I'm 41 and I guess I began to accept the idea that I was a lesbian sometime in my late 20s or early 30's. It's not that I suddenly "discovered" it or even that I was in denial, it was more like, up until my late teens, I really had no concept of it. I can vividly remember having an intense crush on a girl in 5th grade, and many others after that, but it would never occur to me at that time to think of it as a "lesbian crush." I grew up in a series of small, rural, conservative towns in a time before the Internet and before being gay was really talked about much, outside of the AIDs crisis and even that was mostly focused on gay men. My parents never had any kind of "sex" talk with me, let alone touched on the subject of being gay. I was considered a "tomboy" through my grade and middle school years because of my interests and because I didn't like to wear dresses or makeup and showed no interest in dating boys. Once I got to high school, the lesbian rumors started to circulate and that's probably when I shifted from being just kind of completely un-self-aware to ignoring the issue. I knew I was attracted to women and that I was not interested in men, but it just wasn't something I wanted to deal with. Having always felt like an outsider for various reasons, I just didn't want one more thing on my plate that made me "different." I had a lot of flirty, romantic "friendships" with various women, but I never officially dated anyone and I didn't think of myself as being a lesbian. My transition towards acceptance was somewhat complicated by having a close friend (we've known each other close to 20 years now) who was extremely paranoid about people thinking she might be a lesbian (I have no idea why and have never really asked) and for a time she was somewhat passive aggressive towards me because she feared the fact that we were friends and for a time room mates, would drag her in the web of suspicion that I might be gay, making her gay by association or something. As a result, I became rather defensive about the whole subject, when I probably should have just told her to deal with it or find a new friend or at least asked her why she was so worried about it in the first place. For the record, I never had any romantic interest in her, though I'm pretty sure she thought I did and she's still on the list of people I've never officially come out to, because while she professes to be a straight ally, I'm pretty sure she'd be weirded out by it and I just don't want to deal with her delusions of attraction :> Sometime in my late 20s/early 30s, I started to become more comfortable in my own skin and that was when I was able to get comfortable with the label, though I have never made any big "coming out" speech. It's pretty much been on a "need to know" basis. My other friends who are lesbians know. Obviously, the women I've been involved with know. I'm guessing most of my straight friends suspect, but it's never been confirmed nor denied. I avoid the subject with my parents, because my Mom is very uncomfortable about it and my Dad is a straight up homophobe. I don't fear their rejection, it's more that I just don't want to deal with it. Considering my age and that I've never had a boyfriend or gotten married, I think deep down, they probably know what's up but don't want to acknowledge it any more than I do. I suppose, my status with them is more or less "glass closet." My main reason for wandering in here I suppose is that the LGBT community where I live is pretty small, and I've moved away from my friends that know in order to take care of my aging parents, who don't, so it's nice to be able to connect with other people who have been through the same thing.
