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How do I tell her that I am inexperienced with women without scaring her off?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by doorways, Dec 8, 2015.

  1. doorways

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    Hi,

    I am 41 and never been with a woman. Last month, I met a woman online, we met on Sunday for the first time and hit it off immediately. We have a second date this weekend. Thinking about the first kiss. I think that part will be ok. Nervous about anything beyond that. Assuming she is an experienced lesbian but not 100% sure; we have not talked about each other's sexual history.

    How do I tell her that I am inexperienced with women without scaring her off? Am I thinking about this too early? I want to be honest and explain why I might be clumsy at first. Any experience to share?
     
    #1 doorways, Dec 8, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 8, 2015
  2. LittleFlowers

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    Hi Doorways,

    Firstly, woohoo! Congrats on meeting someone and it's fantastic that you hit it off.

    I'm still pretty new at navigating this 'journey' too but I can relate to what your worries are. I would think about just telling her about where you're at and have that conversation about history. I've been trying to edge my way out of the closet for a while, I've found saying to anyone (because I've been online chatting and meeting people) 'hey, I feel like I want to let you know, this is all pretty new to me- previously I've dated men' (or something like that) has been received well. And to be honest, if someone doesn't receive that well.. they're probably not the right one for you anyhow.

    It's not about the physical inexperience, but the whole thing is a new experience for you- and you just don't know what her story is either.

    Hope this helps and most importantly, enjoy! :icon_bigg
     
  3. PlaidGlove

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    Hey there,

    Listen, it's not supposed to be a performance, so don't worry about how you're *performing*. Everyone's got a first time, everyone knows what it's like, and it's OK. Whatever woman you end up having sex with for the first time, she had better appreciate it and treat you with the respect and care you deserve and need in that situation. You're making yourself vulnerable. Make sure you think she's worth that trust. :slight_smile:

    Talk to her about it. I understand you feel it's embarassing, but you'll be fine.

    Anyway, seconding everything LittleFlowers said as well. :slight_smile:
     
  4. Chip

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    Everyone was inexperienced at some point. And many people realize that there are people out there who haven't figured out who they are until later in life. So I guarantee you are far from the only 41 year old lesbian who has never been with another woman.

    Nobody worth being in a relationship with is going to care that you aren't experienced. There's no shame in that. You can simply say "Hey, you should probably know that this is all completely new to me, so I may need a little help." And that should be all you have to say. The right person will just say "Hey, that's no problem" or something similar... and that's the end of it. :slight_smile:

    I think you'll be surprised how supportive people will be.
     
  5. doorways

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    Thank you Little Flowers, PlaidGlove and Chip for all your encouraging words. So helpful and I will take them with me this weekend. :slight_smile:
     
  6. yeehaw

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    Crying right now after reading this thread. Thanks, doorways for putting it out there, and 5hanks everyone else for the sweet compassionate responses. I'm 40 and have never even gone on a date with a woman. I'm sure to be at least 41 before I get that far. I wonder many if the same things as doorway and it helped to see th is thread.
     
  7. FoxSong

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    Yup, as the above posters said: someone worthwhile getting involved with isn't going to tell you to bugger off because you're inexperienced. If they do, not worth your time.
     
  8. PlaidGlove

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    Dear wonderful women!

    Hypothetical situation: If I were dating a woman and we were approaching the wonderful threshold of intimacy turning physically sexual, and she told me "Hey uhm, you know, I haven't been with a woman before", this is likely what I would do:

    1) Sit down together, not opposite but beside each other, so it feels more like we're on the same side.
    2) Take her hand or put my arm around her, whatever feels natural.
    3) Say something along these lines:

    "First, thank you so much for letting me know. I can tell that you feel a little embarassed by this, and while I don't want to devalue your feelings, I want you to know that I'm not embarassed by it. It makes no difference to my level of attraction to you, my interest in you as a person, etc. Please let me know if you feel like it's too early or you feel unsure about having sex together, because the last thing I want is to make you feel pressured.

    I'm dating you because I'm very attracted to you, not just your body, but your mind and your heart, I really enjoy your company. Everyone needs to get used to each other as well. Just go with what feels natural to you, it's completely OK if it's "clumsy" or whatever. I'm not looking to give you a mark, like 'Helen: 8. Stephanie: 7, 1 bonus point because virgin." It's another area where we need to get to know each other, right? So if and when you're sure about this, please let me know how I can help you feel safe and comfortable."

    Then, if "if" = "yes" and "when" = "now" then, well, proceed to kissing and touching and… Aaaargh! OK, I'm distracted.

    ---------- Post added 9th Dec 2015 at 06:33 AM ----------

    So, how does that sound to those of you who feel a little insecure about being with a woman for the first time? :slight_smile:
     
  9. WanderingMind

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    This confirms everything I've ever wondered about what the differences are between being with a man and being with a woman. Crying. Again.

    That's one of the most lovely potential conversations I can imagine.
     
  10. driedroses

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    It is amazing. I have had those conversations. They are amazing. And we're still going to be awkward when we get there, but we know it and that's fine.

    I'm not sure that it's the difference between being with a man and being with a woman as much as it is the difference between being with the wrong person and being with the right person. Always, always the right person should be willing to consider your insecurities and make you feel that you are so much more than a body or your experience.

    (*hug*) Best wishes; I hope you find what you're looking for.
     
  11. biAnnika

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    If I was with someone and found that I was their first, I would not be *scared*...I would be *patient*. I think anyone worth dating would be similar in that regard.

    There can definitely be a learning curve...certainly to a woman's pleasure (although you have an edge over most guys in that you have an owner's manual), but also just to logistics. I've spoken to women who were put off by their partner's smell, taste (follow-up questions indicated that the person was perfectly clean...it was just unfamiliar), and level of lubrication, as well as women who just flat-out didn't understand what they were "supposed" to do. I recall some of those days. I have a very experimental palate food-wise...it helped me in that realm as well. And I've never cared much for what I was "supposed" to do (or I wouldn't have been doing this kind of experimentation at all)...so I just did some of things I'd been *dying* to do, and it worked out fine. The rest evolved.

    But most universally, *every* new lover (male or female) is a learning curve. You have the owner's manual for *one* woman's sexual/sensual pleasure...not the universal owner's manual for women's bodies generally. It's an advantage, but it's not the end of the story. I said my first experience "worked out fine"...it did...it was awesome...but I still spent the next *many* years refining my technique...and each partner is completely different as well. So with 29 years of experience with my partner, my first time with another woman would still be just as awkward and uncertain...it might actually take some pressure off if she *didn't* have experience!
     
  12. CapColors

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    Also remember you don't have to everything at once. It's not like she has to sit on your face on date two. (Although if that's what you want, go for it!)

    You can start with things you find most intriguing or least awkward/terrifying. Etc.

    I remember feeling like I had to be drunk and in a shower (don't ask lol) before I felt like giving my first blow job. So I told my boyfriend "this is what would make me feel comfortable" and even though he doesn't like drinking OR shower sex, he was like "OK".

    She'll work with what you need, is what I'm saying.
     
  13. Zen fix

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    Best quote ever. You should add this as your signature Capcolors :icon_wink

    I think that finding out you are someone's first, whatever, is exciting all on its own. Congratulations on hitting it off with this woman.
     
  14. Soundofmusic

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    Ive been reading a lot so im not soooo clueless when the time comes... And watching some turorials lol. BUT I dont think theres anything wrong with a bit of honesty? I would expect women to be far more understanding than men about this. Or at least a woman good enough for you?
     
  15. mellie

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    I want to know more about these "tutorials"... :roflmao:

    Honestly, as everyone else has said, if she's worth giving yourself to, then she will understand and embrace the fact that she's your first. It seems like it would be really silly to throw something meaningful away because someone is sexually inexperienced...
     
  16. Soundofmusic

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    Coughporncough

    JK. Just googling "how to __" - use your imagination :rolle:
     
    #16 Soundofmusic, Dec 9, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 9, 2015
  17. YeahpIdk

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    ^^ these guys...:lol:

    Also, check out lesbian sex tips Archives | Autostraddle

    And I totally agree with every sentiment about, if she's worth your sexy gifts, she will not mind. If she does, she's not worth your time. Just remember that it's a time to explore her body. Sex with anyone for the first time is learning how to make them feel good. You're gonna do great!!:thumbsup:
     
  18. doorways

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    yeehaw, I am so glad you found something in this post. Thanks for responding. For me, it’s been a long process and after 20 years of questioning, the past two years I have been on a path closer to who I am. I’ve taken it so slow so far. Careful with my own feelings and others. I hope this forum continues to move you and show you that you are not alone.

    ---------- Post added 9th Dec 2015 at 10:06 PM ----------

    This is Beautiful PlaidSong. Thank you for being so specific. Makes my feel great :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 9th Dec 2015 at 10:07 PM ----------

    LOL!!!! That is the quote of the month. Thanks CapColors!

    ---------- Post added 9th Dec 2015 at 10:10 PM ----------

    Thank you for ALL the lovely and informative responses!!!! So helpful, all insights and responses - beautiful.
     
    #18 doorways, Dec 9, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 9, 2015
  19. ConsciousRose42

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    Try not to worry ...
    Re don't know each other's sexual history -- if def wait until that discussion happens - for me it's important to have a history and that the person is free with their sexual health --
    Re inexperience 'do you need to say it ? If it happens and she cares for you it won't matter -- people meet as they are --
    But yes is you feel it's important to you to say - say it when u are nearer to sexual chemistry and I would say 'and so it would be better for me to say if I'm not comfortable and visa versa --
    It's strange people can have sex so readily but when it comes to talking about it .. That's a different matter
    But in your situation of course it's awkward and uncomfortable --
    Accept where u are and hey your fears may just be unfounded :slight_smile:
    Enjoy what is natural
     
  20. doorways

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    Thank you biAnnika. Kind works and thanks for your story. I am *dying* to try some thing too but very patient. Gives me hope.