Hi everyone, I feel like an idiot for even wondering about this (I tend to overthink things in general), but I just wanted to run this by you and see if anyone had any thoughts: I met my best friend online a few years ago, and crushed hard on her when I was feeling emotionally absent in my own marriage (she is happily married for the most part). Things have since improved for me, as well. Anyway, we met in real life recently and it went well. Despite her having struggled with social anxiety, she admitted later on that she was more comfortable with me in person than she had expected (her husband was also with us for this trip, by the way). Now we are back to communicating online. Our primary means of communication is via Facebook private message. We often will message multiple times per day. I also post a lot on my Facebook page; usually any updates about exciting things going on in my life, pictures, or inspirational or spiritual sayings. She only occasionally posts on hers, but will often include a lot of spiritual things, which is an interest we share. I always 'like' or comment on her posts. She will 'like' or comment on the posts of mutual online friends of ours. The odd thing is that she never 'likes' or comments on anything I post. Like, ever. She used to, but ever since our meeting, there is absolutely no interaction. For example: She never wished me happy birthday on my page, even though the birthday alert was up. Also, I had sent her a couple of gifts in the mail after she suffered a health issue, which I had put a lot of thought into, and she never acknowledged them until after I finally asked if they had arrived. Even though we have a lot in common and she has liked or commented on my Facebook postings in the past, now there is nothing. Meanwhile, when she posts things, I will 'like' and/or comment on them, because, well, I do! Oddly, the only time she interacts publicly with me on Facebook at all is through a 'feel-good quotes' page that I administer anonymously (she knows I run it). I'm sure this probably sounds petty and I apologize in advance if it comes across that way. I just think it's weird that she would bother to interact with others' pages, the page I administer, and even update her own, but completely ignore mine, especially when she used to interact with me before. Any thoughts?
At first I thought that for some reason she didn´t want your interaction to be seen in public. Hence the private messages and the page post, but no likes and wall posts (perhaps she´s afraid someone might catch that there is sort of a dynamic between you two? her husband? perhaps he expressed a concern about how close you are with his wife and she tries to ´hide´ your friendship from him?) Then I read about your bday and the gift thing. That was not cool. She could have thanked you via pm.. It sounds to me that she is confused. I mean, she´s not a touchy person but goes all over you when she meets you. And after the trip she changes the way she communicates with you. She´s hot and cold. She doesn´t stop talking to you, but she is more discreet... I don´t know. It´s weird. Give her some time and see how this goes. Meanwhile, treat her the same way you did before the trip. Hey, nothing´s petty. We are here to discuss everything that troubles or bothers us.
Hi idsm, thanks so much for you take on this. I agree that it is weird, and somewhat unsettling. But then again, she's always been a bit of an enigma to me. I know she is going through a lot right now, with a sudden health issue and depression. She continues to confide in me privately like always. Given our history (with my crush on her, and the flirty exchanges we've had --albeit mostly by PM --in the past)--I could see how meeting me in person could have been a little overwhelming for her in a number of ways. We have talked of meeting again at some point in the future. (In fact, when I wrote her the other day complaining about my lack of friends where I live, her response was that she basically didn't get along with anyone and that 'We need to live closer together.'). As for the gift thing, I know I am particularly sensitive to that, but that's because I enjoy it so much. I know it's not everyone's preferred way to express feelings. But to acknowledge it (even if it's just a 'Hey; your gift came in the mail, thanks' would have been nice. She did thank me after I asked if she had gotten it, told me she had 'forgotten to mention it' and that it had shown up the day before. Anyway, I honestly hadn't considered that maybe her husband might have noticed a vibe that made him concerned. He seems easygoing and laid back, but of course that's only my initial impression over a 2-day stretch. Or maybe he's fine and it's more that she is monitoring her interactions with me more diligently for her own sake. (Also, this just occurred to me: What if she had told him at some point in the past about my crush on her? What if he knew going into this?? Omg, I had never thought of that.....I hope he doesn't know). I plan on continuing to interact with her like always, and be an emotional support. I only hope that I haven't freaked her out somehow.
I've been in her situation way too many time, since I've met most of my friends online and I have severe social anxiety. Now, everyone works differently, but maybe my experience with it might help you understand her? I'm gonna take one friend and trip in particular for this example. We met through instagram and talked fairly much, decided to go on a concert together and that I would stay at her place for the weekend. We did, everything was great, we had a good time and got really close to eachother during that weekend. But the longer time it went after I got home again.. The more awful I felt. Did I say that wrong? Was I too ungrateful for the stay? Did I say inappropriate things? Did she think I met her just to have a place to stay for the concert? The list of questions and worries that comes along with social anxiety is endless, and always all of them come after so she beeing fun during your meeting have nothing to do with it. Back to my personal story her, after I got home my life became the biggest mess in my life and it have been for 1.5 until now, where I'm slowly trying to start talking to all my friends again. I haven't started to talk to her though, because I'm still scared of all those things, and that she's annoyed with me because I haven't stayed in touch for so long... Now back to you, it is a little strange that she didn't thank you for the gift but she might have recived it when she had an really awful day, and those days sometimes makes you forget even the most important things. Hence why you didn't get to hear about it later either. It could be just with me, a combination of bad things. First social anxiety worries after your meeting then her personal life being messy. What do helps if you have these worries, is to get them said out loud. If she's too scared to tell you what's wrong herself. Try and be reassuring and tell her that, if something is worrying her, about something she might have said or done or afraid of doing to you. Or that her personal life right now is making her distant and maybe a bad friend (this is kind of typical things you worry about), that it's ok. You're not angry or anything you just wanna know if she's alright, what's wrong and what you could do to help. I hope you'll get any kind of answers from this! Good luck.
I've been in her situation way too many time, since I've met most of my friends online and I have severe social anxiety. Now, everyone works differently, but maybe my experience with it might help you understand her? I'm gonna take one friend and trip in particular for this example. We met through instagram and talked fairly much, decided to go on a concert together and that I would stay at her place for the weekend. We did, everything was great, we had a good time and got really close to eachother during that weekend. But the longer time it went after I got home again.. The more awful I felt. Did I say that wrong? Was I too ungrateful for the stay? Did I say inappropriate things? Did she think I met her just to have a place to stay for the concert? The list of questions and worries that comes along with social anxiety is endless, and always all of them come after so she beeing fun during your meeting have nothing to do with it. Back to my personal story her, after I got home my life became the biggest mess in my life and it have been for 1.5 until now, where I'm slowly trying to start talking to all my friends again. I haven't started to talk to her though, because I'm still scared of all those things, and that she's annoyed with me because I haven't stayed in touch for so long... Now back to you, it is a little strange that she didn't thank you for the gift but she might have recived it when she had an really awful day, and those days sometimes makes you forget even the most important things. Hence why you didn't get to hear about it later either. It could be just with me, a combination of bad things. First social anxiety worries after your meeting then her personal life being messy. What do helps if you have these worries, is to get them said out loud. If she's too scared to tell you what's wrong herself. Try and be reassuring and tell her that, if something is worrying her, about something she might have said or done or afraid of doing to you. Or that her personal life right now is making her distant and maybe a bad friend (this is kind of typical things you worry about), that it's ok. You're not angry or anything you just wanna know if she's alright, what's wrong and what you could do to help. I hope you'll get any kind of answers from this! Good luck.
Thanks for your insight. IrishJ: You asked when we could see each other again, and unfortunately, I don't know. With her injury, she's sidelined right now, and has to have more surgery before she is in the clear. At this point, I'm guessing next summer at the earliest. Riz; Thanks for the insight into social anxiety. I do have an anxiety disorder, myself, but not social anxiety, so your insights into what might have been going on in her head after meeting helps me consider some things I hadn't before. I also know that she has been really 'down' emotionally since the injury. Earlier in this thread, idsm had wondered if my friend had for some reason not wanted to interact with me publicly on Facebook. I went back to her page just now and noticed for the first time that, whenever I shared anything on my friend's timeline, that it showed up with a padlock symbol that said "shared with people tagged". This went back even before our meeting happened. To be fair, I don't know if any of her other friends post on her timeline things that they think she might enjoy --but in my case, the things I share aren't that personal. It's stuff like cute cat pictures, or a poster that says "Deep conversations are priceless.' Yet every time I've shared anything, no matter how non-personal, she seems to put it on padlock. The one time she posted something to the rest of her Facebook friends was a picture of us together when we met, and admittedly, that is more important than the stuff I share anyway. I know it's her timeline and she can run it the way she chooses (I am usually annoyed when people post to my timeline, but if it's something I like, I will leave it up, share it with my friends, and hit 'like'. So, maybe she just really values privacy?? I guess I'm more of an open book in general, so that could also play a part in how I perceive things.
