Lol, I'm not sure why I didn't think I'd have days like this again. Sad about trigger. Sad about sexuality confusion. Someone messaged me on the dating app I'm on. They're not exactly what I'm looking for, but close. And then it just makes me think about her. All I want(ed) was her. I can't picture myself with anyone else. And then I question myself and my intentions. I literally thought to myself today, "do I just want to be with and like androgynous girls because it looks cool?" I'm pretty sure that doesn't even make any sense. Without her, though, I'm totally going into question mode again. I'm having a hard time with the sex aspect. Like, do I really want to deal with someone's vagina? Sometimes I don't want to deal with my own. I don't know. I think I'm just going looney. Or am just frustrated because I don't really see anyone fulfilling that place. I've also been wondering if I spend too much time on here. I love talking to everyone, you're all so awesome, but I wonder if writing things on here instead of just dealing with them on my own is bad for me. I don't know if that's a real thing either. Just feeling frustrated today. Blah.
You've helped me... if that helps. I'm sorry you're having a rough day. I'm still working through reading posts and linking stories to names, so I don't know your whole story or much about your trigger. I do know what looney feels like, though, and also what it feels like to be in question mode. I saw a few posts today that compare coming out later in life to going through another adolescence, and *whoa* that rings true to me. There are all these hormones running rampant through my mind and body, but if I actually was faced with the reality of figuring out what goes where in a f/f encounter, I'd FREAK THE HELL OUT, just like I did with my first m/f encounter way back when. And, it would probably be disastrous and wonderful all at once. Hopefully, more wonderful than disastrous based on the fact I've had a lot more time to figure out what I like and how to communicate with another person about the whole thing. :icon_redf I think we all have things that we are more attracted to than others - if you find androgynous girls desirable, that's one hundred and ten percent okay. You know that, right? How is that different from liking a tall guy with broad shoulders, or someone delicate and slight, or a certain colour hair? If you want to join me in my blanket fort, I'm doing a pretty good job hiding from my reality there, today. Outside my fort, I'm faking everything. Inside the fort, I'm allowing myself to wallow. It's okay if you need to do the same.
I wrote on your wall. (*hug*) ^^Wish I could do that for real. I give good, tight hugs. You need one. Chin up.
I think it's better (healthier) to share your private thoughts and problems to run them past others and get different viewpoints and feedback. That is helpful in my opinion and in the general opinion of mental health workers so it's a sort of truism. Bottling things up and trying think your way of of things can lead to your thoughts just turning in on themselves in ever decreasing circles and create depression. I understand if you've gone back to 'questioning' if your trigger crush was just one very attractive person and now you're unsure if you will find any other women attractive in the future. That's valid. Most people feel that the very nature of bisexuality is that the romantic feeling relates very much to finding the individual person attractive and not whether they have a penis or a vagina. The fact you found one woman attractive means that you're not excluding all women from being potential lovers. Of course you're at liberty to 'go straight' again. It's entirely up to you. Maybe try not to dwell on it too much if it's getting you down? (*hug*)
Thank you, Wander. That made me feel better . I guess I should lay off myself about the androgynous girl thing. There was always a type of guy that I liked, though I was open to being attracted to anyone I connected with. I think it's probably the same for girls. And I guess it's also like saying lesbians who like femmes are less lesbian because they're not just open to dating or looking at anyone. Sounds silly. Totally wanna come join you in the blanket fort, sounds nice and comfy!! Mellie (*hug*)(*hug*) Julietta, you're probably right about the thoughts. I could get so stuck in them and go round and round forever. I saw this girl on a dating app who was my perfect type, so, I know that it's not just her. I just get so freaked out sometimes. Like, are you sure you're going to really go head first into this when you have no experience? I'm just bullying myself like we all do sometimes. Instead of just accepting myself for who I am, I'm wanting a definitive answer so I can present myself accordingly. Ahhh, control freak **raises hands**. If I think about it, I know how I feel about androgynous women. They get my heart rate up when I'm attracted to them. A part of me feels like there's nothing better, and they're not even in competition with men if I'm physically attracted to them and we connect well. I'm certainly not attracted to all, and that seems normal, but I am pickier than I would be with men. It's just the vagina sometimes... lol. I hate to be so over sharing with thoughts sometimes, but anonymity on here is my best friend. I seriously just wonder if I'd like it or be as into it as I think/would want to be. I have a feeling that with the right person, I would be super into it. Like, more so than I'd ever be into a man's pleasure. I kind of feel bad about that. I don't know what it is (whispers to self, "maybe it's you being gaaaaay.") There's something I like about distanced sex with men, like I don't have to focus hard on them and can just focus on myself. Perhaps I am a selfish bitch?? WHO KNOWS! It's like, when I think about having passionate sex, and envision it with a man, I just picture dominance (on his end) and going at it. When I picture passionate sex with a woman, I see a balance and me touching her all over. Like, movie sex almost. Maybe I'm just hyping it up for myself. Sex is awkward anyway... I can see my life with a female, I think it's when I think about the outside world seeing me with that woman it freaks me out a bit. Like, I can imagine my hard working babe coming home to me at night, or vice versa, and being so excited to see her. But then when I think about us being married forever and getting older, it starts to look a little weird to me. Like wrong. And the wrongness makes me think that it's just a deep seated shame I feel. I guess I could choose to 'go straight,' but that would feel so against everything I've gone through and feel inside. I know I'm bi, but I guess it's hard to accept because there's no one to take my bi-ness out on, and a part of me is too afraid to. Anyway, when it rains it pours, right? My Trigger and I's mutual friend texted me today. Or I texted her maybe. I'm good friends with her, but she doesn't know about trigger and I. And I was telling this friend about how this person on the dating app I'm on messaged me and was a little too forward/asking to hang out. She said something about it, joking that she doesn't know how lesbian flirting works so maybe that was normal for her to be so forward. And right after said, "When (my trigger crush's name) flirts with me it's not too forward." So, Trigger has been flirting with her, too. Which I knew about, because right after I told Trigger how I felt and that I couldn't take the confusing relationship anymore, I heard that she went right to my friend and started going at her. But ugh, bullet to the chest. Now I'm exhausted from being upset about that and coming up with a million passive aggressive come backs that I texted my best friend instead, who kindly reminded me that I should feel bad for Trigger because she's doing the same shit. Being the same fake person to everyone and never growing up. I wish I could see it that way at the forefront, but it makes me sad and jealous first. Bleh. Today was just a day... Thank you all. I appreciate you guys so much!! You don't even know. (*hug*)(*hug*)(&&&)
Girl I feel you. Seriously everytime I read your comments its like Im reading my own thoughts - except in my case, substitute androgynous women for strong femmes. Lol. I too have a hard time with the sex thing. Like I know ill be super into it if its someone I like but i cant picture it with just ANY girl. In my case i hate sex with men tho haha. Anyways, I hope you're feeling better. Xoxo
I know. We're way too similar, haha. I am feeling better . I think I'm still tired from freaking out yesterday, lol. (*hug*)(*hug*) ---------- Post added 7th Dec 2015 at 05:59 PM ---------- MY FRIEND WHO TEXTED ME ABOUT TRIGGER'S PHONE BROKE LAST NIGHT. I AM A WITCH. I DID IT WITH MY ANGER. :roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:
Too funny! I'm glad you're feeling a little better. The art of not freaking and of not getting trapped inside our own circular / ever decreasing circles of thoughts is a life skill. Which I don't possess but I'm good at preaching on the subject :bang:
Did someone say blanket fort? How can I sign up? YeahpIdk: I too wallow, and it's ok. I was just wondering this am if wallowing is actually the same as making progress and I'm not sure. I think things like this are huge and a lot to process, so taking a while to come around may be perfectly normal in this scenario. I often wondered at the women who had their trigger crush, left the husband/kids, and lived happily ever after with a woman who may or may not be their trigger - all in the space of 3 months. But it happens. Sometimes people just know and they go with it. That is not me though, and I feel the same way, a bit disoriented thinking about growing old with a woman... like what does that feel like? How does society view that? And yeah, also, do I really want to deal with someone's vagina. LOL. Many of the things you say I could have said so I really feel better reading your posts... and I'm sure one of these days we'll be helping the EC newbs in their struggles. But for right now it's our turn to receive care and support. p.s. Glad that karma caught up with the person with the phone! p.p.s. androgynous girls for the win!
My blanket fort game is strong. Feel free to join me any time. There are cookies, and Kleenex. Today, I'm going to need my fort. These emotions... I feel as if they'll never level out. Reading about trigger crushes has me reflecting on how I've been *not* dealing with a specific person in my world, because of how unsettled she makes me. Went to a work meeting, and there she was. I immediately became all flustered, and teary, and wanted to bolt. Instead, I flumped into my seat, opened my laptop, and murmured an audible, "Oh, shit." (Which earned me at least one side eye.) It sort of explains how insanely jealous I was when she ran from the building a few weeks ago right into the arms one of the cutest girls I've ever seen. They were headed out for a weekend away together, and I thought it was just jealousy of their freedom that's been messing me up. Hmmm... maybe not?
