Sooner than I was ready for....

I am so, so sorry for what you're going through. Your husband is in shock, and his anger will probably subside. If not, you need to find a safe place.

This is like a tornado you have to let sweep over you. Your world has been torn apart, and so has his. Maybe you can keep on going by reminding yourself you will be free to truly be yourself after this terrible time is over.

Yes, you CAN do this, but you need support. I know you hate hurting your husband, but the truth is out now, and he will have to deal with it too. If it helps, I had a friend who went through this with her husband, and 8 yrs later, he's remarried and happy, and she's on her own and out to everyone. I asked her recently if she regrets all she lost, and she said Definitely not! I've gained so much more.

Stay strong Bec. I know this part is a nightmare, but it will be worth it.

 

I usually read about guys coming out to their wives. So, this is new!

Anyways, I feel sorry for you (And for your husband as well.) I hope you didn't on him before telling him. I can just imagine him being crushed by this! I am not sure how you'll support him in this case since you're the cause of his anguish but I hope he'll be fine and be friends with you one day.

 

Oh dear, I know exactly the feeling. I wasn't married but in a very long relationship, and I have heard all those lines your husband is saying as well. In addition to indirectly accusing me of 'choosing' to being attracted to women and deliberately repressing my hetero side. Not understanding how could I have been one thing and now something else. Saying I have destroyed his life and he has nothing left. And this has lasted well over a year now.

What I want to say is, it is not going to be easy. Sadly. But here is a myriad of people going through similar things, so at least you are not alone.

In the words of Oscar Wilde - "Everything is going to be fine in the end. If it is not fine it is not the end." I have to admit I have struggles to believe this sometimes, but it is the only thing we can do - keep going, be honest to ourselves and others and believe that eventually the difficulties will pass. Hugs.

 

Oh Bec, I'm so sorry! My ex had the exact same reaction, saying exactly the same thing about being such an awful guy that his girlfriend turned lesbian. But who you are has nothing to do with him, and his behaviour could never turn you gay - I know how much it hurts to hear this type of thing because it's so absurd. Straight spouses often can't understand what it's like to be LGBT, they seem to have a very immature idea of what it is. Don't take it personally.

You are brave for being honest with him! It will get better in time. You're not alone!

 

(&&&)

I'm so sorry to read this. Are you safe?

His anger will hopefully settle down, but in the meantime keep yourself safe.

You will be ok. You've done the hardest part, you really have. Now it's learning how to live with it.

We are here to support you

 

Hope to keep us updated. It could be a good learning tool as well for those people who is experiencing or will experience this stage in your life. (*hug*)

 

There are a lot of us on here. Females who have come out to their husbands/male partners. Maybe check out the later in life forum?

 

This is so deja vu. I came out to my partner when I realised that I wasn't comfortable living a lie. All I can say is that if you are honest to yourself then you are dealing with the most important person in the discussion. Be brave but most importantly - be yourself. Good luck X X X

 

Glad that you are safe...There is never a good time to tell someone. Once you have come to the realization that you are a lesbian, I would think it would be difficult to keep that inside.

There may or may not have been a better way to come out to him but it is done and you will be better off in the long run. You will be happier.

 

(((((((((((( Bec ))))))))))))) (That's a hug, btw) You were honest with him. Which he was demanding. And it seemed like a good idea at the time to tell him. It does not sound to me like you are making him miserable...it sounds like he is making himself miserable over this ("oh, woe! I'm the guy who is so awful my wife becomes lesbian!"). He can snap out of that when *he* is ready and able. Part of marriage *is* sharing your hurts, no? I swear, some men (and to be fair, some women) think that runs only one way.

But as I read it, his views here are contradictory. On the one hand, you say he doesn't believe you are born with your sexuality...so presumably, you have *become* a lesbian during your marriage (presumably, because of him). On the other hand, he feels like your life together has been a lie and he has wasted his life...which could only be a relevant accusation if you entered your marriage as a lesbian! He needs to figure out which side he believes and start dealing with it.

This contradiction just highlights that he is not yet able to view the situation rationally...he is reacting solely emotionally. And for good reason: he just found out that the woman he (presumably fell in love with and) married is a lesbian...that shit hurts. But that shit is also true. It is an unfortunate fact, but it is a fact. No, there is no way back from here, nor should you want there to be.

Once more I strongly advise therapy for both of you, individually and as a couple...specifically, someone who specializes in LGBT issues. You absolutely can do this; you've gone this far. But you should both have some professional counseling to help you on the way.

 

Getting to the point where you can actually tell your spouse that you have a different orientation is the deepest, lowest point in a person's life. Or, so it was for me. The fact that you do want to split up, even though he is a great guy and you no doubt have some wonderful memories and good experiences during your marriage, proves that you did the right thing. You said that you wished that you could have just taken it back, to before when you were repressed and you kept it all to yourself. Let me tell you my story: That's exactly what I did. In December of 2013 I told my wife that I was gay and that I wanted to divorce. However, I will add that the major reason for my wanting to get divorced was more because of her narcissistic, bullying behavior. After talking for a LOOOOONNNNNNGGGGG time, we decided that we would stay together. Well, as you can imagine, we returned to the status quo very shortly. The same misery continued. I completely regretted not taking advantage of the opportunity when I had it. Finally, I had to build myself up all over again to tell her that I needed to leave because the depression and misery was just too much. But this time, in July of this year, I finally had the courage to go through with it. I've got to tell you, it was the ABSOLUTELY BEST DECISION of my life! The transition is hard, and it will get rough, uncomfortable and maybe nasty for a little while. But the peace that has come into my life because I am living so much more authentically, and not with a bully, is immeasurable. So worth it.

That is just my experience. I wish you the very best.

 

(&&&) You are not alone!

I know where you are at. After I told my husband I wanted to run back into the closet and pretend like none of this is happening to me. That I'll be perfectly fine going on in this marriage as long as I don't have to deal with all these feelings I was surprised I was having. Shock, grief, anger, fear, jealousy, sadness, and anxiety. But as time passed and things set in for both of us, the anger and the fighting subsided, I started to remember why I felt so strongly about telling him. I remembered I didn't want to pretend anymore and I wouldn't be someone I am not. I'm worth that.

Now we've moved into "what's next." I gather from other posts on here that it will be a long yet rewarding journey and I hold onto that hope!