Am I the only one?

You are definitely not the only one don't worry when you look around in the real world it may seem as if everybody saw things clearly but in reality there are many questioning people around (rises hand). I dont know why people around seem so sure of everything, it may be frustrating... it is for me.

Anyway, why does she think you were in love? What makes you question your sexuality? Do you find sings that you like the opposite sex, though?

 

Wooow you really sound a lot like me to be honest, so hey you are not alone

See, asexuality exists, it means you are not attracted neither to boys nor girls. I had reasons to believe I was that (like you, Ive got no sexual experience and the thought of sex has always freaked me out - ive recently changed my perspective, though). I posted about it a couple of days ago and I was told the percentage of asexual people is really low and most people who feel that way is not because they are asexual but because they have other psychological issues going one and once they solve them, they start having normal sexual attraction. So, it could be that you are asexual but it could also be that it is related to those depressions you speak of. And I really believe this is the case because, well the matter of asexuality is still not clear but many people believe one can be asexual and still have sex because asexuality =/= sexual aversion. Its just, not being interested. Instead of being freaked out which is what seems to happen to you, and to me. Maybe when this "being freaked out" feeling goes away, its replaced by this desire you say you don't have.

Also, some people separate romantic love from sexual attraction, while others claim such a difference does not exist. Anyway, if there was such a difference, it could be that you had this romantic love for your friend but not sexual attraction.

I wish I could give you more specific information but I hope knowing that there are more people going through something similar gives you some comfort. In my case I have decided to attend a therapist to see if my "asexuality" is not such, which is what I suspect. I see that you are already go to one so you may bring up the topic to her, or to see what she thinks?

 

Yeah its hard to talk about these things face to face I know

For the record, I don't think you are gay, of course your therapist should know better and maybe you are, but from what you say, it seems to me you were having a bad time and you found comfort in speaking with her. Also, there's all the kinsey scale blablabla well, theories that say that people who are mostly straight can also fall for people of the same sex in some specific ocasions.

 

No. You're not the only one. And I didn't even have any relationships remotely romantic with men to confuse the issue but it still never occurred to me I was gay. I always just thought I'm not the relationship kind of person. I'm perfectly nice and have lots to offer but I was never interested enough to try to get to know any guy well enough.

Now, looking back, how could I be anything else but gay? Even without any encounters with any girls on my part, on paper, there'd be no question. But still, it never occurred to me until very recently. So, no, you're not alone.

 

I considered that I might be asexual a few years ago. I didn't have my first boyfriend until I was 28 (had never even dated before that); got married at age 29, but had a lot of sexuality problems right off the bat. (He was inexperienced, too; we were both virgins and each other's first serious relationship). Even though I had had crushes on women from a distance for years before that, I never once really thought I was lesbian or even bi.

It took us three long years before we were successful in the sex department. I thought there was something wrong with me, and yet I had a very active imagination and got turned on by explicit passages in books or videos online, so I didn't think I was truly without sexual desire. I was going through depression and anxiety during this time, too, so that probably didn't help. The night of our honeymoon, when things didn't happen in bed, my husband got mad and yelled at me. I should have taken this as a warning sign, but instead, I blamed myself.

Things have improved since then, but I still often fantasize about being with a woman. Logically, I do know that women can be just as messed up as men when it comes to personality issues, or whatever it might be --but I've always been more connected to women emotionally. I would /think/ this might help any hangups or aversions I have about sex in general.

My husband remains preoccupied with things like how often we are intimate, and gets upset if I want to skip a night we had originally planned. It's like he thinks someone is looking down at him and judging his 'performance' or 'how often'.

So, basically, I agree that sometimes supposed 'asexuality' can mean that there can be emotional or mental issues at work that are affecting how you feel. Or, you may not have met the right person. At least in my experience, I know now that I have to be emotionally 'safe' and accepted in order to feel desire. For a long time in my marriage, this wasn't my experience, and there are times here and there when it continues to be an issue. (I should add that my husband is not an uncaring, abusive person, but just emotionally immature and depressed a lot of the time).

 

A few thoughts - don't know if they can be of any help

I think depression and anxiety can "hide" many feelings, like curiosity and desire, and I think it makes us less spontaneous and less in the moment. My experience with depression is that it's agenda is to have us work a problem that doesn't really exist. It wants us to stop doing things and stay indoors working problems without solutions. Like, say, "should I call myself gay or straight".

Now of course there are answers to that question. I'm not saying we can't decide what label to use. But it's not a math problem. The answer is complex, and we begin to find it in our feelings, I think. The question is not necessarily "What am I?", but maybe "What type of action do I want to take?", based on whatever it is we're feeling. Could you let go of attempting to "figure it out" - just a little? Instead, what would you like to do? Would you like to meet some queer people? You don't have to have sex with anybody or anything. Just notice how you're feeling in the moment. My advice would be to conduct little experiments like that and just be present with yourself. It could stir things up in a good way.

For me, I never saw signs of being gay looking back at my life either, until my vision drastically changed one day. Really. And then I could see lots of signs, they just weren't the stereotypical ones or whatever. Right now I'm going back and forth between feeling mostly gay and feeling undefined.

I'd say that it's not really important to know how to label yourself, but it's very important to know what you are feeling - being connected to your curiosity, your desire, life-affirming emotions

Feel free to toss my thoughts out the window if they don't feel right for you

 

Yeah, I understand. I've dealt with my own share of anxiety and depression and it really puts a lid on spontaneity and lust for life. Sending hugs your way! (*hug*) You deserve to be happy.

The reason I've seen myself as mostly asexual is that I've felt undeserving of love and connection. I used to think I was such a horrible person that I could never touch the beauty, the magic, the loveliness, sexiness and sacredness of connecting romantically with another girl. That was just "too good" for me, and I felt that if I tried, I'd be put to shame. Because a low-life such as me should never aim that high.

So, as you can tell, I've had a lot of issues with self-hate. I can say that how I feel about myself presently is so different it almost seems like that was in another life. This has allowed me to open the doors to my desire and longing today. I can feel those emotions fully and feel their strength.

I used to pick men, I think, because it was safe. I didn't feel worthy of the connection I longed for, so I let connections with men "happen" to me, and they were safe because my heart weren't in them. I knew the men desired me because I was a woman (as I logically concluded), so the payoff was that I got to cash in on affection while risking nothing. I got to be shy in the relationship and passive in bed. No, it wasn't fun. I kept thinking I was sexually inhibited. Just like you, I felt scared about having sex with a man, but could still get aroused.

I get what you say about freaking out at the thought of sex with a woman, too. I think those kinds of fears could be performance anxiety, the horrible idea that we have to "know what to do". But good sex is really about tuning into the moment and the sensations I keep harping on about that, haha

Oh no, don't say that! I'm sure you're very in touch with what you're feeling, maybe you just don't have words for it. Or maybe it's hard for you to dismiss what you're feeling to focus on things outside yourself? That's how it was for me anyhow. You are the authority on you, and you know so much that nobody else would be able to express when it comes to your reality. Trust yourself!

I don't think you are consciously avoiding emotions. Why would you? I think that the body simply numbs them, just like when a muscle becomes stiff and stale. Surprisingly, a lot of body work can help with this. Anything that involves activating your body. I recommend exercise! Or dancing, walking, tai chi, singing or playing music, sports, climbing trees, doing garden work - anything physical. No thinking allowed! (*hug*)

 

Well, the complete lack of interest in guys. In school, the only time I paid attention to them was to identify the smartest one and to make sure I got higher grades than him on tests. At university, I studied something that had very few, if any, guys in my classes and I made no effort to put myself in situations where I might meet some.

Besides that, while I didn't have any full blown crushes on any girls, there certainly were girls around that I "admired", wanted to impress, found fascinating, and invariably made me think about them whenever they were around me.

I'm quite an emotionally controlled person so I was never overwhelmed by my feelings and I expect that's why it's taken me so long to figure this out but once I came here and compared bits and pieces of my experiences to others, it's all started to make sense.

 

You're definitely not alone! I had a similar experience. Never thought about anything with women until someone came along senior year of college. It's still hard for me sometimes and I question myself because I haven't had a relationship with a woman yet, I do know that I am at the very least bi, though. I agree with what others have said here, you should do what you can to find yourself. I spent over a year sitting in paralyzingly confusion over my sexuality. I had a different experience, though. I knew I was in love with a girl. I can't say that you were in love with this person. It doesn't really sound like it, but it seems that the question of if you were or not has shaken you enough to keep you stuck in that question, so I'd say there's a chance for it. Also, and I don't know how your therapy sessions are, but it seems like your therapist is making decisions for you. Again, I don't know what your situation is or there when you're in therapy, but you should think these thoughts aside from what your therapist says. Do you have obsessive thoughts? That could be a reason you're not able to move forward. Though, if you really sit and allow yourself to think about some things (try to stop avoiding how you feel), you might be able to figure it out. Try to put yourself out there, just so you can at least move on with your life. If you sit within yourself and continue to question instead of going out and living the question, you're not going to get an answer.

Keep talking to us here. The writing and thinking could be a good way for you to figure things out.

 

I know exactly what you mean about not knowing what you feel. I'm totally like that! But I think you can think of it slightly differently. I don't feel bottled up tightly, I feel I haven't known myself well enough and now not found someone who evokes these controlled emotions in me. I'm positive once I find someone, I'll be just as emotional as the next person.

 

Apologies. I couldn't tell, from what you said, it sounded like you were just talking about how much you like talking to that certain girl and then your therapist said that you were in love with her even though you're questioning it so much. Well, obviously that's good!

 

I'm not 'questioning', I'm absolutely certain of my sexuality but haven't been in a relationship for nearly 12 years.

In the past I would have described myself as either straight or bi, all my 'proper' relationships were with men but I have had intimate relationships although brief with women in the past. It's taken a long time to distance from that and to heal some of the trauma and sickness related to my dysfunction in being with men.

I feel that I could start dating again now and I'd like to meet a nice woman for company, hanging out, and yep sex would be really great! But it's been a long time I've been out of the game and I'm a little socially awkward nowadays and have some life situation probs that don't make me the best ever bet for a great woman.

It's all process. You don't have to make decisions or take actions, you can just accept being in a state of change and feeling unsure. When you feel certain, you'll know. I did. Although it took me long enough!