crush to your bestie. I told her how it's this thing. This actual thing that happens to so many people in this community, and how it's so weird because it has the same make up every damn time. It's like a virus. Trigger crushes are almost always the same - it's actually kind of fascinating.

    I have a lot of soul searching to do, AGAIN :bang:. I can't with 100% certainty say yes, I'm a lesbian. But holy shit, I've never felt the way about anyone that I felt for her. I liked all of her. Her hair. Her face. Her butt. I thought her damn teeth looked delicious. I think I wanted to devour her. I just liked every, single, part. I can't explain it. She just looked shiny, felt soft, and smelled delicious (without even smelling). Every part of me felt so alive when I was around her. Like, I was really in the moment, and living it. Not sitting there thinking hard about myself, or how I looked (except for the normal freaking out about how you look when you're around someone you like), or the future. I was just present, and feeling things. I also, side note, had this new found horniness. Sorry for the TMI, but I wanted to be with her ALL THE TIME. And it's not like I never liked having sex. I love having sex. But I was intoxicated thinking about HER having sex. Like, I just wanted to pounce on her and do everything to her. Me, the "straight" girl, was dying over thinking about her pleasure. I never had that before with guys. It was always very, let's have sex because I've got some needs that need meeting. That became one of my tip offs into this whole realized sexuality thing. I've never cared much about the pleasure of the guys I was with. It was all rather selfish on my part. But with her, with her make up off and her pimples and flaws out, and even when she had kind of bad breath this one time (huge tip off because I'm so insane about bad breath)! I wanted to pounce on her! I just wanted to be touching her, like way more than I'd already been touching her. Thinking about us kissing sent shocks through my body, and the times that I thought we were actually going to kiss, I was trying to hold my breath because I was on the verge of hyperventilation. I still, to this day, will never understand her response back to me about not being into me. She was so blunt sometimes, it just seemed obvious, or like she was waiting for me to make a move. I just don't know how to act like that with someone I'm not into, even in the slightest. I'm not much for playing games or wasting energy, though. Perhaps some people are. It's so strange to be so into someone and want them while they don't feel the same. It actually seems unnatural. Like, why are you so into someone who is not interested in you?

    It was around 3:30am and we sat in bed. I looked at her pictures and snaps one last time, and handed my phone to the biff. She went into everything and unfollowed/defriended and then deleted her from my contacts. I felt nothing but quietness. I still kind of feel nothing...and that quietness. I don't know what it is. I woke up this morning and my first thought was, what is she doing? And wanted to check my phone. Now I've got all this free space, and I have to say, it might be totally premature, but I actually am starting to feel like myself a little. Like...way bitchier and no fucks given, or something; which is usually how I am. Like, on a dating app today, there was this really gorgeous chick that I was looking at. But for her top six things she couldn't live without, she repeated a thing she couldn't live without twice, but in different wording, and I thought, you're pretty. but that's just dumb and lazy, no dumb girls.

    Thank you to my EC girl gang that backed me up and gave me the strength to follow through on this. We'll see how things go from here!(*hug*)(*hug*)(&&&)(&&&)(*hug*)(*hug*)
     
    #1 YeahpIdk, Dec 1, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 1, 2015
    bright skies likes this.
  2. Distant Echo

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    Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

    Well done. The peace will really set in soon :slight_smile:
     
  3. mellie

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    I'm giving you like a million virtual fist bumps and high fives. What a HUGE step. I'm glad you're feeling better. Get ready for some real up-days and down-days too. Stay strong and don't forget you're the total dopeshit.

    And for real, the way you described how you felt about her, I only hope and wish and dream some woman feels that way about me someday. This girl would have been LUCKY to have been pounced by you. Her loss.
     
  4. CapColors

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    Yay!!!! But dot give up on women. There are better ones of us out there :slight_smile:
     
  5. YeahpIdk

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    I hope I feel it again too someday!

    dopeshit...ahahaha.

    ---------- Post added 1st Dec 2015 at 05:55 PM ----------

    :icon_bigg:slight_smile:

    I will not settle until I find it!! :love:
     
  6. Really

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    Congratulations yeahpidk!

    fyi. The six things I couldn't live without are:

    Air
    Water
    Food
    Shelter
    Water
     
  7. YeahpIdk

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    Thank you!

    Btw, water is also on my list of six things, and I really appreciate you writing it twice without using different wording. :icon_bigg
     
  8. mellie

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    Clearly the last item on the list is supposed to be "H2O."
     
  9. bi2me

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    :roflmao:
     
  10. Soundofmusic

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    YAAAASSSSS.

    SOOO PROUD!! You'll see that in a few days/weeks you will feel lighter and lighter until you will not want to look her up everyday anymore. Heck, I just realized reading this that I havent thought of looking up my trigger crush all week!!

    Reading this gave me the feels. But its so great you were able to go throught it all in your head, rationalize it, then say goodbye.

    Now, onto moving on and finding yourself!!
     
  11. YeahpIdk

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    Yeah -- I've been sad, but for other reasons. Like having to deal with this gayness completely alone. I don't know why her being gone makes it so much more real. Smh.

    But thank you, and that's awesome, and I can't wait to literally not care at all!!

    ---------- Post added 2nd Dec 2015 at 07:41 PM ----------

    Alright, now I'm thirsty.