I'm close to telling her so why can't I just do it

I am sorry to hear you are suffering. It is incredibly hard to decide to turn your own world upside down; of course you don't want to. But as you said yourself it may be necessary.

If you are suicidal, get help immediately. There are suicide chat lines so you can't be overheard by your wife or co-workers. Here's one: http://www.crisistextline.org/textline/
I've never used it (just found it by google search), but if this one doesn't work out for you there are others.

My advice is get some additional help for the depression and anxiousness. Therapy from an LGBT friendly counselor can make a world of difference and so can anti depressants.

Confide in a close and trusted (but distant, so they won't let it slip to your current circle) friend or relative. Seek out people who will support you, not tear you down.

For goodness sake don't play with fire by allowing hookups to email your wife, if that is indeed what happened. Take control of your own process, you owe yourself and your wife that much.

 

I'm not understanding whether you mean you were going to send this email or the online "friend" was going to. Neither is a good idea but having someone else do it would almost certainly never be forgiven. This is your wife and she deserves to hear it directly from you. Cap's advice to tell a trusted friend first is probably one of the best things you can do. Or a therapist. This will alleviate some of that pressure and you can get some perspective from the other person.

 

It took me almost a year to come out to my wife. Many times I came within an inch of blurting it out, and each time something stopped me. Gradually, though, the pressure grew. I think the biggest obstacle I had was that I was always trying to have everything figured out beforehand — living situation, finances, healthcare, retirement, etc., etc. I even stressed over what I would do with my woodworking tools. It was simply overwhelming.

Finally I saw that the only way I would ever be successful was just to concentrate on the coming out, and the let the rest of the chips fall where they may. I decided that living the rest of my life as an openly gay man was worth more to me than all the golden retirement plans and cadillac health care in the world. My 400-pound vintage table saw could go on Craig's List for all I cared. Once I made that decision (really, a discovery about myself), my course became clear, and it was not long afterward that I came out to my wife and the following day, my children.

Since then, my life has only gotten better. My fears were mostly unfounded — I did not find myself out on the street, left destitute. In fact, I'm still living with my wife in a very amicable relationship, as we plan for our eventual separation. The details are still being worked out and neither of us feels in any particular hurry. Both of us are dating.

I was very lucky in that during the whole of my coming out, I had a man with whom I was intimate as my friend and counselor, someone who had gone through much the same thing five years before. I don't know what I would have done without him. At no time was I suicidal, but I had periods of depression, especially at those points when I had tried so hard and yet still failed to tell my wife.

I hope that you will find someone, either a friend or a professional, to help you navigate your fears and emotions as you go through this process. You don't have to do it alone. And if you are feeling at all suicidal, I urge you to talk to someone immediately, as Cap suggests.

 

Definitely talk to someone if you are suicidal - that's priority number one. I didn't realize that my husband was contemplating suicide before he came out, and that scares me. When you think about suicide, think about all those things you consider before coming out to your wife. Think about your kids, think about your friends. I'll tell you the truth, in the short term, sometimes, for the wife, it might feel like it would be easier if the husband had died. But the kids will never get to that point. The friends will never feel that way. And eventually, if she's a decent person, your wife won't feel that way, either.

It's not an easy thing to do. It took my husband six months. He finally could just not hold it in any longer. I knew something was wrong and he had to tell me. And yeah, it devastated me. I would bet, though, that your wife knows that your relationship is not what it should be. I sure did. In the past year, I've gone through counseling, found a support group, and realized that both he and I are better people in a better place for the separation. Our kids are in a much better place, and now they know they can trust us when we say we accept them for who they are - because we've proven it to them.

I would suggest talking to her in person, not through email or a letter. If you need to, bring a trusted friend. Do it in a public place. Try to reassure her - if it's true - that you do love her, but this is an immovable object. Try to reassure her - if it's true - that you are willing to work through the separation and moving on process peacefully and with respect. And try to reassure her that you intend to be there, at the very least, for your children. I say try, because I know from experience that it will be difficult for her to believe those things, at least initially.

This is also an incredibly hard time of year to broach these things. I can't give an opinion on what is best on either side, I can only tell you that we dealt with his coming out ten days before Christmas and while it was difficult, I appreciate that we actually had an honest holiday as opposed to realizing later that it had been something he faked his way through.

Best of luck; my thoughts are with you in this difficult time.

 

Hey there,

I have been in the same place. I still haven't come out to my wife but...I did realize that suicide is the worst possible outcome. Coming out maybe painful for your family but the pain they would feel from you killing yourself would be exponentially more. Please get help.

Also, I recommend seeing a therapist. I know that is standard advice but it can be really helpful. There are also options for therapy with gay male therapists who specialize in this. That can be expensive but if you have the means, it might help. I also have used the glbt hotline. This isn't for suicide prevention but you can talk with someone who is understanding. There are text and phone options.

There are a lot of men like us and it isn't much fun but do take care of yourself. Your kids only have one father.

 

In the early days after my coming out, I used to say to my wife, "Maybe it would have been better if I had been hit by a bus. You'd have been sad for a while, but then you'd have gotten over it. This way, the old me is dead, but the corpse is still in the living room." In actuality, I never really felt this way, never seriously contemplated suicide. You get only one life to live, and it's up to you to make the most of it. Same goes for your wife. I was lucky in that my wife "got over it" reasonably quickly and at 66, is busy remaking her life. It won't be the life she always envisaged, but it could very easily be even better. I don't think I could have gone on much longer being the model husband — something had to give. Now, a year and a half later, we're both reasonably optimistic about the future.

 

Yeah, I don't consider myself suicidal at all, but even I've had moments over the past few months where things are so bad that I can't help but think "if this cab I'm in just gets into an accident..." It sucks to even begin thinking that way though.

 

Good for you getting a therapist. That's a really good first step.

Remember you are evaluating THEM too. If you don't feel respected, you can find someone else.

 

This is really true. There are good and bad therapists out there and your personalities may not mesh. (I had one tell me my attraction to men was due to stress.) I do think simply talking about it will be helpful. Even if they aren't that good of a therapist, they won't share the information you are telling them so you don't have to worry about that.

I do think finding a gay male therapist would be most helpful. I really hope it went well and the you are doing better. (*hug*)