Hello everyone, I am back.. Just wanted to let everyone know how grateful I feel for your support and advises. My last thread has ended at probably one of the worst night/week of my life (not kidding). Telling husb about my attraction to another girl, same night confessing to her and getting clear reply she has no romantic attraction for me, my husband completely crazy about the situation, with offensive comments, divorce threats, me feeling seriously unsafe at the house, and this mess continuing at home for at least a week. Dealing with this because of kids, otherwise would have left in split moment. I felt betrayed by him, supposedly closest person I thought I could confide to, in turn he accused me of being 'lesbian', weak, cheating on him when I never acted upon my feelings. After a week of this pure hell, I literally begged him for peace for at least two days as I was completely worn out and in pure exhaustion, mental and physical. He agreed, and these two days have helped go back to calm and peace as if not much happened. This experience had such a toll on me that I totally felt Significantly better, that I have moved on, no more feelings for her, all done and behind me like a bad dream. I am married straight with history of a fluke that almost ruined my happy life, and from now on all good. I admit, in general I am better as I am doing my best not to focus on feelings for her anymore which preoccupied me before. I am back to my normal self, except.. Within last few days I have been thinking about her. I did not want to upset him, so I let him know that attraction was pure physical. To her I just said 'attraction'. But it is actually romantic thing, with deep feelings.. Here is my current situation: 1. I am seriously avoiding her till I am sure her presence in same space won't affect anything 2. Very concerned she may have found my confession offensive. She likes to dress and act masculine sometimes and I may have acted as if generalizing her sexual/romantic orientation based on this. So wrong of me, but at the same time I followed my feelings.. 3. I am starting to feel less open with husband all these thoughts are definitely private. Moreover all this stuff that happened may not be forgotten, I don't feel I can trust him in being my true life companion. 4. I don't think I am attracted to women in sexual way. Maybe while having feelings for her I justified them by thinking I was physically attracted to other women as well? I am Not attracted to any of my female friends at all. I am still attracted to her (or idea of her). What happened is I have her mixed with my ideal and that image is a lot stronger and more powerful.. 5. I've read up on gender identity vs sexuality vs romantic attraction, plus on asexuality, platonic attraction, etc. my whole entire life I thought that romantic and sexual attraction went together, hand in hand. I am totally baffled by how I have missed fallacy of this for so many years! This is a Great topic to discuss!! 6. Sometimes I think this was not just in my head/heart. There were few moments where I think a girl with no attraction to me would not act the way she did. I am not 100% certain though, and therefore, don't dwell of it. 7. I do feel there is untold connection, like I have known her soul from before (sounds cliche). I recalled a dream about her that I had a few years ago. (Sounds cliche also Anyway, slowly moving away from those terrible days, knowing I may never know what the heck happened to me and why. I don't think I am completely straight romantically, as for sexuality, staying straight. I am really glad to be grown up enough to be on the right track to get over my feelings for her, just takes a bit of time.. Meanwhile, plan to hang around here for more food for thought:icon_wink
So good to hear from you. And so sad that this is such a struggle for you. Please don't let this horrible experience force you to ignore who you are, whoever that might be. That will hurt more in the long run. Talk here whenever you need to And look after yourself.
1. I am seriously avoiding her till I am sure her presence in same space won't affect anything The best decision you've made. This is quite hard to do, but the RIGHT THING to do. Nothing is much better than distance to heal a broken heart or dilute romantic feelings. 2. Very concerned she may have found my confession offensive. She likes to dress and act masculine sometimes and I may have acted as if generalizing her sexual/romantic orientation based on this. So wrong of me, but at the same time I followed my feelings.. Confessing your feelings to someone has many risks. This is just one of them. Again, this confirms how brave you are for telling her. Some people even take YEARS for them to confess their feelings. So, I salute you for this one. 3. I am starting to feel less open with husband all these thoughts are definitely private. Moreover all this stuff that happened may not be forgotten, I don't feel I can trust him in being my true life companion. Obviously, your husband is quite shocked and hurt. Imagine yourself learning that the person whom you loved and married just confessed that he harbors a romantic feelings towards another person. He, too, have felt betrayed and hurt. His retaliation might just be his defensive mechanism in reaction to the feelings he has right now. Don't take it against him. 4. I don't think I am attracted to women in sexual way. Maybe while having feelings for her I justified them by thinking I was physically attracted to other women as well? I am Not attracted to any of my female friends at all. I am still attracted to her (or idea of her). What happened is I have her mixed with my ideal and that image is a lot stronger and more powerful.. The fact that you happened to have romantic feelings toward a woman tells something to your sexuality. Question" When you married your husband, are you attracted to him sexually or just emotionally? Have you been attracted to any other guys besides him? Being a lesbian doesn't mean being attracted to a lot of girls. 5. I've read up on gender identity vs sexuality vs romantic attraction, plus on asexuality, platonic attraction, etc. my whole entire life I thought that romantic and sexual attraction went together, hand in hand. I am totally baffled by how I have missed fallacy of this for so many years! This is a Great topic to discuss!! I am yet to learn the spectrum myself so I have no inputs on this one. 6. Sometimes I think this was not just in my head/heart. There were few moments where I think a girl with no attraction to me would not act the way she did. I am not 100% certain though, and therefore, don't dwell of it. She said no. That's the most tangible answer that you can get right now. Despite her body language, etc etc. She said no, and take that seriously. 7. I do feel there is untold connection, like I have known her soul from before (sounds cliche). I recalled a dream about her that I had a few years ago. (Sounds cliche also When you are in love, you think of a lot of wonderful magical stuff. When I was so madly in love with a person before, I even talked to the moon for bringing me to him! ) I feel so silly and a loony whenever I think about it but again, love is the most wonderful feeling a human can have. It's the only think that can make someone believe in magic despite the chaotic world we live in.... ---------------------------- I am sorry that she doesn't have any feelings for you. But again, telling her so is the best and the most brave thing you did! Also telling your husband is a great way to honor your marriage to him. I can only imagine the intensity of your feelings for the woman. Driving you to confess to her and your husband says a lot about your emotional attraction to her. Anyway, I wish you good luck and keep an eye on your husband. He might retaliate in kind and might sleep around with women as an act of revenge. (Seen a lot of that things happening)
Yes, waiting it out to see what the final outcome is, that is, who will I be once completely over her. As I am getting over her, and look back, starting to think that maybe I have not opened up completely to myself, as there was no experience to support anything. For now, will just give it more time - maybe I am hetero or bi biromantic.. Need to reflect more.. Thank you(*hug*) ---------- Post added 17th Dec 2015 at 06:47 PM ---------- (*hug*)(*hug*) to you as well, getting a lot better! ---------- Post added 17th Dec 2015 at 07:11 PM ---------- Yes indeed the feelings were very intense, as all of us know only something really strong can put all important things at such high risk. Whether this was a 'trigger crush', a fluke, or something else crazy, I feel lucky to be able to walk away and not feel depressed or worse. I feel sad but learned and liberated in new ways, like I said only time will tell:icon_wink ---------- Post added 17th Dec 2015 at 07:12 PM ---------- Yeah, this was probably the toughest decision for me, like jumping off the cliff, no way back. When I wish I didn't tell her, I imagine what would have happened otherwise, then realize I could have been stuck with strong feelings that fed on wrong interpretation for a long time..Not very appealing considering we as humans strive for happiness! Good point, hope he does not retaliate as I will then be out of marriage ASAP.. Did not act on my feelings, but if I did, would not stay married. That is what I am now taking time to figure out. Were these only romantic feelings? How did sexuality come in this picture. How much of this is connected and what does this mean for me in the long run.. Yes I have always been attracted to men. Yes indeed the feelings were very intense, as all of us know only something really strong can put all important things at such high risk. Whether this was a 'trigger crush', a fluke, or something else crazy, I feel lucky to be able to walk away and not feel depressed or worse. I feel sad but learned and liberated in new ways, like I said only time will tell:icon_wink
Oh hon I'm so sorry. It is not good you felt unsafe with him. You seem like a wonderful person and you are obviously putting everyone else first and doing the best you can under the circumstances. Do you feel love coming back for your husband? Or what would you choose for yourself now, knowing what you now know? You are such a good mom it couldn't have been easy to pull through these last few weeks. Do you see yourself staying with the husband long term? Thanks for letting us know what's going on.
I am so sorry for how this all unfolded for you. A double shot of rejection is devastating. Trust me. I know. My experiemce? What started as a choice between two, ended up as nothing. Actualy, less than nothing. I think you need to prioritize your seven points. Four are about her. Two about your identity. One about him. Which is fine. But from a practicality standpoint, the one about never being able to trust him as your life partner stands out. I'm not sure how you can resolve the others while that one is hanging out there. I am in a similar situation. Connected financially but not emotionally. Yet, without the freedom to be me. Bottom line. This will never be forgotten. How he accepts or rejects it is up to him. But it will always be there. At least for me it was. Sounds like you have alot of self doubt. Rejection is the worst. But maybe you should consider rejecting their rejections. Not having you is their loss too. Sorry to ramble. Hate to be harsh. I only wish you happiness.
Thank you for your kind words of encouragement, really means a lot. I do still love him, however, I feel sometimes that I am kind of an 'outsider' - looking at our relationship from different angle. To be honest, I don't recall the last time I could not see anything past next month. It's like I can't tell anything long term regarding him or anything else - I feel completely blank! Don't know if it's because I have not concluded anything definite for myself personally, or because I realized how truly raw and unpredictable our life's experience can be! Just amazing. So no, can not see anything past my nose, haha, just decided to go with the flow. On the brighter side, the less I feel for her, knowing the truth now, the more liberated I feel. As 'embarrassed' as I am confessing to her, huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. She is possibly a trigger crush, so don't know how long the feelings will be there, even if diminished already (yay) ---------- Post added 18th Dec 2015 at 08:20 PM ---------- Oh, you are not harsh at all! Rejecting rejections - good one. So glad I found this site soon enough.. I really hope you feel more freedom eventually. Our stories are similar in some ways - only time will help put things in their own places. I trust this concept - time is what is needed for many of us.(*hug*) ---------- Post added 18th Dec 2015 at 08:21 PM ---------- Oh CapColors, glad to hear from you! A big (*hug*) for you and a dancing (!)
