Okay, guys. I need advice. Like, now.

I've read some of your posts but not all...do you and your husband have an open relationship? How slow are you taking the divorce?

 

Oh geez, hon...it would be so much easier if we could actually have this conversation via chat or something!

Given the concerns you voice (especially your concerns about yourself, but also your concerns about your relationship with him) I would not do this without talking to your husband. Be open with him. Tell him you've been talking to this woman...that it's just talking, but it's *good* talking. Ask how he'd feel about you meeting her IRL. If that's cool, share your concerns (*as* concerns) about making a move...you need to know both how he'd feel if you wound up doing something sexual (or at least pseudo-sexual), AND it would probably be good to get *his* perspective on you breaking this promise to yourself.

Now, I'm assuming a LOT here. I'm assuming your husband is rational. I'm assuming he isn't the sort who would flip out as long as you haven't actually done anything wrong. I'm assuming that talking to someone isn't doing something wrong in his book. (You *might* omit that part about meeting this person "on a dating app".) I'm assuming you value his opinion. I'm assuming a lot of stuff. I realize this...but I can either assume a lot, or ask you a thousand questions before giving any real advice.

But whatever the answers to the questions above, I would NOT do this before talking to him...regardless of the content of that conversation, how far with my suggestions you think you can go, etc.

Also *really think* about your needs here...especially the need for space that made you promise yourself that you'd find autonomy before getting involved. If you have an instinct that says "I'm not ready for this yet" OR an instinct that says "this is incredibly dangerous for me at this time", that instinct is probably right. If you need to, you can explain to her that you can be friends, chat, etc., and that you might like to meet *eventually*, but for now, you really *need* to keep the relationship clean and stick to online.

I hope any of this is helpful. *compassionate hug*

 

I can only say what I've decided. I don't know how many chances I will have to be truly happy. So I'm not going to throw a chance away. I'm opening myself up to whatever happens.
Now you are much younger than me, and simply gorgeous, so you will get a lot more chances than I will.
But are you willing to throw a chance away?

 

Clarification in light of Mirror's post: I am not suggesting you throw away a chance; I am suggesting you possibly defer a chance .

 

I'm with Mirror on this one. You never know when that "right" person is going to enter your life. Things don't always wait for your preferred timeline. Life is messy. And beautiful.

As far as autonomy goes, I think you can date people and still be autonomous...you're not moving in with her, are you?

I also agree with biannika that you should have a conversation with your husband first about dating and such if you haven't already. You don't want him to freak out.

As long as you think he can handle it, I don't think there's anything wrong with you just meeting her. Who knows...you may find that you have no chemistry anyway. But at least you'll know.

 

I am thrilled for you that you are in such a good position with respect to him and your communication! That is so very awesome. Kudos to both of you!

Given that, especially, I'd say introspect on your own needs (as I describe above). Do talk to him about your concerns, and make sure he's still cool with you meeting her. If he knows you this well, then he may also have some awesome perspective on you wanting to break your self-promise...better perspective than I as a total stranger could offer.

I really don't think it's appropriate at this stage to worry about "the one" passing you by...reasonable, maybe...but not rational. There are *lots* of people in this world whom you can love and have a wonderful relationship. And if this person is one of them, then she'll be able to respect your need for space at this critical time of your life, and wait until you're in a better place. Even if you truly believe there is but ONE person whom you can truly love...if this person can't respect your needs, then she is not that one.

And btw, I love your new chain-link bird avatar (but Mirror is right...you're cute as hell ).

 

A) I hate time difference. I am missing on the best convos.

B) Your husband is AWESOME. Seriously, I have never heard of such an understanding (just dumped) human being.

C) If you ´ve gone so deep with your online friend, why can´t you tell her everything that you told us? You can be strictly friends at first and if it happens that she is still available when you are ready for romance, you can go ahead.

D) You need friends. Especially now that your best friend is not around anymore. Don´t cut your ties with what sounds like a very promising friendship (if not something more intimate) just because you are afraid that you might like her too much.

E) Tame your flirty personality!!!!!

Just my thoughts.

 

Whoooaaa Mellie!!

... see what I did there? Hah.

I'm kind of sleep drunk, but like, girl gang to the rescue

First of all. Stop, drop and roll, girl. You're getting too ahead of yourself. You haven't even met this person! You don't know if you're going to click, and even if you do, just chill out! In regards to being afraid you won't be able to hold back moves, let me rest you assured that many people don't like that on a first date, or their first time meeting someone new - no matter how much they've been talking. Keep that in mind the entire time! Even if they are into it, or seem into it, remind yourself that you're trying to take it easy and build a foundation for yourself and your future relationships. This is new for you, and it's okay to get excited, but just take some breaths. If you do decide to meet up, go somewhere that it would be weird for you to kiss or make any moves (not because it's two chicks, because it would be inappropriate PDA). It would be a great time to practice some control. I was once told by a colleague to think about any decision I ever made where I was running off of emotion, and if the outcome was good.

>>>>INSTANT FLASHBACK TO SNAP DECISION ON WRITING TRIGGER MY LOVE CONFESSION LETTER<<<<

... nope!

When it comes to hubby, I can't give you too much advice on that. I'm pretty anti-anyone telling me what to do, so being separated, I'd probably barely run any of that by him - but it's not my situation and I can't fully comprehend the complexity of it. It seems like he's being really lovely about your exploring in front of him, though. Sounds like a great SBF (straight best friend).

I don't think you should pass up opportunities just because you're not in a great place. Like Shadow says, not everything aligns perfectly and then your dreams come true. Mostly because nothing ever aligns perfectly. Many of life's biggest and greatest surprises come at the most inopportune of times -- I think the lot of us can vouch for that!! SO. Continue to work towards your goals while enjoying your life and exploring a bit. Don't put a ton of pressure on situations and feel like you need to do certain things or act a certain way. There are no directions. You just have to follow your heart, follow your intuition, and remind yourself to stay logical - which is so hard sometimes, but it's crucial. Also, remind yourself that you may be a little vulnerable right now. You want the affection of a woman. You're recently coming off of Trigger, separating; it's overwhelming and normal to want someone there for comfort. That may be a good reason for you to hold back a little. Not close yourself off. Just hold back and be as rational as possible. If this girl is supposed to be in your life, they'll be there when the time is right for the both of you. Also, you might make a few mistakes along the way. It's no big deal. Just live your life, but be smart about it.

And yes, tame your flirting! And yes, everyone's telling you how hot and cute you are. It's true. Your last avatar of your face won us all over, but I plan to be the one who wins all of your affections, so everyone else LOCK YOUR SHIT UP.

I don't have to tame my flirting. I'm Alice. :newcolor:

 

I'll just offer my own experience, which probably isn't a lot like that of others. When I was exactly your age, I decided to divorce my Southern Baptist homophobic husband by coming out as bisexual and moving across the country to live with a man I'd met in person for just 24 hours. He accepted and embraced my bisexuality and we had many experiences together. That relationship ended up eventually being somewhat disastrous but yet it was the best relationship I ever had in my life. And he and I are still friends after all this time.

I didn't have children. I was financially dependent on the man I divorced and at poverty level when I did move out, then proceeded to be financially dependent to some degree on the new man. But I was free to be who I was for the first time ever.

It has taken me many years after that to be able to embrace independence and self-sufficiency. As in, only the past few years. I do not regret my choice to do that crazy thing at all. It completely changed me and validated that my own perceptions of what I wanted were ok.

This isn't everyone's story, and you have children to consider. I can't actually give you advice at all. I think my only point was to offer that sometimes the crazy and impulsive act is supremely rational. Mine was.

(*hug*)

 

Hey from your post it sounds like the reason you don't want to act is because it could make things messy with your husband so perhaps just talk to him about it and say, if you met up with women from the app would he have a problem with that. It's not like you have to start inviting them around the house. Or are there other reasons.

The other option and this is more of a delay than a solution is just to explain to the woman you are talking to that because of your situation you just need to take it really slowly and that you do want to meet her but you just have to wait a while.

 

Keep talking to your hubby.

I know you think you let emotions rule you, but clearly you actually have quite a grounded sensibility to be living thoughtfully through your divorce. A situation like that actually requires a ton of emotional self regulation.

Not to mention you can't raise kids unless you can control your emotions.

So I'm only sort of buying your premise.

Can you just be friends with her? If she's really the one, she'll wait. Also, you want to expand your circle of friends. Does she have other gay friends you can meet? At least hold off banging her until you find out if her lesbian book club has someone you connect with even better.

Or, here's another thought---give yourself one day to fuck her brains out and get it out of your system and go back to being friends until your situation changes.

Best of luck!

 

Its great you have a very supportive husband but you are getting a divorce. Especially when children are involved things can get unexpectedly ugly. Once you cross that line within your marriage and get involved with someone else as supportive as your husband is you just don't know how he will react. He may be in shock or going thru the stages of grief that are outlined here on EC. Show him the respect he deserves. That you both deserve. Go thru the grieving process of ending your marriage together. Work thru your baggage. Get emotionally healthy for and help him get emotionally healthy for future post divorce relationships. This is best for your kids too. Seeing Mom and Dad working things thru. And showing love in tough times.

 

If you are still on the coming out high or riding the emotional roller coaster, you should wait to get involved. When your sexuality is no longer the focus of your attention, that's when you are ready to date.

 

Oooh how exciting!

I totally agree with the above advice especially from YeahpIdk. I recently met someone online and we chatted for a while and got really into each other we had seen each other's profile pics and sent a lot of messages back and forth. Anyway when we met in real life there was not any sexual attraction whatsoever so it was a bit awkward because we'd both got a little bit carried away in assuming it was there.

All the advice I've read about such situations is try to meet up in real life as quickly as possible and don't build scenarios in your head. My added piece of advice is no matter how romantic you've allowed yourself to start to feel towards this person, if when you meet her it's really not there, then remember that you are still potentially making a new friend.

I think you're handling it right and being honest with your husband is the only way to be.

 

:lol:

Well, for most of us things wouldn´t work out either way. As much as I´d like to meet all of you guys in person, I´d have to take a 12h (if not longer) flight to get there.

So YeahpIdk, you may actually have a front step with Mellie. Not fair! :tantrum:

 

Thanks, Julietta - I totally agree with this sentiment! It's easy to get carried away and then make it super awkward for yourself in real life. You want the spark in person first, then endless, crazy flirting when you're away that matches up with how you guys are in person.

Yup, it's all new territory. Being friends with lesbians can be tricky. I had a really good friend who was a lesbian even before Trigger, and once I came out to her and her girlfriend FOR SUPPORT, she and I slowly stopped hanging out or speaking. Once her girlfriend answered my text to her to about hanging out soon, and that's the last I heard lol. The only conclusion I could come to was that her girlfriend thought something would happen between us, which to me was ridiculous because I wasn't even attracted to her. If anything, she was being flirty with me sometimes, but I'd just ignore her. Partially because I suck at recognizing and appropriately reacting to flirting, and partially because I legitimately was just not attracted to her. K I'm rambling...I've been sick and hulled up in the house, so, gotta do some of these --> (!)

And there will be times when you act all crazy and won't be able to hold back or go with the flow. I think that's just life. Go with that, too.

I literally rolled my eyes at this. They totally have radar. There were times I was getting over Trigger, wouldn't hear from her for days and be done, and then BOOM. I'm over her playing games, she texts me, and I was baaack in the saddle aaaaagggaaaiiinnn.

Mmhmm aww yeeaahhh That HART-O made my Heart-BLOW. And obvs we like you pimply and scrawny. Looking forward to that pic.

I totally agree with this. I think I'm going to take the advice, as well!!

---------- Post added 5th Dec 2015 at 08:43 PM ----------

What's the closest city to you? I love travel. If we can all meet somewhere cool like London, I'm totally down, especially if I get to come home with an accent!!

And yeah, mmmm, sorry about the Mellie situation. Just gonna wave the flag and call it what it is ride::love!!)