Hi there, it's my first post here. I've been married (to a man) for 5 years. I recognized that I felt attracted to females from a young age, but I felt like my attraction was stronger to men, to the degree that at many points in my life I felt uncomfortable identifying as bisexual. I've struggled in my relationships with men because I end up not really feeling like I am capable of love-- it always ends up feeling like they just become my buddy, and I end up loving them as a brother (I mean that in the least creepy way possible :lol. I went to a small art school during my college years where pretty much everyone was not straight. I feel like I had so many chances to have the apple fall on my head and realize "I'm gay!" I am fortunate to come from a pretty liberal, accepting family. I am struggling to understand how I am just finding myself now, married for 5 years with a child, having that apple falling on the head moment. My marriage is in a rocky place regardless of my sexuality. My husband and I get along (again with me having a long term relationship turn into "buddies") but we have not been intimate for about 4 years now. At first, it was one-sided and he rejected me. He's opened up and the feelings he describes sound a lot like asexuality (I hesitate to label him, as it isn't my place to do so). Part of me feels like this should be a good thing-- at least I don't have to be intimate with the opposite sex. But I feel like I'm dying. I can't stop thinking about women. I'm not crushing on anyone in particular. I told my husband about my feelings but I feel like the seriousness of it didn't sink in with him. We recently moved across the country, so another thing weighing on my mind is that if we split, it's a very real possibility that he may move back (he doesn't really have family or friends out here and he could probably get his old job back). It makes me so sad to think of my daughter not getting to see him often, and I think I would miss him too. But gosh, I've never been more depressed than I am lately after realizing I don't feel any attraction to the opposite sex anymore.
I'm so there with you. I tried coming out to my husband, but... I was scared to just be like "I'm a lesbian", and i don't think he understood my intent fully. And I feel depressed a lot too. It's hard. You're not alone.
Hi .. Cat lady Sounds all normal - some grief there for the life to be given up and the uncertain future -- Thanks for sharing helps me to process my stuff too I just came out of 4 yr relationship where I was engaged -- ' Quote - I feel like I'm dying - I can't stop thinking about women ' Yes when my brain cottoned on fully it was pretty obsessive - I just had to say ok enough let's focus on something else -- yes yes I get it I'm gay -- but calm down Adolescence in adulthood Re your daughter your bound to feel sad for her and I would think guilt is a factor too ?? So what I've found is working for me is to take it steady -- be kind to myself and accept my feelings -- I too wondered how it's taken till now 'to wake up ' but it seems it happens when it happens and not a second before -- The positives I have found -- I finally know who I am re sexuality and don't need to deny / try to control or play down my feelings anymore I can now let go of the issues I was having being in opposite relationships I've stepped out of the 'female identity that i once had and feel more integrated to my masculine side ( still have femininity but it's somehow different ( feels more like me ) I can finally be friends with men enjoy their company in a new way The future is exciting to think I'll be with a women -- Free to be me -- who I really am I hope you can go easy on yourself - allow grief where it is and move at your own pace The future can be bright
Thank you so much for your responses <3 It is so comforting to know I'm not alone. I will try to be more kind to myself and accept the grieving process. The lease ending feels like a forced deadline but really, it wouldn't be the end of the world if we went our separate ways in the middle of a new lease. Sometimes I need to remind myself to just breathe
