I'm going to leave this ridiculous rant right . . . here.

Phew! I understand your anger completely!

I know what you mean about putting you in the position where you had to reject him... My significant other did the same thing making me repeat and rehash things over and over... It was like she was torturing me by making me torture her. Made me so angry.

It can and will change and when we are through the long dark tunnel we'll burst out into glorious daylight and feel freedom.

 

Okay.

First of all, you are NOT a coward. That is like the LAST thing you are. You are owning who you are, and you are leaving a marriage, with all the uncertainty that entails. Those are not the acts of a cowardly person. That's brave. Do you know how many women stay in lackluster, unsuitable, or even abusive marriages forever, just because it's easier? A lot. You are not doing that. Give yourself some credit, girl.

Secondly, the trigger crush. She was never a real option for you...if she was, maybe things would be different, but she wasn't brave enough to pursue something with you, and she has her own issues...don't make them yours. And don't feel bad for reaching out...she was your friend; of course you'd want to reach out to her. She just doesn't sound like she's in a particularly healthy place at the moment. And I wouldn't be surprised if she found herself in a similar situation to you at some point down the road. Except by then, she'll just be starting on her journey, and you will have already conquered yours.

The other friend: you were there for her when she was leaving a marriage and needing you. That is what a GOOD friend does. So what if you can't be there for her now? It's her turn. She can be there for you now. That's how it works. Nothing wrong there.

And lastly, the gay thing. Yes, you "should" have known, blah, blah. Believe me, all of us coming out later in life have had that thought! Whatever. You know now. You are doing what you need to do now; that's all that matters. That's all you can do.

You are an inspiration to so many here. You have nothing to feel bad about! You are doing fine. The road you are traveling just has some sucky parts, is all. Feel the anger, just don't get consumed by it, and try not to turn it on yourself so much. You're a good egg. Trust me. (*hug*)

 

(&&&)(&&&)

Yeah. Fwb. I'm stuck in that right now and sick of the fights and the sulking and the guilt tripping and

Why can't they accept us for who we are?

Because there is that thing in their heads that says lesbian isn't permanent. That we can change our minds and they will be the one to change it. That being a lesbian doesn't really count because we must want penis. It's all about their needs and what we want doesn't really matter. It's all in our heads and they'll sort us out.

I keep on saying its the last time, and I get guilt tripped into one more time, then I hate myself again.

I'm just trying to get through to Xmas. That's all. I'm not sure I can.

 

I can relate, I may a similar rant here soon, but please do not be so hard on yourself. I have also fallen into a financially dependent position and that is a part of my problem, it happens to so many of us....and although it is a tough hole to crawl out of, you are going to do it, and all this will be behind you.

I feel like whatever I say is going to sound trite and cliche, so I'll stop soon

You should know that reading your posts, your responses to others posts including mine has been really helpful to me. You are further along that I am!! We will get there!!
...and i'm turning 47 in about a frickin week!!

 

Totally agree with the whole post.


Hey Mellie, take it easy! One step at a time. You really are doing great and have gone quite far in very little time. You have realized that you are in a condition that you don´t like and you are already taking measures to change that. If I am not mistaken, you already have a job and plan on going back to an education program. You are out (that´s huge) and you have started expanding your circle and exploring a little bit your dating pool. (yes, all the lesbians you met are couples, but chances are they know other women who are single too, right?) You are already half way, really.

At 30 you are not old. NOT AT ALL!!! (What is it with Americans trying to live their whole lives so fast?). Heck, I´m 26 and I still feel almost like a teenager (living with parents and all; it´s very common here). And it´s not like you´ve spent your years doing nothing. Bringing up 2 children (and almost alone, if I get it right) is a huge deal. You may not be able to see it but it is.

Just focus on yourself for now. Work hard to get where you want to be (dont forget to have some fun, too). But notice that it will take some time. Set goals. New year is approaching; perfect time for setting goals. By the end of 2016 you will be better.

---------- Post added 3rd Dec 2015 at 02:09 AM ----------

Aww..(*hug*) (&&&)

:lol: Nope, just overwhelmed!

 

Ok, everyone. Get your coats. We're taking mellie out. And anyone else who needs a break. My treat. Please remember to use the secret handshake and leave your phones on silent.

 

Oh, I know I have different bits in some places but can I come too?

 

I completely understand this. After I came out to my aunt on Monday, it instantly became real. Now I am going through the same type of feelings as you. How can I completely break apart my family and basically restart my life? Because after 33 years, I have to be true to myself for the first time. Things will get better in time!

 

My darling you are not a coward and you aren't crazy. You are going through a HUGE change and it's FUCKING HARD. But you are going to MAKE IT. I know you are.

I send you all my love.

 

Sure! But no pouting if you don't like the entertainment when it starts.

 

No problems, bound to be a few hot guys around.

 

It's okay to be angry. I want to second everything Shadowsylke said, because it's all true!

Let this anger drive you towards the change you want for yourself. Don't just sit and be mad, and constantly think about all of these blocks in your way to what you actually want. Push through them, and get to where you need to be. Like idsm said, you're only 30 - that's still so young! Yes, you have some stuff that other 30 year olds may not have. I'm going to be 27 soon and I'm pretty far off from having kids or even thinking about marriage. I feel way too lost for it all right now, even though so many around me are already getting into those things, so I can't even imagine the stress you have while you're going through this. I had so much stress with it, and nobody to think about but myself and outside opinions. You have A LOT of life ahead of you, and even if you do have these things you see as baggage, like having been married and having had two children, it's what makes you who you are and is part of your story. And be thankful that you've figured out what you want NOW. Some people don't know until they're in their 50s and 60s, and even they somehow make it work, which means you can too.

About the trigger crush. Just laugh it off. Maybe it's my fault because I was talking about my love for mine so much and it stirred your emotions, lol. Cut her off again. I mean, is it worth it anymore? Too much is wrapped up in her for you, and maybe you just need to seal that wound completely.

Is there anyway that you can move back in with your family? I don't know what your living situation looks like, but it's been stressful for the both of you, and maybe there's a way to live apart. I know the kids and financial dependency make it so hard, and maybe you feel guilty about that, but don't. I think you have so much courage. Do you know how many people stay in relationships they're so unhappy with? Or lifestyles that aren't natural or align with their inner wants because they just figure they'll put up with it? People think that's easier, but in the long run, it's not. Leaving your husband when you can't fully love him, though momentarily painful, is actually the NICEST, most CARING thing you can do. Why doesn't he deserve HIS best chance, and for someone to love and appreciate him fully? Splitting up and having to move your children around or frazzle their life a bit, painful yes. But wanna know what's worse? Growing up in a home where their mom isn't happy, and their parents are just coexisting. I don't want to get all sappy **rolls eyes**, but life is about love. Even if that means loving what you do, or loving who you're with. If they're unable to recognize that, they may never fully understand what it is. I don't even know if that's true, so ignore it if it's not. You're so passionate and you're just trying to live a passionate life that is honest to yourself and everyone else. That's COURAGEOUS as FUCK.

 

Don't beat yourself up Mellie, you're doing amazingly and being so honest is a good thing.

It won't always be like this, this is the worst time, the middle of the process of change.

Sorry i'm too tired to type much but hugs to you, you're brave and courageous xxx

(&&&)

 

I feel like the many of us are on the east coast of the map and can make this happen. We could start a gay travel club.

 

*grabs coat* I'm with you...and I'll take a share in covering the tab (I mean, unless you just have cash to burn and really *want* to cover the entire tab...I wouldn't want to deny you of one of life's simple pleasures ).

(((((((((( Mellie )))))))))))) Tons going on, it seems. We *all* of us have huge numbers of regrets in our life. I specifically worked for *years* to live my life in such as a way that I could have no regrets...and fucked it up spectacularly...I just don't think it's possible. So sure, learn from the mistakes, and sure, be disappointed by the disappointments (they are after all a part of this life as well, and you only get one shot at this life, so you'd better appreciate the disappointments as well as the joys).

But also recognize that we *all* operate within our own set of limitations. You have yours, and they are part of you. You did what you did, because you weren't capable of doing otherwise. That's nothing to be mad at: it's something to look at and say "wow, what an interesting plot twist was written for me!" and then wonder how it'll turn out.

There are good reasons you couldn't be there for your friend at her wedding...if you could have gone, you *would* have gone, end of story, just like you'd been there for everything else. It may be shitty that your circumstances were such that you couldn't go...but you are not shitty for not going. Cut yourself slack...you are, as you say, in a dark place. You are wrestling with major demons (and those things don't wrestle fair).

On feeling like a coward for doing comfortable things...sheesh, dear, we *all* do comfortable things that are not in our self-interest. We eat foods that'll lead to weight gain or diabetes, we watch a movie instead of exercising, we watch TV instead of reading or learning something new, we get our news through the Daily Show rather than actual news media, we buy things we can't afford, we make long posts on social media instead of doing real work...so, so, so many things humans do that we *knew we shouldn't* or *promised ourselves we wouldn't, or wouldn't any more*. And all we can ever say when we have these things brought to our attention is either (a) yeeeeees, I'm a terrible person; or (b) hey, seemed like a good idea at the time. I advocate (b) as the more realistic. Again, cut yourself slack...you're human.

Oh, and you can only think about being gay, because we can only live without having an important basic need met for so long, before it starts to dominate our thoughts. Try holding your breath for a minute or two, and see how long you can go without thinking about breathing. Or stop eating for a day or two and see how long you can go without thinking about food. [Disclaimer: these are meant to be thought experiments; the author takes no responsibility for loss of consciousness, low blood sugar, or malnutrition due to lack of air or food.] You'll see what I mean. I'm right there with ya...just in reverse, kindasorta.

And finally, your husband is also a limited individual. He is trying hard to understand what the limits are here (because let's face it, as a guy in this society, he isn't used to being handed many limits, so it's strange territory to him, no doubt). Yes, it's glaringly obvious to *you* that you're gay...so duh, no guys, thanks. But that's less obvious to him. He wants to make absolutely sure you're gay...sure you are *absolutely* gay, and not the teeniest bit available for sex. Of any kind. Not even once every two or three weeks. It's his version of denial and bargaining, and it's as natural as it is maddening. It's ok to want to drop-kick him...but if you at all can...stop short of actually drop-kicking him...'cause he can't help it any more than you could help getting into this relationship.

I know this all falls far short of actually being comforting. If you want comfort, then I can at least say that it'll get better. And then better. And finally, better. You'll still have limitations...because you're human (have I mentioned that?). But you'll have moved past this particular set of heartache and difficulty.

Until then...martinis are good...*warm hugs* from friends are good. Smart-arses on the internet are even sometimes good. But mostly, try to relax a bit, and understand that everyone including you is doing their best to deal with a difficult situation. And if their best isn't good enough...it's at least the most you can expect.

*warm hugs*

 

I saw this come up on my FB the other day, and it was seriously great timing. I love it.
It's a Humans of New York quote.

 

^^ all. of. this.

:eusa_clap:eusa_clap:eusa_clap

Holy crapola. Where's that praise emoji when you need it?

I wanna print this.