Being OK with being gay

Honestly, the first thing you need to do is change your profile. Get rid of that "probably". Say it out aloud. Say it proud!
You need to accept yourself. You won't be happy until you do. Go out, mix with other gay people. Don't go there with the idea of picking up or bring picked up. Just go for the experience. Go there to meet other people like you. Let them see who you are, let yourself make friends, let yourself be gay.
And come to us for support whenever you need it.

 

Gay social events are good, but perhaps you should try looking for a friend. A gay friend. Create a profile on a dating app or site explaining that you are new to the gay scene and looking for a friend and who knows where it might go. Take the pressure off and maybe find someone who you can relate to. Stop thinking about the gay thing and just be you. Yes I know it's old fashioned to make friends first but make it about connecting with another guy rather than about sex. Don't get into bed with him straight away, hang out with him, maybe spend some time chatting online first as well. In other words, make an emotional connection first and see what develops.

 

When I was talking to my therapist the other day, I mentioned how I really want to start making gay friends and even if I were single (which is always a decision away) I wouldn't want to look for a new relationship right away as much as I'd just still want to make friends. He said hey, we're in NYC, there's literally dozens of gay guys around to make friends with! So I offer you that same advice. There's also support groups. He informed me of one at Identity House, google that. They should be starting a new support group for gay men soon, and I get the sense that a lot of people in the group will be like us, a little older, just figuring their sexuality out, etc. It could go a long way for you meeting guys who are in a similar position as yourself. I know that's what I am hoping for.

 

I agree with this. I've already came out, to myself and to others and it's a very freeing process. I live in a small town and plan to do the dating app thing myself to see who is out there in my area. My main goal is to make new friendships, but if it eventually turns into more I'll be fine with that.

 

Here are a few additional ideas that might be helpful.

1. Are there any support groups for gay dads or gay men in a mixed-orientation marriage you could attend?
   
2. Coming out to friends helps a lot. Do you have any close friends that you can come out to?
   
3. Read The Velvet Rage - A compelling read that has opened my eyes to the landscape of gay culture and even some of the things that I did to deal with the shame before coming out (and even before I came out to myself)

 

Nerdbrain, the best decision I have made was accepting myself. Once I did that, my life seems to all fall into place. Was it all a bed of roses? Nope. But net net I am so happy that I did. Like you, I struggled with it for such a long time before I just simply could not take it anymore.

You have seen so many positive stories on EC. I hope you continue to reflect on them and what they can mean for your own journey.

 

Hey Nerdbrain, I really relate to what you're saying. I'm also in NYC, and while it's a positive there is such a large LGBT community here, it also makes me feel pathetic that I'm having such a hard time with coming out and accepting myself in NYC in 2015 as an otherwise typical 20-something. I'm so scared that even in trying to make gay friends or date, no one my age in NYC is going to really understand why I took so long to come out. I mean even in a Meetup group setting or something, I feel like it'd just be so awkward to try and meet people, or make conversation, feeling basically asexual all my life and never really dated and then suddenly I'm gay. And it all just makes me feel like such an outsider in a community that is already a minority. I'd love nothing more than to meet someone who's in my shoes in real life, just struggling to believe that's actually out there

 

Hi nb, nice to see you back!

That secret hope, the one that has you wishing it would all go away is akin to tying a steel shackle with a chain to your ankle and the other end of that chain being tied to a large iron ball...

I played that game for a long time, only mine was the compartmentalization version, it was that "thing" I kept tightly closed and locked in a hidden box. I was very careful NOT to get emotionally involved, it was that thing that I did, and nothing more...

Here's the thing, and it's a bit of a Catch-22: unless and until you fully accept yourself, whenever and whatever happens in the bedroom with a guy will resemble an out-of-body experience; you simply will not allow yourself to actually be there.

The moment I simply accepted who I am, that I prefer sex with guys, I was able to let go of my inhibitions, I was able to fully experience who I was with, it was liberating, sensual, and real. I was fully there and in the moment, my heart was vulnerable, but ready for anything.

Becoming one's own self is primarily about letting go of what your ego thinks you are.

Consider Michelangelo's unfinished sculptures, look at the image of "The Awakening Slave" (an apt title, the self a slave to the ego) and perhaps you may recognize where you are right now, an unfinished masterpiece, with layers of marble that still need to be chipped away, to reveal the beautiful gay being that you are...

 

I had emailed Identity House and they took awhile to get back to me, but finally did just to say they would pass my info on to the people who run the groups. I hope that works out for you. Heck we might even run into each other during one of those groups. I'll be the hot one, obvi.

I do relate to your feeling about never having a truly satisfying experience with a guy, in a sense. For me, it's more been that I've rarely found an emotional connection with a guy the way I have with women. Sexually I've had great sex with men and great sexy with women, so it's hard to judge in that regard for me. But I've fallen in love with women a bit more realistically versus men who I've had a harder time connecting with. Though it could also just be a case of having thrown the towel in too soon. They say you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find Prince Charming, and maybe I just gave up on boy toads too soon. The struggle.

---------- Post added 7th Dec 2015 at 11:25 AM ----------

It's funny, I see a therapist at an LBGTQ center of sorts in NYC, and whenever I am in the waiting room and see other people there, I realize that they're here for at least some sort of similar reason as me. I don't know their stories, but I know that they wouldn't be seeing a counselor at this particular place unless they were struggling with identity in the same way I am. It makes me feel less alone for sure.

 

Thank you GW - What you just shared resonates through to my core. Having have had sex with men in the past without allowing myself to let go of FEAR has kept me disconnected from who I am, in a sense reliving childhood abuse. I realize that until I am free of my marriage and am able to own my feelings unburdened by prior trauma will I be able to fully engage in my sexuality and truly accept myself as a man that enjoys sex with men. The label of gay/bi - I still have no idea, straight is definitely out of the question. Thank you again for helping to shed light. - J

 

If it helps you in any way, realize that when a door closes, a window opens elsewhere. You are focusing on the loss, think also about the gain. Note also that if you are unable to believe the voice of your own attractions, you will not be able to see it for yourself no matter how often you try, it is indeed a matter of faith.

After three turbulent years since my own leap of faith, I can tell you that I have gained a grove of golden hearts; I will never turn back!

 

Sigh, I envy you guys for being in a place like New York City where gay guys are everywhere and you can actually meet a lot of interesting folks.

My country has such a taboo mindset about gay guys that it's really hard to find gay people, let alone gay parties or parade.

Sad.

 

NB/GW,

These are incredible works and an incredibly powerful metaphor for coming out.

 

Hi, I have just a quick comment about the "unburdened by prior trauma" part of your comment. A little background on me--I fairly recently figured out that I'm gay and feel I'm still in the early phases of working through that. I feel very experienced though in the world of working on my history of childhood sexual trauma and how that relates to me as a sexual being. I've put a couple of decades of work into it. My personal experience is that viewing that history as some thing to get rid of, or as something to be unburdened by so I can be present for and enjoy sex was a less helpful perspective, and thinking of my history of trauma as somthing to work WITH as a part of who I am that isn't going to go away was more helpful. I personally don't feel like I'll ever be "unburdened" by my history of trauma--and I also (at this point in my life) feel totally OK with that. With a lot of work I've accepted it as part of who I am and can almost always work with that part of who I am in ways that are kind and compassionate and respectful of my history and how that has affected my needs. Feel free to take or leave my thoughts on this! And maybe I read more into your comment than was there, but just felt pulled to put my perspective out there so I did.

 

Here's an argument for taking the leap of faith

Let's define x = Gay_Acceptance(t). We know that Gay_Acceptance(t) > 0 when you have satisfying sex with guys.

Code:

x = Gay_Acceptance(t) {
	if (Satisfying_Gay_Sex(t-1) = TRUE) 1;
	else 0;
}

x = Satisfying_Gay_Sex(t) {
	if (Gay_Acceptance(t) = 0) FALSE;
	else TRUE;
}

We know that Gay_Acceptance(t) | t=36 evaluates to 0 and Satisfying_Gay_Sex(t) | t=36 evaluates to FALSE based on your post.

Let's consider the case Gay_Acceptance(t+1).

Code:

x = Gay_Acceptance(t+1) = {
	if (Satisfying_Gay_Sex(t) = TRUE) 1;
	else 0;
}

We know that Satisfying_Gay_Sex(t) evaluated to FALSE. Therefore Gay_Acceptance(t+1) evalutes to 0. Thus we have shown that Gay_Acceptance(t) = 0 ==> Gay_Acceptance(t+1) = 0.

Now let's evaluate your acceptance of yourself at key milestones in your life

This analysis shows that when you are 80 and approaching your death, you will still be unaccepting of your sexuality. Do you really want to be in a position of regretting not fully living your life?

Time to take the leap of faith and change the equations governing your life!!!

 

:wow: the beautiful symmetry of faith and logic!