Listen to Your Heart, a typical life tale of regret

So I've come to this site because there is no where near the population of openly gay and lesbian people where I live. I feel closed off and isolated now that I know who I am. So here it is. I'm laying everything out that's been bugging me for the last few months and, really, all my life I suppose. I'm an organization nut, so it's all labeled and.. stuff. :/


Growing Up

Here in south Georgia, being gay is essentially a bad thing. At least that's what the general population would have you believe. I grew up in a Christian household and taught that homosexuality was an abomination before God. I'm not getting down on Christians here; they have their beliefs and I respect that. I just know that I can't be a part of a community of those that believe something is wrong with me because I can't help being gay.

So it was years after being married and fathering an awesome one-year-old that I realized I was gay. It just never occurred to me. Being gay was unheard of. It was wrong. There was no way I was gay. But there I was, looking back on so many things I did as a kid and teenager that could have so easily be explained. It took so long to understand and admit it to myself.


My Life Now

My wife and I got a divorce, naturally. We simply agreed that it was best for our family. We still love each other and do everything we can for support and raising our little guy. There are no hard feelings now that we've gotten all our feelings out and have come to terms with my orientation. Not that it wasn't a grueling process. Oh, wow, was it ever the hardest time of my life. I don't believe I went a day without crying for over a month.

I'm living with what I know, now. I'm happy with myself, even though the outlook of my life is rather bleak. I'm a super nerd, in a profession and region of the US that looks down on people like me, and at an age where I really don't see ever finding anyone. I kind of feel like the cards have been played against me at this point. My closest friends and family respect and accept me, which I know is more than most can say. But there's still a horrifying lack of support when it comes to socialization with like-minded individuals.


My Fears

I've always been the sweet, caring type that wears his emotions right on his sleeve. As such, I want nothing more than someone to cuddle up with and to know they love me as much as I adore them. But the facts of the matter are pretty rough. I'm in a pretty meager subset of culture when it comes to meeting people nearby: Gay in south Georgia- obviously few and far between, Nerd- I have a collection of geek related stuff around my house and sleeve tattoos of video game and 80's pop culture references which throws anyone not all about that kind of thing out, Near Middle-Aged- I'm 33. It was hard enough finding someone when I was a teenager and in my early 20's. At this age, I really don't feel like there's much hope. I can't move from this location; I have a large house, a great career in a job I'd like to keep for years to come, and family and friends close.

I'm told by my closest couple of friends and ex-wife that I shouldn't linger on it; that I'll find someone. But those sentiments don't keep me warm when I curl up on the couch and watch Game of Thrones with a shih-tzu. :S

 

Weston, nono! I never meant to imply 33 was middle aged. Just that my circumstances and everything seemed to be working against me. I know mid-thirties is fairly young, but living where I do and never coming across a homosexual that wasn't some sex offender in those years, it seemed bleak. As far as moving, yes I need to be near my son at the very least. And I'm currently living in the house I grew up in that was built by my grandfather, which is a big thing to give up just to have a chance at finding someone.

Thanks, CD. :3 So far it's been fairly friendly here. I've gotten to get some things off my chest, which have helped a lot.

 

Ahahahahahaa! X3 Thank you, Ryu. That does make me feel better. Honestly, just knowing I have a place I can go and vent my fears and frustrations at, and know that kind people are listening, is a big help. :3

 

Thanks, Angel (Angelus?) and COS. I really appreciate your help. :3

They're not.. 'technically' sleeve tattoos yet. I've gotten one about every two weeks for a few months now. Up to 8 so far, but getting there. The right is video games; Vault Boy, a goomba, Fox Hound patch, and Zelda shield with an NES controller over it. Left is all 80's; BattleCat, Ninja Turtles reference, Ghostbusters, and of course Jem. :3 If I get up the nerve I may post pics here some time.

 

Angel, same here, totally. I still have a Castle Greyskull on display. :3 I mean.. it's.. somewhere.. toys.. for kids. *ahem* <_<

Thanks, MayB! I'm more happy that I can be a comfort to others than have others comfort me. :3 And yeah, my ex-wife has said numerous times how much she hates that I came out JUST as I started to lose a lot of weight, bulking up, and getting tattoos. LOL

 

Mine generally came from a complete lack of appetite from stress. XD But yeah, I finally swore I just needed to get in shape and be something I've always wanted. And it's going to be nice getting new uniforms because my others are too big. LOL

 

Yes, totally this!! I always felt so sub-par and horrible about my looks as a straight man. When I finally saw myself as gay, I felt so great about it all. I could look in the mirror and actually smile, even tell myself that I did look good! It was so weird! And that just made me work harder to be fit. Completely agree. :3

 

I hate the gym. Just never been into it. I generally work out at home and run laps around the property when I get up. I don't think I ever just looked at guys. With me it was more the sudden realization that I'd been putting myself in the female role in fantasies. Seriously, I should have known all this long before I did. :/