Good morning to all, I need to ramble, so bare with me and I apologize in advance for being all over the place. So here it is: I have been feeling quite disconnected with myself lately. I basically lost everything on my cell phone including the poetry I have been saving on it. In a way, it feels good to know that those dark poems are no longer there so I can let them go. But there is a part of me that feels lost. Constantly having to sacrifice myself over and over is getting to me. I know I chose to work through my marriage and keep it all together - my three boys don't deserve to be torn apart for the sake of my selfishness. . . at least not until they are older. So, I also lost contact with the only woman I know. She is toxic and I am better off without her. But her occasional invitations kept me from being too lonely. At least I knew someone wants me, but knowing it is only when she is drinking and all. I have learned to turn her down, it was not easy as I do need the tender touch, to feel safe in the arms of a woman. Will this loneliness ever cease?! There are more times where I feel like a part of me is missing, and I am really trying to find the connection with my hubby. Frustrating! I have been crushing hard on this woman, and she made it clear she does not date women. I thought I was in the right path in the process of letting her go, but each time I see her, oh my goodness! That smile, that stride, that hair, that voice, that body. . . I can't believe how much I am attracted to her. Smart thing to do is move on as she doesn't have the same feelings for me. . . but. . . and, that reminds me, there is this friend who has been messaging me occasionally and usually they are short greetings but the timing seems suspicious. . . usually around 2 am, sometimes 3. I sense awkwardness, and I haven't figured out if she is attracted to me or not. She is nice, but not what I want. . . but yeah, we'll see what she is up to. I am lonely, that's what it is.
Get a new cellphone to write more poems! Sometimes difficult moments seem like they will last for a long time, next day we wake up, and realize it is not that bad..
Same reason I'm here. Lonely, and lacking in a LGBT community. Vent as much as you like. It's good to get things out of your head, much like your poetry. I agree with Orchidea. Write more and be all creative-like. :3 Things will work out. Never lose hope. <3
(*hug*) This is exactly the place where you should feel free to vent . Big hugs to you. I know these feelings so well. I think that you will have lots of ups and downs as you work through these feelings and try to find peace with decisions you've made in regards to your marriage. It's not easy no matter what path you take. Maybe it's for the best to put some distance between yourself and your crush. It can give you a chance to clear your head and bring your thinking back around to you and your needs as you deal with all the emotional roller coaster you're already going through. As far as your marriage, are you able to stay married snd still find some space to explore your sexuality? Is their room for growth for you in that area while still married?
Thank you *hugs* I woke up feeling better this morning. I will be able to write poetry again, yay! I am content with myself as I did keep my distance with my crush, it was awkward but I felt better afterwards. As with my hubby, he has accepted me for who I am and know that it will take time to get used to the fact that I do need a woman's arms as well as his. Keeping the comunication line open does help, but there are times where I get so lost. Thankfully they don't last too long. I am in the process of applying to a university to get my masters degree, and I am hoping it will make a world of a difference. . . . . .
It was open for a while, when my hubby opened it. I was reluctant at first and it took a huge toll on me. Once I was certain I am bi and was content with an open marriage, he decided to close it. Guess he felt like he was left out and wanted all the attention. Again, when he closed it, it took another big toll on me. It is still closed, but he is accepting of my sexuality. Although he is not ready for me to be intimately involved with a woman, I am taking it one day at a time. It is awful lonesome, because now I crave for the affection and intimacy with another woman. We talk about it openly occasionally. There are times he is jealous and I refrain from talking about my needs. Other times he is ok when I express my need for a woman. A whole lot of self sacrificing, takes a lot of commitment to practice celibacy, a lot of compromising for my part.
I didn't feel you rambled at all! It's tough to strike a balance between a post looking like a series of bullet points, and throwing out lots of detail, that may not be necessary. I'm posting to add that even dysfunctional relationships (which is what I'd call a woman who wants you when she drinks) have their good times; in other words, you can't just pretend it "shouldn't have happened" and move on never looking back. Crushing is difficult; as a gay guy, it can be tough these days to learn a guy I thought might be gay isn't.
I'm sorry to hear that you are so lonely. I can understand how you feel about desiring intimacy with a woman... I am on the fence of need/want, but I definitely feel the desire, at times strongly. My husband and I are pretty open, but I also have to be sensitive to his feelings, as he's just coming to terms with it. He's pretty open as long as we are in the realm of fantasy, but not at all in real life. When you say celibacy, do you mean that you aren't having sex with your husband, or that you are with your husband, but celibacy with women? (That might be too intrusive - forgive me if it is...)
