*weeps* I thought it was just me

I don't know why it hurts so much!! I'm so sorry you are hurt, but please keep reading and posting here, this community helped me SO MUCH. Did you fall in love with a woman? Did you realize something on your own? We're here if you want to vent.

You're not alone. It sucks realizing things at first, but you're not alone.

 

Oh how I know these feeings. It's so frustrating, why did I do this to myself? Why can't I go back in time and give myself the benefit of all that I've learned since? Why can't i just be straight so I don't have to deal with this mess?

There are always options, you always have a choice. Remember that and give yourself time to process it.

And come here often. It's amazing to talk to people in the same boat.

 

It's interesting how we can be in the same situations and still be at very different phases.

I passed through the phase of kicking myself for not knowing when I was younger, though it took quite a while (and some tears). And yet I'm still in the place where I believe I can put it in a box and shove it away.

You have at least realized that much, and that's pretty important.

It's so hard. I don't know what the right thing for you is, but are there any LGBT meetings on meetup.com where you are? For me I found the most comfort connecting with people who are going through my struggles. So I'm on here a lot and at meetups a lot, and I'm fortunate that my hubs accepts it and wants me to go find myself if I want, as long as I stay married to him.

This is not an easy thing you're doing. Many of us stay in the closet forever, or lurk on EC but never post. I think you've come a long way. I can't imagine going through this before the internet.

How long does the hurting last? I heard a quote somewhere, I'll try not to butcher it:

Coming out of the closet is like unfolding a map from your glove compartment as you drive through life. Once you manage to unfold it, you can never manage to fold it back up and cram it back in. It just kind of sits beside you while you drive for the rest of the journey.

What makes it hurt less is coming here (for me). Why does it hurt so much? I believe because suddenly you are in touch with your emotions and feelings and maybe you haven't been, not really, for many many years. Hugs!

 

Yeah, you've come to the right place. We're all at various stages of working out how to deal with this.
The realization that I am lesbian has turned my world upside down.
Talk, talk, talk some more. Let yourself work through it all. It will be hard, and you may be shocked at where you end up, but it's too late to go back into the box now.
Congrats at getting this far.
(&&&)

 

There are choices but sometimes it takes some time before they are apparent. It's taken me a while but I have gradually come to the belief that no one is directly responsible for someone else's happiness. We are each responsible for our own. It is not my job to make my wife happy, it is my job to be me the best me possible. That alone should make her happy. That doesn't mean we are self centered or can't make sacrifices but at our core, we must address our own needs first and I have learned the hard way that if we do that then everything else follows. We should live openly and unashamedly as our authentic selves and the people who love us should love us for that authenticity and love our true nature. If they do not, then simply they love us for who they want us to be not for who we are, which isn't love at all.

Now kids conplicate matters, I know I am a father... Yet I would rather my kids grow up with a father who is content, authentic, reaponsible and loving and leads by an example as someone who makes the right choices even if they are hard.

Sadly people are hurting and will hurt because of me but they will be hurt more if I stay. This choice to separate is one of short term pain but long term gain. I also feel that my pain would be greatly amplified if I had stayed in the marriage which would ultimately lead to much worse impact on those arround me.

Your situation may be different but yet you still have to ask, can I live as an authentic person and stay in my relationship. The answer may be yes. or no.

 

Welcome! I think my posts will especially resonate with you---we had almost the same experience except I fell for a particular woman and then broadened my interest when I realized what that meant. I went through anger, desire, sadness, shame (bc I wanted more than my hubby) and ultimately acceptance.

Bi2me's posts might also be good for you to read.

 

Hi Wanderingmind,

I appreciate your post here, and can completely relate to your story: I always ask myself why I was so scared; why I denied my attractions to women, why I didn't come out (even if just to myself) earlier in my life. I'm 38 now, married 10 years. I only acknowledged I was bi two years ago. I'm also in a (relatively) happy marriage, and my husband reacted in a similar way to how you described yours: He said, 'Well, as long as you don't fall in love with a woman and leave me.' Unlike most men, though, he doesn't lust after the idea of two women together or a threesome.

I fell in love (emotionally, anyway) with my best friend who I 'met' online a few years ago. She noticed it and finally told me she knew, and told me it was ok if I was bi. That's when I realized I had a name for how I felt (I had really only known either gay or straight before). We are still good friends, and have since met in real life. My crush has abated some, but I always think that, if we had met earlier in our lives, and if she was more bi than she is (she's had a crush on one woman in her life, unexpectedly, and it wasn't me)--then I would have been happy with her.

I still love my husband very much, but I recognize that 'ache' you describe. I don't have an answer, really, other than to say maybe the ache is not about a particular woman, but is more about how we spent years denying our true selves. Maybe that is where the regret comes in.

 

I'm not sure how to pull out a single quote here, but when you wrote "It's like I'm erasing myself" is exactly how it feels to me, too.

Maybe the ache we feel is that we are in mourning.

 

Hey Wan,

Welcome to EC!

How long the hurting lasts depends on the cause and nature of the hurt.

You say you are bisexual. So what is the nature of your pain? Is it simply accepting that you have same-sex attraction? Is it that you feel a strong urge to experience sex with another woman? Is it fear about how your husband will react? Or does he know and has reacted badly?

Personally, I've never had pain over the *fact* that I'm bisexual, nor have I cared much what others thought about it (can't help who I'm attracted to, so fuck'em).

For me, it has been a slow growing sensation of *need* to actualize both sides of my sexuality, despite being in a longstanding (29-year) monogamous same-sex relationship.

I've also had issues with discovering that I seem to be polyamorous by nature (i.e., I can love more than one person at a time...in fact, can't stop being in love with multiple people...which is agonizing in the long run when you're in a monogamous relationship). But this I do not consider (necessarily) part of my bisexuality...just one more damned thing to contend with.

So...hey...what're you in for?

 

It's definitely not just you. And yes, it hurts tremendously. Feel free to vent it all here. (*hug*)

 

Please, call me Annika...I just put the "bi" at the start there to distinguish myself from all the straight and gay Annika's they have around here.

Your sexuality is absolutely determined by your attractions rather than your experience...just like the manymany gay people here who have never had a same-sex experience. You needn't cling to the label. It is yours...nobody here will try to take it from you.

A quick tip on the whisky though: buy the good stuff, and sip it.

I'm sorry about issues caused by upbringing and association with religion. My parents have faith, but taught us that God loves everybody. So when I started thinking my own spiritual thoughts, at least I wasn't hit with a load of hypocrisy...it was less disgust with God and more disgust with religions that pretend to know what God wants...that are miraculously right in line with what the religious people want (they find gay people icky? surprise! so does God!). I always feel terrible for LGBT people who have internalized *any* degree of religious message against being LGBT...'cause it's based on intolerance rather than deity.

I realize you're looking to be out and proud and not to be invisible, etc. But I always wonder about this kind of thing. Do you tell your kids what *guys* you find attractive? Your sexual tastes and all? If not, then I don't see why you'd be telling them that you want to have sex with women. I guess I just don't get the relevance to their lives. I mean, I wouldn't recommend lying to them...buy as my "closet" label suggests, I'm neither a hider nor a screamer. When it becomes relevant (including when someone says something that clearly assumes an incorrect sexuality for me), I address it; otherwise, why should I?

Oh fuck. I was kinda hoping (for your sake) that it was just issues with accepting that you're bi, or something like that. I'm afraid the pain could last for some time. I've posted quite a bit on the topic of polyamory, and about my exact situation...you might glance at some of those, while you're checking into the Cap'n and bi2me's posts.

Best advice I can give here is to keep talking to him. Keep him appraised of where you are. Don't let him forget that this is an unmet need for you...not that you're asking for his blessing in satisfying that need (if you aren't), but that this is painful for you, and that that pain should be acknowledged. Draw him out on his assertions that he wouldn't mind if you kissed a woman...get him to realize (if) he's deluding himself there...and also let him know your thoughts that a kiss is not even close to the extent of what you want.

I know I thought for a long time that my partner would never accept anything other than monogamy. Things have changed somewhat. But it's still a long, long road. The pain has lasted...but I can say that it comes and goes in waves...and that feeling it is far better than not feeling it (and it's healthier to feel it than not to feel it). Isn't that ironic?

My own ouroboros deals with the competing needs for expanded sexuality, but yet with safety and emotional stability. But my partner is (I suspect) quite different from your husband. As you say, can't have one without killing the other.