Hi! Its me again! I feel lm posting a lot but I just have so many doubts/questions/frustrations. Theres a few things on my mind. Dont expect answers or advicd but I just need to let it out. 1. My mom. She is spectacular and I know she is trying her best to be supportive and understanding. But i also know shes having a really hard time with this. She hasnt been sleeping at night since the day i fully came out to her, she acts like its not happening and she is treating me normal but whenever the topic comes up with anyone she seems visibly upset. Shes been crying because she thinks she wont have grandchildren now (im her only child). Even though i still wAnt and can have kids. In fact, with suspicion that I wasnt straight i have ALWAYS said i want to adopt... I just feel like I need to apologIze to her and i dont want her to suffer. Shes been so amazing to me all my life and she is so supportive but i just feel how much its hurting her and i feel guilt and sadness. And if i end up being in a relationshop id be so scared to bring her home. Not because my family wont accept her or will be weird, but because i know itll hurt my mom secretly. :icon_sad: 2. My trigger crush. Im doing a lot better and I finally feel like im moving on but for some reason, whenever anyone close to me that doesnt know the story asks me about her, i get word vomit and spill. Some of them know her on a personal level but arent friends with her. And she doesnt live here anymore and its likely i wont see her again and neither will they, but i feel guilty for telling poeple. and yet i cannot stop telling people about it whenever they ask me how shes doing. Idk whyyy i cant stop telling people but it just spills out. And im terrified she will find out that ive told people because she hasnt told a soul. Not even her twin sister. 3. My sexuality. I know I like women but I havent been phisically intimate with one and although the idea excites me, I AM SO SCARED. Additionally, Ive been coming to terms with me possibly being a lesbian but in the past week ive been unexpectedly so attracted to some men!! Like wtf. I neeever check out men and all of a sudden Im so interested? Ughh. Its not that I need to label myself but im just so confused... 4. That date. I had so much fun on the date and Im so interested in this girl. But my friends have brought up things out of curiosity that confused me. They asked me if I could tell the difference between meeting a new friend and meeting a potential live interest when i was with her. And im not entirely sure. I mostly felt like she was really cool and i wanted to know more about her. And i felt giddy after. But is that how people feel with friends too? How can I tell? And am i forcing it? Ugh... And this girl texted me saying she really wanted to see me again after the date but weve barely talked. I texted her yesterday and she answered and we had a nice chat but she hasnt texted again and i dont want to seem super desperate texting her all the time either. Rant done. Mic drop. Im out.
Hey when you are first coming out and figuring all this stuff out it is the biggest rollercoaster ride you can possibly imagine but it will get better. 1. Your Mum. I know it is really tough, perhaps you can get her some reading material from PFLAG so that she can read about other people that have been in her situation and know she isn't alone. I am sure we all know what it is like to feel like you are the only one feeling how you feel. It will be worth it in the end. 2. Maybe you can write a list of all the bad things about her and how she is bad for you and just look at it everytime you think of her. 3. Your brain can play funny tricks on you. It is probably just sub consciously checking how you feel about men. Don't worry about it, the more you try and over think it the more confusing it will get. 4. Maybe you can give it a day or so and then try and arrange a get together. Suggest something and see what she says, that should give you a good idea whether or not she is interested. (*hug*)
I feel you on the feeling guilty about no grandkids thing, except in my case it doesn't have much to do with my sexuality. I just really don't want any. I hoped my sister would take some of the pressure off by squeezing out a youngin or two, but alas, it doesn't seem like that's going to happen either, so I guess mom is gonna have to live with disappointment. I wouldn't get too wrapped up in worrying about labels and everything. You'll figure things out eventually. The men thing was a bit confusing for me as well, because I've had a handful of men that I've felt a romantic attraction to, but I've never experienced any sexual attraction to men, so for awhile I thought maybe I was asexual or just had a low sex drive and then I discovered the lady lovin Best of luck to you.
The pflag idea is great! Thank you! Ive written the list and look at it every so often but i think im still so hurt that I cant help but tell everyone. Ive texted this girl and shes not being very interactive even though the other day she was saying how much fun she had with me and how much she wants to see me. So i guess onto the next. ---------- Post added 5th Dec 2015 at 03:34 PM ---------- Thank you cap! ---------- Post added 5th Dec 2015 at 03:36 PM ---------- The thing is that i definitely want to have or adopt kids. Thats just an irrational worry of hers. Thanks for the support!!
Hey girl! You've been doing so awesome! I think everything that's going on is totally normal and to be expected. I sometimes feel bad that my mom is secretly super uncomfortable. I'm an only child too, and my mom has always supported anything I've ever done, but I understand that her heteronormative picture of my life might be slowly crumbling. I'm sorry your mom's having such a hard time . Maybe if you make her more present with what's going on, and immerse her in some LGBTQ stuff it could be better? Suggest a forum for parents, assure her that you can still have grandbabies, and maybe show her some stories about cool lesbian couples and moms. Sometimes I make my mom watch Rose Ellen Dix on YouTube so she can see that it's just a normal relationship! She and I still have our ups and downs, but don't feel bad for who you are! There's nothing wrong with it, and you're not dying. You're just realizing who like to spend your time with, and there's nothing wrong with that. It kind of reminds me of that joke for people who want to come out as gay, so they sit their parent down and tell them that they have cancer, and when the parent is freaking out, switch it up and be like JUST KIDDING, I'M ACTUALLY GAY! There's some perspective in that. No need to feel like the world's ending, mama! With the Trigger, yeah, you're going to go through the motions with it still. That was really significant to your life and understanding new things about yourself, it's only natural. HOWEVER, I would curb telling people intimate details (only if they know her and it could get back to her and her family somehow). I have a mutual friend with my Trigger who sometimes puts us in posts together, and I want to be like, (friend's name)! I was in love with her and literally can't see her name next to mine, you gotta stop! But, and even though I totally thought she'd wind up telling everyone because she talked crap to me about people who had "fallen in love" with her, she hasn't seemed to have spoken to anyone about the million paged love letter I sent to her - which I'm so grateful for. So, I try to respectfully keep my thoughts and feelings about her under wraps in the presence of people who know her. Our mutual friend knows the story, but she doesn't know who it is. I just say that it was someone I interned with over the summer. I give all the details, but I don't say who it is. Try to do that if you absolutely need to vent and those people do happen to know her. And I also totally get the guy thing. In fact, while I was in the midst of being flirty and wrapped up in my heart-eyed emoji feelings about her in the beginning, I felt like I was attracting guys to me, because I wasn't thinking about them and was feeling extra flirty and bad girl-esq. You could also just be looking really hard for guys you find attractive to test yourself. I did that for so long, it was so exhausting. Your libido might also be up, because you're exploring your sexuality, and you might be taking it out on anyone that's around. It's fine to look. You could be attracted to guys. You could be bi. Bi and leaning to lesbian because you find men sexually appealing, but find women sexually and romantically appealing. Just feel it out. With the girl, I agree with what people have said here. Suggest an outing in a few days. If she's not into it, you'll know she's not feeling it. I think the lot of us with trigger crushes know that people can say a lot of shit they don't mean! Cue some Jay Z >>>>:::: onto the next one. onto the next one::::<<<<
:icon_wink Thank you! Showing my mom some videos or examples is a great idea! I just hate the thought of losing the amazing relationship we have. Im going to give her some space for the time being but I will definitely do that once I see shes calmed down a little. I feel so bad about telling the 2 people ive told that know her. I feel so disrespectful because shes been so discrete about it (or ashamed? Lol) but i just cant stop... And im so transparent that theyve figured it out too. Theyre like I KNEW IT. But the idea of telling it like it was someone else is great. I will definitely try to do that if i feel absolutely compelled to tell someone. Its just that this situation meant so much that I almost feel like its impossible to come out to people i love without telling them the story... I think the libido thing makes sense. Im just kind of out of control and wanting to explore and be explored LOL. The male attraction keeps growing... And there was a point today where I was like "do i even like women" because the thought of having sex with a girl freaks me out whereas other days im all about wanting to do it. Ill just go with the flow though. I asked the girl what she was up to over the weekend and she said shes swamped with school until tuesday but after that shes free. I told her to let me know when shes free so we can plan to hang out and she said: "ok beautiful ill talk to you when im done with school cause trust me, im gonna want to celebrate." Good sign??
The mom situation is...scary. I dunno what I'd do in that situation. I guess I'd go back to pretending to be 100% straight. OMG! Trigger crushes are HARD! To tell you the truth, I've never had one. But, I've talked to lots of people who have. Maybe you're bi? No, you're totally bi. Checking out guys?? I'm 100% lesbian (known since I was 4) and I never check guys out but I'm always like, "OMG! She is HOT!" So, I'm pretty sure you're bi. Whooooaaa! I know that feeling. When I told my girlfriend I had a crush on her, she said she had a crush on me, too! Then my mom drove up and I didn't want to ask her to be my girlfriend in front of my mom but it was a week before I saw her again. I was confused, scared, giddy, excited. I dunno. But, one thing is, I've never felt giddy around a friend, only around a crush. I talk about myself so much. Siiiiiiiggggghhhh...
That does sound promising! But I'm so weary of people now. That sounds like stuff trigger would say to me, lol. If she doesn't reach out, you'll know, and then I just wouldn't contact her again unless she contacts you. School is definitely hectic this time of year, finals, everyone's getting ready to go home for a long break -- I was always swamped and cramming this time of year, too. Do you have Netflix? There's this movie I watched last night called Jenny's Wedding. I was so excited to see it, almost rented it, but last night I saw it pop up on Netflix. I was so happy! It wasn't that great, I'm really critical when it comes to movies, but the message was really great. And there was a part in it that totally made me weep out of no where. I was almost laughing at myself for how uncontrollable it was. I usually keep my shit together, or know something's coming on and allow myself to cry, but this was so simple and true that it hit me and I was just blubbering like a baby. See if she wants to watch that with you, or alone. It's a good movie for parents of LGBTQ.
Absolutely not going to contact her until she contacts me first. If not, then onto the next! I watched Jennys wedding and I was dyinggg because I want their relationship. So cute. I will definitely recommend my mom watch this! Thank you(*hug*)
I thought the acting was so-so. I have a little thing for Alexis Bledel, though. Seeing her gay was something I couldn't pass up, but their relationship wasn't what I wanted! I blubbered at the part with the mom in the grocery store when she heard those women gossiping and came to the realization that it was her daughter and she was a good person. I think that's something I struggled with in the beginning. I felt like, I'm not "gay," I am me. I just like this girl, but I am still me. So, yeah...:tears:
