I am 52 now and I feel like such a failure. When I was in my early twenties, I placed an ad in the largest newspaper in Toronto and met a couple of girls-but was not able to find someone I clicked with. There was also a lot of weird responses to my ad. When the internet kicked in, I tried again but no luck. I live in suburbia. Work in a corporate, closed minded company and my friends and family are all straight. I was really turned off from trying to find someone because my previous attempts disillusioned me. I have spent most of my life falling for straight women-not a good idea. Anyway here I am: alone and very tired. I hate being gay.
(*hug*) You can start today. Everyday offers the opportunity for a new beginning. You can't go back, and sometimes that's depressing, I know. But you can make sure the next 50 years are authentic and fulfilling. (&&&)
You are not a failure. We live in a very hetero-normal world and it's not easy to go against the grain and live as an openly gay person. I should know; I've lierally just come out to my mum at the age of 37. She was super supportive and I now feel lke I can take on the world. It has been a very liberating experience. We owe it to ourselves to live an honest and open life. I know I'm looking forward to the future now I can be open about who I'm dating. I was given good advice on a date two months ago: the first step is acceptance. Accept who you are, then embrace it. I never thought I'd get to where i am but I'm more comfortable in my own skin now than I've ever been.
Suburbia is death. Suburbia and corporate is death without resurrection... I'm tired of being on the closet at my workplace, but I have to carry on at least until I have other options. Outside of suburbia and (if everything goes as I want it) out of damned corporate too.
Hugs. Definitely try and get some gay friends, even if it's only online at first. You can't live forever without your people. One thing that I've noticed over time is people are less conservative and staid than they appear. There could be more of a queer community than you know around you. You also might want to see a therapist for your internalized homophobia. It will be hard to live out carrying that baggage.
Even more hugs, acceptance and self-love are pre-requisites, maybe add in some vitamins and be sure to hydrate. Welcome to EC. Great place here, lots and lots of support from all sorts. Therapy has been a huge tool, helping me accept myself even at 50, go figure - J
I want to second the mentality of the above quote. I also want to challenge you a little bit (in a gentle way of course). Here is my experience. I fought so hard against being gay, because I knew in my mind that being gay wasn't the right 'thing' for me. Having spent so much time in denial, I finally let go. Now that I've let go and come out to a few close friends + family members, I feel absolutely wonderful and alive. I haven't felt like this for some time. Please do not 'give up.' The sheer bliss of a single moment can eradicate decades of pain.