Need a little advice/encouragement

What will waiting until after Christmas achieve? What will it hinder? How do you think your wife is going to take the news? What are your plans immediately after you tell her? Do you have an emergency exit strategy in case she kicks you out?

I can't answer if it's wrong to tell them before you tell your wife. I can tell you that my husband told me on December 15 last year - he wanted to wait until after Christmas as well, give us "one more" holiday, but he honestly could not hide it the day he told me. I actually appreciate that he gave me an honest holiday instead of a fake, happy holiday. If he had waited until after Christmas and told me he'd come out to himself in June/July, I would have known the holiday was fake and I think it would have been that much more painful. I also was one of the first people he told, and I appreciate that as well. I think it would have felt more of a betrayal if half my world knew before I did (even though, apparently they did - or at least they had thought he was gay for quite some time).

We didn't tell the kids until after Christmas, but we were getting along ok - actually better than we had in years, so their holiday wasn't fake. They're also all teenagers and older, so that helped as well.

I know he had an emergency exit strategy lined up in case I kicked him out - I think he half expected me to do so - and I think that's of utmost importance in your situation, regardless of when you tell her.

I don't know if any of this was helpful, but I wish you the best and offer you all the peace you can find in living your authentic life.

 

I can't give you experienced advice. However, more than once, I have read people on here in similar circumstances encourage those in this situation to tell other trusted loved ones before telling their spouse. I would agree that it's a safe thing to do. You feel that your wife is your best friend, which she might be, and that you owe her the truth before anyone else, but things can turn sour quickly. Because of that, it's great to have people who love and care for you know your situation; you will need their support during and after the process.

 

I do agree that you need some support people before you tell her. Like I said in my previous post, I was one of the first people he told, so he did have some support. And they encouraged him to come out to me - I'm not sure what their take on the timing was, though. So definitely have at least one (and you do) person in your corner, especially in case you need an emergency exit.

 

With all of that information, I would agree that it might be best to wait until after the holiday. There really is no right time to do this, unfortunately! I would suggest, though, to pick a date by which you definitely will tell her and stick to that. If he hadn't told me when he did, I know it would have stretched on - his parents' 50th anniversary was mid-January, and then Valentine's day, and then two of the kids' birthdays... it's always something. Christmas is important, but after that, try not to get bogged down in all the other occasions that may come up.

Again, I'm wishing you the best, and peace, and a wonderful holiday. Waiting will also give you time to get your ducks more in a row and have a good plan in place.

 

Yeah mate, wait till after Christmas. Your first priority in this case is your child. Use the time to find someone to support you when you do come out, and have that exit strategy in place.
I've told my two oldest (both adults) but I'm waiting till after Xmas to tell the younger ones. And mine are far older than yours.

 

Con:
It's such 'juicy gossip' that even the strongest friendships may be tested not to tell anyone. It's very sad but some people view things like this. If they're married, they may tell their wife, etc etc.. not everyone can be trusted unfortunately.

I think you wanted to tell your Aunt first, because she wouldn't view it as 'juicy gossip' and her reaction and acceptance totally confirmed that. But just be careful telling it to lesser important people in your life before your wife.

Pro:
If you're 100% sure they won't tell anyone else... they can be a great 'practice' and 'sounding board' and also it will be a relief to tell others. Some of the weight might be lifted.

I agree with others for the sake of your son wait until after Christmas until you share it with your wife.

Do you have any idea how she would react at all? There's a TV show Gracie and Frankie... you could mention it to her and see if any opinions on it? Mention it with other Netflix shows as not to arouse suspicion?

I'm glad you can go to your dads if the need arises. Our thoughts are with you through this month.

---------- Post added 3rd Dec 2015 at 05:18 PM ----------

I just found this on CapColors wall, it may be helpful:
http://emptyclosets.com/forum/blogs/salegayguy/7925-blog-entry-3a-notes-i-gave-my-wife-when-i-came-out.html

 

Since you have a refuge (your dad's) and moral support (your aunt), I don't think you should tell anyone else before you tell your wife. I'm pretty sure she'd forgive you for telling your aunt first, but she might not feel as charitable if you told a raft of friends. Personally, I would tell her before Christmas, but in any case, you should set a firm deadline, since as driedroses said, it's easy to let it drag on. If you do wait until after Christmas, you might want to spend some of your time researching what your legal rights are vis à vis your child; I doubt it's as cut and dried as you seem to think, i.e., I doubt your wife could just find a judge who would grant her sole custody on the basis of your unemployment. Good luck!

 

I'm leaning toward Weston's advice.

I don't think you should let you kick her out though? Like why do you have to leave? You're gay, not cheating. I would be prepared to fight for your place in your kid's life. Little things matter, and agreeing to vacate an snowball into other concessions.

also, I guess if one of you has to leave for a while consider letting her leave instead. I know if my husband dropped the gay bomb I'd have him watch the kid while -I- got to skip off have have a melt down with my friends and family.